The Opened Black Door

[chandler132010]

For the majority of my formative years, my family dwelled in a red brick Victorian house, in a small, rural town of Yorik, OH. Few have heard or read of this place. However, the ones who have know of the abilities within its borders. Daunting, malevolent abilities. Ways that thrust into the gates of ones nightmares. And I mean gates....

My mother and father, Mark and Jane Rylee, were both clinical psychologists and were offered employment at Yoriks Mental Institution in March of 2001. At that time, I was 6 years old and I heard the phone ring in the kitchen of our apartment in Indiana. As my birthday was just a few days prior, I answered the phone, without permission. After all... I wasnt five any more.

"Good morning sweetie! And who might I be speaking with?" The woman's soft, melodic tone questioned.

" You're talking to Mr. Finn Rylee miss." I replied with a spark of newfound confidence. " And who's this?"

. That was when my mother snatched the phone from my ear and spoke with the lady for a long while. By the end of that conversation, my mother told my father about their job offer and our fate was set to move to Yorik, OH. Excitement filled the air, to make way for a new adventure. Or so it seemed.







* This is just a few opening paragraphs of a new piece I'm working on. Please tell me if this caught ur attention. Would u read more? Where do u think I am going with this?

 

[Genly]

First, welcome!

Regarding the paragraphs: writers who have more experience than me will tell you that they work really hard on the opening paragraphs of their work. They need to get the reader to commit. So maybe "For the majority of my formative years" is a bit too formal to grab the reader.

Just a suggestion, but using a play on words, how about this:

Alas, poor Yorik, Ohio. Few have heard of this place, but some know its secrets. Its dark, malevolent ways.

Also, the paragraphs need some editing. Just one or two examples:

Few have heard or read of this place. However, the ones who have know of the abilities within its borders. Daunting, malevolent abilities. I'm afraid that this is awkward. Maybe better (as above) is "Few have heard of this place, but some know its secrets. Its dark, malevolent ways."

"Good morning sweetie! And who might I be speaking with?" The woman's soft, melodic tone questioned." Since there is already a question mark in the dialogue, you don't need "questioned". Also, it is not immediately clear who is speaking, so better is:

The woman's voice was soft and melodic. "Good morning sweetie..."

There are other edits that I would make. But keep going.

 

[pmmg]

Well, putting aside that nothing makes me want to read more...

I think the opening works to peak interest. Strong fist person voice, and has a mystery to it.

Where is it going? I mean...with so little, who could know. I am thinking somethings stranger things like.

 

[Finchbearer]

The prose needs structural work. The general premise is from a retrospective viewpoint, which can add layers of memory and recall, perhaps unreliable memories. There’s a slight regressive feel to ‘mental institution’ aspect. In 2001 it might have been called something like ‘mental health unit’, or ‘psychiatric hospital’. ‘Abilities’ is too vague. It feels like it wants to lean into the gothic horror side of things.

As an aside, and I see this a lot in unpublished drafts, ‘OH’ means nothing to me as a British person. I’m going to assume it’s the abbreviation for the American state of Ohio, but if you wanted more people to be able to read it, it’s something to consider. I’ve read lots of American fiction, Steinbeck, Brautigan, Salinger etc and states are usually spelled out in full.

 

[Genly]

Also, just to add to what pmmg said: we need to see more text to get a better idea of what this is about, and what feedback to provide. You could post a longer extract in Critique Requests, for instance. But it would be a good idea to spend a lot of time polishing it before doing so. Looking forward to seeing it.

 

[minta]

Yes, it hooked me right away. xDD