Show versus Tell Example

[BWFoster78]

Not sure if this is the correct forum or not?

I recently wrote the passage below in a rough draft of a short story. There seem to be a lot of writers who visit this forum that maybe don’t have quite my level of experience*. I thought explaining my thought process might be of some use.

This example involves the difference between showing and telling, quite a hot button issue at times on this forum. I hope this demonstrates a little about how and why you should show instead of tell.

It’s early in the story, and I’ve got a scene where the protagonist meets the love interest. As a set up, I wanted to portray the POV character as more reserved when it comes to picking up women than his irresponsible friend.

My first instinct was to write: Auggie didn’t pick up women the way Benj did.

That sentence has its attractions. Mainly, it’s quick and painless to write. There, now the reader knows the information, and I can move on to the good part where he meets the girl.

A couple of problems, however: 1) it’s very much telling and not showing and 2) it’s me being lazy instead of trying to produce something I can be proud of.**

Upon further reflection, the passage became:

Auggie held open the rickety door to the run down tavern. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”

Benj grinned. “Quit your bellyaching. It’s chilly tonight.”

“Benj, no. You need some sleep. We’re riding at first light.”

He stepped past the major into the dim room, his eyes scanning the occupants. “C’mon now, the memory of a nice bed warmer is just what I need to keep me happy on the road.”

With a sigh, Auggie followed. “That’s not how a gentleman behaves, you know.”

“Gentleman?” Benj stopped walking and raised his hand to stroke his chin in an exaggerated gesture of thoughtfulness. “I’m more of a rogue.” His eyes sparkled. “A handsome rogue.”

“You’re incorrigible, that’s what you are.”

This isn’t perfect, and I’ll revise it many times before it goes into the finished product. However, it’s much better. Why you ask? I’m glad you brought it up.

1. The reader experiences the action as it happens, which draws them into the story. The telling sentence I started with doesn’t do anything for them.

2. It allows me to develop character. The telling statement gave the what, but not the why. Take a deeper look:

The passage clearly shows Auggie reluctant to pick up a girl at the tavern, just as the telling statement. He is shown at first putting up a token argument and then getting to the heart of the matter: he doesn’t think a gentleman should pick up and discard girls, showing the reader why he acts that way. I also develop seeds of the relationship between the two men. Even though he’s the superior officer, Auggie doesn’t try to order Benj around. Instead, he sighs and follows. The idea isn’t to tell everything about the characters and their relationships at once; it’s to lay one more stone of the foundation.

The passage also lets me delve a bit into Benj’s character. Instead of being a cardboard cutout womanizer, it gives a little insight into who he is. When Auggie scolded him, he could have argued or became defensive. Instead, he’s shown as being good natured because he responds by joking.

Now, we’ve got the why down, but not the how.

To accomplish showing, I:

1. Put my character in a situation where he can demonstrate the characteristic — I needed to show the contrast between the POV character and his friend regarding women, so I put them in an environment where his friend is hunting for a girl and he’s not.

2. I revealed character through action — Instead of saying: Benj looked for girls to pick up, I show him searching the room. Instead of saying: Auggie didn’t want to find a girl, I show him arguing with his friend. Instead of saying: Benj is good natured, I show him joking in response to a scolding rather than arguing or shouting or acting sullen.

I hope this helps someone out there. Let me know if it does, and maybe I can do more of these.

*Not that I’m trying to portray myself as an expert on writing, just someone who may be a little farther along on the learning curve than some.

**Note that this is the rough draft. I use the first draft, most of the time, as word vomit. My motto is: get it done and move on. “She was hungry” is fine; I’ll fix it to describe her hunger in the 2nd draft. I’ll write stuff like: He rode into ///come up with a town name and describe it a little///. For this story, I’m trying to produce a little better draft at the start, and, really, this telling portion was me being lazy more than anything else.

 

[JonSnow]

Well, when I started writing in my late teens... I had this exact problem too. As the narrator, I would literally tell everything about the characters. It had to be awful to read. It robbed the story of any tension, any mystery, and any complexity to the characters. But I had a brother who was a more experienced reader and writer. The best advice he EVER gave me was, as the author, try to reveal as little as possible, as though you are learning along with the reader. Let the characters do the work themselves, to show the reader what they are about through dialog and experience.

It takes practice. But once your mind grasps the concept, it gets easier. Once you get skilled at it, you can take some liberties with it if you are tactful, and you will learn when its appropriate to tell. Obviously you can't "show" everything. But the rule of thumb should always be "Show don't tell". It is one of the most fundamental skills of decent writing. Its the equivalent of needing an arm before you can throw a baseball. Thats how important it is

 

[Steerpike]

I like the example given.

It is important to remember, however, that most books are a combination of showing and telling. They key is to know when to do which, and it may vary according to the purposes of the author, or the style, and so on. There are times when telling is not only fine, but may well be desirable.

In the example above, you might go either way, depending on the style of writing, the importance of this piece of characterization to the larger story, or even the form (e.g. novel v. short story).

Too many times in writing forums you'll see a critiquer simply point to any instance of telling and say "Oh, you should be showing." That's not necessarily true, and determining whether it is true takes a little more analysis.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I believe that the decision to show or tell usually boils down to story importance.

For example, if I'm writing a scene where the character is looking out a house window and at a shack in the back yard, I have a decision on how I describe that shack. I could simply say, "The run-down shack" which is telly OR I could go into more detail & let the reader deduce that the shack is run-down by SHOWING..... "A small shack sat, nestled among the overgrown brush in the back yard. Spotted in white with what little paint remained on its warped wooden.... Blah blah blah".

Now, I may choose to TELL about the shack if it isn't an important part of the story and only there for setting ambiance. However, if that shack will in some way become important later in the story (maybe there's a body buried under the floor boards) then it probably warrants more SHOW.

One additional edit: You may ask yourself, "If the object is unimportant to the story, should I be including it at all?" and that's a great question. With setting and similar descriptors, authors do that all the time to give a more fleshed out feel to their world.

 

[BWFoster78]

I like the example given.

It is important to remember, however, that most books are a combination of showing and telling. They key is to know when to do which, and it may vary according to the purposes of the author, or the style, and so on. There are times when telling is not only fine, but may well be desirable.

In the example above, you might go either way, depending on the style of writing, the importance of this piece of characterization to the larger story, or even the form (e.g. novel v. short story).

Too many times in writing forums you'll see a critiquer simply point to any instance of telling and say "Oh, you should be showing." That's not necessarily true, and determining whether it is true takes a little more analysis.

Excellent point.

Another place where telling is appropriate is the transition in time and space from one scene to the next.

 

[BWFoster78]

I believe that the decision to show or tell usually boils down to story importance.

For example, if I'm writing a scene where the character is looking out a house window and at a shack in the back yard, I have a decision on how I describe that shack. I could simply say, "The run-down shack" which is telly OR I could go into more detail & let the reader deduce that the shack is run-down by SHOWING..... "A small shack sat, nestled among the overgrown brush in the back yard. Spotted in white with what little paint remained on its warped wooden.... Blah blah blah".

Now, I may choose to TELL about the shack if it isn't an important part of the story and only there for setting ambiance. However, if that shack will in some way become important later in the story (maybe there's a body buried under the floor boards) then it probably warrants more SHOW.

One additional edit: You may ask yourself, "If the object is unimportant to the story, should I be including it at all?" and that's a great question. With setting and similar descriptors, authors do that all the time to give a more fleshed out feel to their world.

Great illustration. A huge part of writing is making those kind of decisions: what does the reader need to see and whose eyes does the reader need to see it through.

 

[beckyefp]

I liked how thorough you were at explaining the show/tell dilemma. Also, the example proved to be a great illustration. I think showing is essential no matter what point of view a writer chooses. There are some cases I can think of, however, where telling can come in handy. If I’m writing in the third person limited, I like to let my character tell things the way they see them. Sometimes it adds to the character’s quirkiness or can add intangible distance/irony because there’s a discrepancy between the character’s perception and reality. This only works if you couple the telling with showing.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I think this is a really good example to give to a new writer. Some people just "tell" way too much of their stories, and others conversely try to "show" everything, leaving a muddled heap of descriptions about everything the character passes...

As everyone else seems to be saying, balance is key in deciding these sorts of things, and even nestled within "telling" scenes, such as travel between towns or whatever, it is nice to sometimes put in some "showing" details. Sometimes, even though nothing action-packed is happening, I do a quick little scene to expand on the characters. One I did, for example, was on a trip between towns. I'd like to know what you think:


“If a Bealhound could swim it, I reckon I could,” Sagan said. He puffed up his chest as he boasted loud enough so everyone could hear him.
“Not a chance!” Geordie made a face like he’d bitten into a lemon. “Besides, I’ve never heard of a Bealhound swimming Mist Lake.”
“I heard it from a friend whose sister knew someone who was there when the dog did it,” said Sagan, sounding proud of his distant connection to the heroic dog.
“Well, even if a hundred-pound, web-footed, buoyant dog could make it all the way across, you have neither the four-inch coat of fur nor the stamina of such an animal. You couldn’t make it.”

Zedrina smirked at Natalia and rolled her eyes. It was not the first ridiculous debate that had arisen between the two southern boys, who obviously took immense pride in all things southern, and it was wearing on the rest of the party. Zedrina glanced at Alania, who huddled beneath a drenched cloak, trying to stay warm. She looked pale and distraught since leaving Silk, and the scowl upon her face didn’t bode well for the young men in heated competition.
While Cedrick sipped tea with Thanus, oblivious to the degrading moods of both his sisters, Zedrina tapped her fingers on her thighs. Not particularly bothered by the light-hearted challenges, she considered how she might be able to diffuse the situation with everyone’s feelings intact. Alania was about to react, and Zedrina was sure it was going to be ugly when she did.

As if reading Zedrina’s mind, or perhaps actually having done exactly that, Natalia stood up and stepped in front of Geordie and Sagan. Tapping her foot, with her arms crossed, she said, “You two have been at this for two days solid.”

She waved her arms wildly around at the huddled campers. “We don’t care how far you can swim, or how much you know about giants, or what your favorite gaming dens are, or how to correctly identify hallucinogenic moths.

“I can’t take any more of you two spewing this useless garbage. Do us all a favor and take down your trousers, so that you might settle this competition once and for all!”

Zedrina held her laugh, but she couldn’t help smiling at the petite priestess giving the two men a piece of her mind.

“Natalia!” Cedrick scolded her. He stood and took her arm, turning her sharply to face him. “What has gotten into you?”

“I can’t listen to this anymore,” Natalia said. “It’s driving me mad. I just want them to settle this thing and if they need to see who the bigger man is, then I say they just get on with it and settle it now.”

 

[Caged Maiden]

Sorry I should have asked before posting on your thread. Just wanted to see what you thought of my scene where nothing is happening... hope you don't mind, I'd love your opinion on whether you think my down times are at least interesting enough to keep in the story.

 

[BWFoster78]

I have no problems at all with you posting this here.

To answer your question: definitely keep it. It makes the work much more interesting.

Zedrina smirked at Natalia and rolled her eyes. It was not the first ridiculous debate that had arisen between the two southern boys, who obviously took immense pride in all things southern, and it was wearing on the rest of the party. Zedrina glanced at Alania, who huddled beneath a drenched cloak, trying to stay warm. She looked pale and distraught since leaving Silk, and the scowl upon her face didn’t bode well for the young men in heated competition.

I would, however, delete this: and it was wearing on the rest of the party

The rest of the paragraph is fine, but this simply isn't needed. You're showing it become annoying.

While Cedrick sipped tea with Thanus, oblivious to the degrading moods of both his sisters, Zedrina tapped her fingers on her thighs. Not particularly bothered by the light-hearted challenges, she considered how she might be able to diffuse the situation with everyone’s feelings intact. Alania was about to react, and Zedrina was sure it was going to be ugly when she did.

I'm not sure this paragraph is needed at all.