A tip on adding tension and a question about adding emotion

[BWFoster78]

I’m an engineer, and I like equations. I’d love to be able to reduce writing to: do x, add y, and get z. I understand, however, that this craft is not mathematics. 1 + 1 does not always equal 2. You have to understand exactly when the equation works and when it doesn’t, but, in general, tips and rules help me improve my work.

Given the above as a thesis statement, I’d rather not have a bunch of posts saying: rules are bad, you need to know when to use rules, etc. We’ve already covered that in about a thousand threads. Work with me here!

I’m trying to develop my personal writing guide and came across a good tip for improving tension:

Let’s assume that it’s a good idea to have the following two elements in a scene –

1. A protagonist with a goal. This objective could be as simple as crossing the street, as complex as getting a girl to kiss him, as dire as wanting not to fall off the cliff, or as mundane as wanting to get off work early.
2. An obstacle preventing the goal. This impediment could be in the form of a person standing in the way of getting across the street, the girl who has no interest, gravity fighting your strained limbs, or a boss who needs a last minute project finished.

Adding tension becomes simple:

1. Pump up either the protagonist’s desire to attain the objective or its importance. He could need to get across the street to save someone’s life, the girl could be his future wife as he’s seen in a vision, the cliff is thousands of feet high and a fall certain death, or he has to get home because his child is deathly ill.
2. Make the obstacle stronger. The person in the blocking the street is an irate sumo wrestler, the girl is a beautiful actress desired by every male on the planet, your hero has a broken arm, or the boss is Donald Trump.

These are exactly the kind of pointers I want. My next step is trying to figure out how to add emotion. I’ve read a whole book on the subject, but I didn’t get a lot out of it. Anyone read any good tips?

 

[Christopher Wright]

You can also make the obstacle more complicated, which gives the protagonist a number of sub-desires.

What I mean is: the protagonist may want to get a girl to kiss him -- that's a very simple and straightforward goal. But! In order to do that, he has to get out of work early... well, his primary goal is to get the girl to kiss him, but now he ALSO wants to get out of work early, because he needs to do that in order to get the girl to kiss him. But! In order to get the girl to kiss him, EVEN IF he manages to get out of work early there's still a chance he'll fall off a cliff... because, I don't know, the girl is standing on a cliff or something. So NOW he not only wants to get out of work early, but he also wants to not fall off a cliff (for multiple reasons), so that he can achieve his ultimate goal of getting the girl to kiss him.

The tension I describe in the scenario above is probably comedic tension rather than dramatic tension, because the combination of events is unusual, but this can just as easily be done purely for dramatic effect. A complicated series of event sis usually just a whole lot of very simple events, connected to each other, overlapping each other, and vying for your attention simultaneously. And having to manage all those minor goals in order to achieve the goal you really want can be very dramatic.

Or, you know, hilarious. And sometimes both.

As for adding emotion, one of the great ways this can bring out emotion is that achieving all these goals can be exhausting, taxing, draining, and can give the writer an opportunity to let the character's mask slip--if he or she is usually calm and self-possessed, the self control can slip, and you can see flashes of anger, or fear, or despair, etc. Exhaustion is a great device to use to allow you to show parts of a character that other characters (and the reader) wouldn't normally see.

Also, for the record: I WAS GOOD THIS TIME.

 

[Ankari]

I'm learning this as I write, so I'm not sure how correct my suggestions are.

While I write, I'll take snippets from each scene that best describes the character and paste it into the "Character Sheet" (Scrivener is awesome). This helps me create a reference for me to go steer the development of my character. More importantly, it allows me to create a personality for that character. Personality, and by extension emotional dynamic, is a very important tool when trying to write emotion into a scene. What may cause one character to break into tears, my give another character a heightened awareness of their surroundings, a need to destroy (flight vs fight).

When you have a character sheet, and you stumble upon a segment of a scene that you want to display emotion, you can run that segment through the pre-established filter.

Another trick I've learned is to model emotions off people you know. This may be a surprise to you (BWFoster78), but my MC is modeled after my brother. I write a scene then reread it with the intention of using my brother's emotions as a filter.

The most important thing I can advise is to keep the emotions dynamic. Some people will deal with certain things in completely different manners. For instance, when I write an upcoming rape/forced sex* scene, I have to consider how she will react. Will she crumble or create impregnable walls around her heart to keep her emotions at bay? Will she be angry at those who have failed in protecting her, no matter how impossible that may be, or will she understand? Will she hate men or hate the man?

 

[BWFoster78]

Also, for the record: I WAS GOOD THIS TIME.

Yes, you were. Thank you very much.

Good tips.

 

[BWFoster78]

Thanks for the responses so far.

Are there any specific techniques for adding emotion, though?

To me, the tips on tension make a lot of sense. I know how to make the character want something more by increasing its importance. I know how to make the obstacle bigger by making the opposition more difficult.

I struggle with the "how" on adding emotion sometimes and would like some good, general rules/tips on technique. The balance is so critical with emotion - too much and you've got melodrama, too little and your writings flat.

 

[Christopher Wright]

Ah, ok. Well here's an interesting thing I've seen that can work in some situations. I'm going to call it the "show-tell" because that's pretty much what you do.

So... say for example that you want to show grief. Let's just set up a situation where a man had to bury his wife, and is standing alone at her grave after the service has ended.

What the "show-tell" does is a) vividly describe his surroundings in a way that would reflect the mood of the emotion, and b) "tell" the reader a thought that is directly linked to an emotion.

I'm going off the cuff here, so keep in mind that my example won't be terribly effective, but:

He stood at the site of the grave, looking down at the earth, freshly dug, covering the space where her casket lay, a cold, barren blanket over a cold, barren husk. A cold wind blew over the yard; he could hear barren, spindly branches tap against each other. There were no leaves to rustle, no animals scampering up and down the trunks, just the scratching of bare bark against bark. The pale sun dimmed as slow, heavy clouds rolled across the sky. Not rainclouds. Just a curtain of gray, dimming the earth and giving nothing back.

She was gone.

So like I said, it's off the cuff, but you see the device: you build up the mood through the environment, you provide a simple statement that reflects a thought that comes as a result of his emotional state, and the reader fills in the blanks and provides the emotional state for you. This can work really well (though obviously it won't work all the time, in every situation) and it doesn't require that you actually describe the emotion--it only requires that you set the mood and provide a trigger. The reader will provide the emotion him or herself.

 

[BWFoster78]

Ah, ok. Well here's an interesting thing I've seen that can work in some situations. I'm going to call it the "show-tell" because that's pretty much what you do.

So... say for example that you want to show grief. Let's just set up a situation where a man had to bury his wife, and is standing alone at her grave after the service has ended.

What the "show-tell" does is a) vividly describe his surroundings in a way that would reflect the mood of the emotion, and b) "tell" the reader a thought that is directly linked to an emotion.

I'm going off the cuff here, so keep in mind that my example won't be terribly effective, but:



So like I said, it's off the cuff, but you see the device: you build up the mood through the environment, you provide a simple statement that reflects a thought that comes as a result of his emotional state, and the reader fills in the blanks and provides the emotional state for you. This can work really well (though obviously it won't work all the time, in every situation) and it doesn't require that you actually describe the emotion--it only requires that you set the mood and provide a trigger. The reader will provide the emotion him or herself.

Yes! That's exactly the kind of stuff I'm looking for. Thanks!

I guess, if I were to make that advice more generic, I'd present it as:

Use the filter of the POV character to describe the surroundings in a way that evokes an emotional state.

 

[Lorna]

I tend to think less technically. The development of the emotion comes with the development of character. When you get to know your characters (which has taken me a while) you learn how they'll react in different situations and what triggers can be brought in to make scenes more emotional. Knowing the characters' back story and giving glimpses of memories works for me. Scenery and weather can also help.

For example (this is from a scene between my MC and his love interest in my WIP outside her shop)

'The shutters fell with a crash, crusted over with rime. Jarad was stunned. He’d never seen Rhegan use water magic let alone ice. He recalled their breath rising through the frosty air following their last kiss, the wind biting his face and chill filling the void she left. Something must have happened to her out on the tundra. He wanted to bang wildly, melt the cold barrier, but knew he would appear a mad man.'

 

[Feo Takahari]

I can't claim to know much about conveying emotion through the story's presentation, and I can't offer any advice on doing so. However, having experimented with (and subsequently settled on!) a very bland and emotionless narrative voice, I can safely say that readers will still read emotion into it. All you have to do is create a character, put him or her in a situation, and show how he or she reacts to that situation. According to their own inclinations, readers will empathize with him or her, hate him or her, want to see him or her succeed, want to see him or her fail, etc. (The presentation will influence readings, of course, but it's not something I personally mess with--after all, I've read way, way too many stories where the way the author clearly intended me to feel about the character clashed irritatingly with the way I actually felt, e.g. "Why am I being prodded to feel pity for a character who just slaughtered an entire village full of innocent people?")

 

[gavintonks]

emotions are facts, so create a fact sheet of the emotions that you wish the characters to have
once you have done that you choose words which reflect the emotions

Feeling Words
Words Describing Feelings

Here you will find part of the world's longest list of feeling words. (Also called emotion words or words that describe feelings.)

The full list is now over 4,000 words. We also have over 600 words describing just the negative feelings. And we have a short list of Common Negative Feelings.

The words in letters A-S are shown here. We will send the complete file via email for a donation of any size. (Ordering Details). We will also send a free copy of the list to anyone who donates new words. Please write if you want to contribute a new word.

See also this article about "Talking away your pain." These words are best used when applied to the concept of emotional literacy.

 

[gavintonks]

then the sentence is qualified by the emotion
the man was drunk
the drunken man put fear in our hearts as he stumbled around blindly
after vomiting and spittle dripping off his beard he looked at me, his drunken eyes focused,. I squirmed under his gaze, he made me feel wretched. "I see your fate and it is death," he whispered the word death, I felt it would be painful. I recoiled at his feted breath. My heart felt cold but a rational part of me shrugged off the emotional ice, I laughed,at his fate for me, " we all die sometimes I said," with not as much confidence as I had hoped for,

 

[Penpilot]

A little addition to the original post. I just wanted to point out this is the exact frame work for a plotting style called scenes and sequels. There's a really good book written on it. http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Fict...1342651410&sr=8-1&keywords=scenes+and+sequels What BW described is what's defined as a scene.

jimbutcher: SCENES

And in case anyone is interested the follow up to a scene is a sequel.

jimbutcher: SEQUELS

The two go hand-and-hand to create a plot.

 

[BWFoster78]

emotions are facts, so create a fact sheet of the emotions that you wish the characters to have
once you have done that you choose words which reflect the emotions

Feeling Words
Words Describing Feelings

Here you will find part of the world's longest list of feeling words. (Also called emotion words or words that describe feelings.)

The full list is now over 4,000 words. We also have over 600 words describing just the negative feelings. And we have a short list of Common Negative Feelings.

The words in letters A-S are shown here. We will send the complete file via email for a donation of any size. (Ordering Details). We will also send a free copy of the list to anyone who donates new words. Please write if you want to contribute a new word.

See also this article about "Talking away your pain." These words are best used when applied to the concept of emotional literacy.

Reading your post, it seems like there was supposed to be links included. They didn't quite make it through, though. Can you try again?

 

[BWFoster78]

Here's what I'm talking about struggling with as far as finding a balance between not enough emotion and too much:

“I’d feel better if I knew how far back Justav is.” Xan ran his hand through his hair. “It eats at me, Brant. This is our seventh day on the run, and still he dogs our heels. I fell asleep last night wondering if I’d wake to a kick in the ribs.”

Brant stared at the horizon, his face blank for a moment. “I haven’t been in a real battle yet. A couple of fights with rustlers but nothing like a war. I’ve listened to enough stories from the veterans, though.” He whistled a few bars of a tune Xan didn’t recognize. “A first combat is a tricky thing for a man. Some get so consumed with the fear of dying that they forget their training. Do something stupid. It gets them dead.” He turned back to Xan. “Make the best decisions you can and accept the consequences. Right now, resting is the right call.”

Is this okay or is it too melodramatic?

 

[Penpilot]

Hey BW, in my humble opinion, the dialogue is coming off like 'as-you-know-Bob-' type dialogue for emotion. It's not coming off as flowing like natural dialogue. Brant's bit feels non-sequitur. So to me that's why it's a bit melodramatic. Also just from this tiny bit, none of the emotion is coming out in narrative. It's all in dialogue so it's like someone telling me their scared and that's it. There's nothing wrong with someone saying they're scared but it has to be supported by the narrative and the situation for it to be effective in conveying the feeling to the reader so they feel it too.

My two cents on the tiny clip of text.

 

[BWFoster78]

Penpilot,

I totally get the non-sequitur comment. Here's my thought process. Maybe someone can help me figure out how to fix it:

Brant's a soldier. He hears his friend say: I'm scared and don't know what to do. He thinks to himself - I'm a brave guy, how do I relate. Then he remembers the stories that the vets told.

I've read it a dozen times since I typed it. About half the time, I think it's total crap. The other half, I think it's really cool. ARGH!

Thanks for the comment.

 

[Ankari]

I have a suggestion for this bit of dialogue. Brant is in the militia. He hasn't seen a real war, but his father, who is the leader of the militia, has. Why not make the dialogue more fitting to Xan's concerns through the filter of a warrior:

“I’d feel better if I knew how far back Justav is.” Xan ran his hand through his hair. “It eats at me, Brant. This is our seventh day on the run, and still he dogs our heels. I fell asleep last night wondering if I’d wake to a kick in the ribs.”

Brant stared at the horizon, his face blank for a moment. “I haven’t been in a real battle yet. A couple of fights with rustlers but nothing like a war. I used to ask my father about the battles he's fought. I wanted to know what would be the worst thing I could face." Brant took a deep breath as he lowered his head in contemplation. After a slight nod to himself, he turned to face Xan. "He said it was the waiting. The specter of not knowing that gnawed at the hearts of the bravest soldier, replacing their conviction with doubt." Brant clapped Xan on the shoulder, then gave a comforting squeeze. "He said that a soldier couldn't allow doubt to plague his soul. He needed to make a decision and stick with it, no matter the consequence. Right now, resting is the right call.”

I used as much of your original text as possible. The point here is that Brant needs to provide advice that best fits Xan's problem. In your original format, you're having Brant tell Xan to be calm, don't get excited about the inevitable first dance of death, stick to what you know and accept the consequences.

In my example Brant is telling him to not doubt himself and ignore the phantoms that creep into an idle mind. Stick to something and accept the consequences.

 

[Penpilot]

Brant's a soldier. He hears his friend say: I'm scared and don't know what to do. He thinks to himself - I'm a brave guy, how do I relate. Then he remembers the stories that the vets told.

What you just said here is the essence of what I believe you should convey to set things up for Brant's telling of the story. I think Ankari is right. The original feels impersonal. As presented, it feels like more of a lecture than a piece of advice for a friend.

I've read it a dozen times since I typed it. About half the time, I think it's total crap. The other half, I think it's really cool. ARGH!

The foundation for something really good is here. I think it's about finding the right approach, the right attack angle to present it to the reader. For yourself, you're in and out of that head space where you know Brant's intent with what he says, and that intent is really cool, but the reader isn't in that same head space right now. The trick is to get them there.

 

[JCFarnham]

Another technique you may want to use in that little snipit is what I call "leaving things unsaid". The level of this "unsaid-ness" depends entirely on how emotional your character get of course. The theory is that more emotion can be carried in the stuff the character does in response to the situation, but holds back what he could say.

In you example, perhaps Brant rather than completing his thought fully could relate his memory and simply pat Xan on the back reassuringly? Actions speak louder than words. Now I don't know your character that well unfortunately so I can say if its right for him, but it might be worth trying something similar.

I definitely think the melodrama is in the philosophical talk. Relay the past experience then lett Xan (and the reader) connect the rest.

Here's a separate example (a terrible one, but it should work):

"I'm scared" said Mary.

"Don't worry. The bats won't hurt you."

Instead, could be:

Mary flinched, and dragged her fingers through her hair for the umpteenth time. At the drop of a pin, she would wave her arms around the cave in a violent swatting motion.

Dan stepped closer and took her hand. "Don't worry. I'm right here"

Okay it really is rubbish but does it help to illustrate what I mean? To me there is more emotion in the second one because of the action. Sure, Mary's actions are massively melodramatic but in my defense I was exaggerating for effect


Hope it's something you can make use of Brian, but if it doesn't match up with your style no worries.

 

[BWFoster78]

Ankari,

I think you nailed it man. That's much better.