Do you like this metaphoric dialogue?

[Androxine Vortex]

Basically, a sorcerer who is the leader of a large cult that worships a demonic deity, is speaking with his master by means of ritual. He has been tasked with destroying a powerful nation (haven't decided on name yet) who is governed by a god who banished the demon out of their version of heaven. The sorcerer is asking how they can conquer such a powerful city, which is known to be well defended and strong. The demon wishes for his followers to corrupt the people's faith so that their blessings from their patron god will fail. This is the cultist's question to his master and the dark god's response:

"It is you, Master, that I follow and it is your name that I praise. Your hand is swift and the reach of your arm stretches over all creation. It is your will that I wish to carry out, but I fear in my service to you that I might fail. How can we arise triumphant over this nation, who's walls can withstand legions of soldiers that can come like an unending rain?"


"These people are much like a temple, built with mighty walls that can not be broken. The temple is strong because of its foundation, which is their faith. To destroy the whole, it is only needed to break the pillars that are its foundation and the rest will collapse on itself from its own failure."




Did you like this? Did I do a good job of conveying that he wants them to attack their faith toward their god and that from that their kingdom will crumble? I appreciate your input =)

 

[Garren Jacobsen]

I think it worked well for what you asked. I really liked the supplicant's dialogue. I would cut everything after "pillars that are its foundaton" The part after the and is unnecessary and, I feel, is kind of off to the ear.

 

[Trick]

"It is you, Master, that I follow and it is your name that I praise. Your hand is swift and the reach of your arm stretches over all creation. It is your will that I wish to carry out, but I fear in my service to you that I might fail. How can we arise triumphant over this nation, who's whose walls can withstand legions of soldiers that can even if they come like an unending rain?"


"These people are much like a temple, built with mighty walls that can not be broken. The temple is strong because of its foundation, which is their faith. To destroy the whole, it is only needed to break the pillars that are its foundation and the rest will collapse on itself from its own failure."

See above for my suggestions, the bold words are the additions I suggest (one is just homonym confusion, one of my own major blind spots ). Otherwise, it's hard to say that I would have known exactly what they are talking about because you clearly explained it ahead of time, but I think it's clear and the tone fits.