AcolyteBelow the tropical waters, far from human sight, the kingdom of Oceana thrived in peaceful harmony with the sea. On a mountain top, the palace dominated the undersea landscape with the towering coral gardens beside it. Its citizens residing in the glittering pink and yellow residential towers of the grand palace under the rulership of King Randal.
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My first 3 sentences
- Thread starter jxb911
- Start date
Demesnedenoir
Myth Weaver
Third sentence is a dependent, doable, yes, but this one feels awkward. What’s the target audience? POV? It’s light in visual clarity, so feels more YA or MG, and has that folk-tale/ fable feel which can be good if that’s the goal.
Oh, and “residential” could feel out of place depending on the overall flavor of the narrative. It lends a modern note, to me.
Oh, and “residential” could feel out of place depending on the overall flavor of the narrative. It lends a modern note, to me.
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- #3
Maker of Things Not Kings
Maester
It's a very folktale-like start!
I'll share a few thoughts, though you must keep in mind I'm big on cutting words whenever I can.
Opening sentence:
I'd drop the first "the", and I'm not sure "with the sea" is necessary at the end. (Is the kingdom truly in harmony with the actual water/sea?)
Second sentence:
On a mountaintop, OK, I had to go back and reread the first sentence to be sure we were underwater. We are.
I know mountain ranges exist under the sea but you just crafted a fine opening sentence to bring us under the water to your world and the word mountain jarred me right out of it. I believe the word seamount is acceptable: From the peak of the highest seamount. . . OR, From the peak of the highest undersea mountain, could work.
I'd drop the "the" between with and towering. Also, are those towering coral gardens beside the undersea landscape (that's how it reads) or beside the palace? You may want to rework that sentence to establish they are beside the palace.
Third sentence:
Yes, as Demesnedenoir mentioned above, it's a dependent sentence and somewhat awkward. And residential does come off as modern/urban/ land-side ish. So perhaps the entire sentence would be better if rearranged. Something like:
Under the rule of King Randal, citizens resided in the sprawl of glittering pink and yellow towers below the grand palace.
Best of luck with your story!
I'll share a few thoughts, though you must keep in mind I'm big on cutting words whenever I can.
Opening sentence:
I'd drop the first "the", and I'm not sure "with the sea" is necessary at the end. (Is the kingdom truly in harmony with the actual water/sea?)
Second sentence:
On a mountaintop, OK, I had to go back and reread the first sentence to be sure we were underwater. We are.
I know mountain ranges exist under the sea but you just crafted a fine opening sentence to bring us under the water to your world and the word mountain jarred me right out of it. I believe the word seamount is acceptable: From the peak of the highest seamount. . . OR, From the peak of the highest undersea mountain, could work. I'd drop the "the" between with and towering. Also, are those towering coral gardens beside the undersea landscape (that's how it reads) or beside the palace? You may want to rework that sentence to establish they are beside the palace.
Third sentence:
Yes, as Demesnedenoir mentioned above, it's a dependent sentence and somewhat awkward. And residential does come off as modern/urban/ land-side ish. So perhaps the entire sentence would be better if rearranged. Something like:
Under the rule of King Randal, citizens resided in the sprawl of glittering pink and yellow towers below the grand palace.
Best of luck with your story!
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- #5
