A bit depressed right now. . .

[Aegrus]

This may sound stupid, but listening to Linkin Park right now. . . I had a really jarring moment of clarity. I almost broke down in tears thinking, for some reason, of a book I wrote years ago. It was the first major book I ever tried to write, and the first one I ever finished.

That time in my life was just terrible. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I was depressed all the time. I considered suicide a lot. Eventually I went to a therapist, and I was diagnosed with OCD.

I didn't want to be alive. I had no friends. People, even family members, went out of their way to avoid me. I could never be happy. I drifted from one day to the next in a haze, and waited to go to sleep at night, to escape the anguish. It was like I was locked in a dark room without a key and the walls were closing in. Sorry for the cliche.

I started writing around that time. It was an escape for me. I wasn't any good at it, but I vented everything I had into fantasy. I was ambitious. I shot high, and even though I hit low, at least I'd tried. My writing was terrible, and painful, but exciting, and. . .I really think writing saved my life. I was never happier than when I was introducing a new character, or writing a new scene. For a while, I could just forget who I was to live in a world that worked the way I wanted it to.

I worked on it and worked on it for four years. My life started getting better. I started talking to people. I fought every day to break habits, confront my OCD. I fought to accept who I was, faults and all. Writing became slavation for me. It was something a talentless idiot like me could cling to, and call his own. It gave me more than an outlet. It gave me pride, and a reason to live. My spirit soared every time someone's eyes widened when they heard that I-- I, the talentless loser, was writing a book.

Eventually, I finished the book. It had 400 pages. 400 terrible, nonsensical, cliched pages that represented the most painful years of my life. The moment I wrote the last word, I put it on a shelf and I haven't looked at it for more than a few combined minutes in more than five years.

Since then, I've gotten much better at writing. I've worked hard ever day to create original characters and detailed plots. I've worked to improve my grammar and prose. I took a writing class, and apparently I blew everyone else away.

I've written stupid, trifling things. Bits of chapters, dialogue exchanges, outlines. But whenever it came time to sit down and actually write something big, a new book, I could never do it. For five years, I've barely written anything cohesive. Every time I try, my mind goes blank and I start to hate myself all over again. I hate that I can't just write like I used to. As bad as that book was, at least it was something real. Anything on paper is better than the most beautiful dream.

I keep telling myself that I'm good at writing. That sooner or later, something will just click, like it used to, and I can love writing again. I want my practice to be worth something. I don't want to wind up back where I was.

But just now, listening to Linkin Park, for whatever stupid reason, I realized that I've been lying to myself. I called myself a writer, these five years I've been too afraid to write anything. I waste my time on forums like this, because I don't want to admit that I'm nothing special anymore. Whatever skill I had, I think I lost it somehow. I don't know if I want to keep writing, or give up and forget everything. Writing used to make me happy, but now it's just reminding me of how bad things used to be, and it's making me miserable.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just don't know what I'm going to do now.

 

[Philip Overby]

You obviously don't think you're wasting your time on forums like this if you posted this here. I think we're a pretty special forum, and I don't think you wasted your time posting this either. I think a lot of people can relate to your situation. I'd say about 50 percent of my life I've had problems with depression. Most of it stemmed from a feeling of loneliness or not reaching my potential. Same as what you're probably feeling.

Even though I don't know you, I want you to know that Mythic Scribes is a community that cares about all our members. By extension, I care if you're having a hard time right now.

So many times writing has lifted me out of horrible places. You can do that too.

I think your depression has more to do with something else than just writing. What other things make you happy? What other things would make you happy? Seek them out. Writing is a good bastion to have, but you need to branch out and find new things that bring you joy.

The true test of a writer is their ability to channel their emotion into their words. And I think you've done that with your post. So you're not a terrible writer. Use this negative energy you have and channel it into your writing. Some of the best stuff I've written was when I felt as you do now.

Another option is to try other fiction besides fantasy. Maybe you've reached a brick wall and you just need to try other styles of writing. Try writing anything. If it can get you out of the funk, then it's worth it.

 

[Caged Maiden]

In high school I used to have a really hard time. I never really tried to kill myself, but I starved myself, cut myself, and deprived myself of sleep for days at a time.... I can't say I know how you feel exactly, but I think I have an inkling. I used to draw.....
I haven't drawn since 2003. It makes me upset every time I try to do it, and it was something I LOVED. I was good, too. I still am manic depressive, but I have made great strides to live with it and find happiness in this world (without medication of any sort).

For me, something that helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed, is to sort of put blinders on and focus on one thing at a time. It sounds like you have a lot going on and whenever you sit down to create, your mind fills with self-doubt and ridicule. I have been there too, and there are things you can do to minimize those feelings. I don't know if that helps, and I don't have a solid answer for you, but if you need someone to talk to, send me a PM.

 

[Codey Amprim]

As the others have said, you aren't alone. Honestly I have nothing but my creativity that's worth a damn. Sure I've had a rocky life with separated parents, alcohol abuse, and a whole load of other things, but looking back on it all, it made me a strong-willed individual. I know who I am. I know who I am not. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it (unless if I feel REALLY guilty).

Long story short, don't let anyone in your way of being you. If they make you feel worse, detach from them; if they make you feel better, get closer, but know your place

You do what makes you happy and throw the finger at those who tell you otherwise. Stand your ground.

I have depression, if you could call it that, chiefly because I'm a down to earth, honest, good guy. Those types are few and far between, and most are insane; they also get stepped on like bugs. I have a level head, and I also have common sense - two essential things in this day of age if you wish to make a difference.

I know my faults and my limits, and that's what's helped me stay on the high road. Life, to me, is about making a name for yourself and always being the better man.

Sure, I've done things I wish I hadn't, and others I'm glad I did. I'm still here right? And so is my future. Don't end your life because shit got rough, it isn't worth it, my friend. Strive forward, and use those downfalls to fuel your engine of success.

Look at yourself. There's a reason why you live; while it may not be clear, you need to find your purpose to be happy. Mine is writing my fantasy story that I hope will be one of the greats. Why? Because I love entertaining people with my own creations. Always have. Always will. That's something depression can't destroy, but can make it difficult. Keep at your dreams, and never give up.

On the subject of coping with the negative parts of life, I always had an escape in my back pocket for when crap hit the fan. Now, I have a whole universe in the back of my mind, where I am God. It's a really empowering thing, if you think about it.

I drew a lot, and occasionally still do. I got most of my characters through drawing all those many years as I picked up things while I grew. I have some up on this site actually. Regardless, it was an outlet for me when all others were shut. Gaming was another one, even if all the first person shooters I played might have given me dangerously high blood pressure. Eventually, I came to writing, and it has been the pool of my creativity, experience, and purpose. But I always had something.

You need to know you're not alone, and that it can always be worse - bottom line.


I can give you a few stories about some crappy things in my childhood, if you'd like to compare! ;D Just kidding, bud. Unless you want to, haha

You came to the right place though. Who knows, maybe your "thing" isn't writing, but something else. All you know for sure is that it helped you like an angel in the past. Maybe that was all it was meant to do, but by all means don't forget or abandon it. You're probably into a really good story with it that just needs refined and matured. My WIP was rewritten completely 3 times before I settled on an appropriate, mature orientation for it. Don't lose hope.

 

[Jess A]

We all feel down about our writing sometimes. I sometimes brood about whether I am ever going to finish my novel (let alone properly start it), am I good enough writer, etc. You got to 400 pages! Even if it wasn't a very good piece of writing, you got it out. You wrote it. I can't claim 400 pages. I've never finished a novel (yet!).

Nobody's first book is going to be a prime piece of work. I was in a history lecture today at Uni, and the lecturer made a joke about how crap her first book was. She was being serious, though. Her later works were better and she improved.

We all start somewhere. And a lot of people write from personal experiences in their lives.

I hope that you continue to write and I hope that you rediscover your passion!

 

[Aegrus]

I was a wreck yesterday, and I was off base by saying that this forum was useless. I regretted posting as soon as I did, but I could hardly take it back. To be honest, I expected people to tell me to get over it and get my problems off the forum. I'm glad noone's said that, so far, at least.

It's not anyone's responsibility but my own to get my life in order and decide what I want to do, though I'm certainly grateful that people cared enough to post. I've actually learned a lot here, and every member I've spoken with seems like a genuinely good person.

Anyway, I drafted a new plot for a book after I posted this. It's decidedly different from anything I've done before.
I started writing it this morning, and so far it seems pretty good. Compared to what I usually write, anyway. Hopefully I don't hit a wall.

Thank you, Little Storm Cloud, Cody Amprim, anihow, and Phil the Drill.

 

[Xanados]

If you're going to be depressed, you could at least listen to some decent music. Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath.

But seriously, we have all felt these things. You'll find I'm the odd one out here, I'm afraid. I can't feel human emotions.

Chin up and all that, eh? Be a man.

Edit: Okay, I'll actually add something useful. Listen. It's all in your head. You have to get passed it. Break that barrier. You say you've somehow "lost" your talent. I seriously doubt that. It sounds like you're thinking about things too much. I know I do.

 

[grahamguitarman]

Nah, if your depressed its got to be dark side of the moon by Pink Floyd

TBH I havn't sculpted in a dozen years now, and I was bloody good at it, but I can't find the willpower to just get on and do it. In fact I abandoned art altogether for a long time, and became an engineer instead.

But the creative urge will out in the end, and now I paint, draw and write all the time (Though I still avoid sculpting).

Right now you may feel as if you will never write anything useful, but the creative spark WILL come back - when you are ready and not before. Just as I'm sure I'll become a sculptor again!

 

[Caged Maiden]

It may be a weird suggestion, but you could try throwing the first book away.....
Some people, myself included, save everything. Every doodle I made in High School, every outline I have ever written and might write.... etc., etc.
I had something I was hanging on to for years, and whenever I looked at it or thought about it, it was like stabbing myself in the heart. It took a whole lot of courage and more willpower than I thought I had, but one day, I just threw it out when I was cleaning my house. I just went over the the bookshelf, opened a folder and threw the damned thing out.
All the weight I'd put on the object and all the emotions I'd tied to the thing that tormented me went out as if I'd thrown them in the trash as well.

Who cares about papers if they are hurting your soul? It's not worth keeping if it's your own personal tell-tale heart, something which causes you pain and worry or anxiety and fear.
I moved past some pretty intense and binding feelings all in that one act, and since then, I haven't had such a connection to an item again.

I think humans have a hard time in this world, because deep down, we are animals too. But we find ourselves in the unique position of having time to develop psychological issues over damn near anything,where animals are too busy you know, surviving and finding food. It might just be time for you to cleanse your life a little and in doing so, your soul gets unburdened.

hope you are feeling better

 

[SlimShady]

This may sound stupid, but listening to Linkin Park right now. . . I had a really jarring moment of clarity. I almost broke down in tears thinking, for some reason, of a book I wrote years ago. It was the first major book I ever tried to write, and the first one I ever finished.

That time in my life was just terrible. I'm not sure how else to describe it. I was depressed all the time. I considered suicide a lot. Eventually I went to a therapist, and I was diagnosed with OCD.

I didn't want to be alive. I had no friends. People, even family members, went out of their way to avoid me. I could never be happy. I drifted from one day to the next in a haze, and waited to go to sleep at night, to escape the anguish. It was like I was locked in a dark room without a key and the walls were closing in. Sorry for the cliche.

I started writing around that time. It was an escape for me. I wasn't any good at it, but I vented everything I had into fantasy. I was ambitious. I shot high, and even though I hit low, at least I'd tried. My writing was terrible, and painful, but exciting, and. . .I really think writing saved my life. I was never happier than when I was introducing a new character, or writing a new scene. For a while, I could just forget who I was to live in a world that worked the way I wanted it to.

I worked on it and worked on it for four years. My life started getting better. I started talking to people. I fought every day to break habits, confront my OCD. I fought to accept who I was, faults and all. Writing became slavation for me. It was something a talentless idiot like me could cling to, and call his own. It gave me more than an outlet. It gave me pride, and a reason to live. My spirit soared every time someone's eyes widened when they heard that I-- I, the talentless loser, was writing a book.

Eventually, I finished the book. It had 400 pages. 400 terrible, nonsensical, cliched pages that represented the most painful years of my life. The moment I wrote the last word, I put it on a shelf and I haven't looked at it for more than a few combined minutes in more than five years.

Since then, I've gotten much better at writing. I've worked hard ever day to create original characters and detailed plots. I've worked to improve my grammar and prose. I took a writing class, and apparently I blew everyone else away.

I've written stupid, trifling things. Bits of chapters, dialogue exchanges, outlines. But whenever it came time to sit down and actually write something big, a new book, I could never do it. For five years, I've barely written anything cohesive. Every time I try, my mind goes blank and I start to hate myself all over again. I hate that I can't just write like I used to. As bad as that book was, at least it was something real. Anything on paper is better than the most beautiful dream.

I keep telling myself that I'm good at writing. That sooner or later, something will just click, like it used to, and I can love writing again. I want my practice to be worth something. I don't want to wind up back where I was.

But just now, listening to Linkin Park, for whatever stupid reason, I realized that I've been lying to myself. I called myself a writer, these five years I've been too afraid to write anything. I waste my time on forums like this, because I don't want to admit that I'm nothing special anymore. Whatever skill I had, I think I lost it somehow. I don't know if I want to keep writing, or give up and forget everything. Writing used to make me happy, but now it's just reminding me of how bad things used to be, and it's making me miserable.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just don't know what I'm going to do now.

Tbh your problems sound eerily similar to my problems. Well past problems anyways. Everyone always goes through a rough patch in their life at some time or another. The only thing you can do is just keep slogging through it and know that better days will eventually come. Keep writing, keep trying. I believe if you try hard at something enough times that you'll eventually succeed. Depression sucks. I was extremely cynical when I was depressed. Truthfully I started repressing my emotions and just falling deeper and deeper into a black hole. I thought life was just pointless and I even got to the point where I started wishing for death, although I knew I could never kill myself. I'm sixteen years old as of now and I've already did so much shit that I've already come to regret. I've did some wicked things in my life that I'm actually to ashamed to even admit.

But, believe me when I say that it will get better. Find other things than writing. Of course by all means continue writing and following your dream. But, as others said branch out and find other things. You never know you might discover something you'll love just as much as writing. I'm not gonna get all religious on you or anything, but you have to look around at the world and wonder why you were put on this earth.

You were put here for a purpose. Everyone has a purpose in life. You just have to find yours. No matter what you say, you are talented individual. Consider your accomplishments. You wrote a book. How many people can actually say that? It doesn't matter how good it is. You've accomplished a great feat. Not very many people have the willpower or skill to write a book.

Even if it was bad, just think of the positive. You can only improve from here.

 

[Leif GS Notae]

I think there is one way you can determine the fact if you are a writer or not, regardless of mental health status or anything else that might block your path:

Do you always think about writing? Not obsess over it (I know I do, but I am odd), but see something and think to yourself about how it can fit into a story/your story? You meet someone and instantly think about the flaws that would go well with a character you were thinking about. You see a map and think about the pirate ships/spaceships/whatever that explore the areas in your mind.

So many people hang their hats on getting novels published and being recognized as a multiple series writer. These are noble goals, but they are something you work up to. You have to accept who you are first and know this is the direction you wish to go.

Heck, i wasted 10 years of my writing life in a depression. I played video games and wondered when I would be hit by a bus to end it all. I limped through some writing, but it wasn't great. I look at it now and wonder how I ever decided to let people see it. Through it all, I kept writing. Something kept clicking. At first, i thought it was dumb luck; catching lightning in a bottle, seeing the magic behind the curtain for a heartbeat.

When I stopped hiding and accepted that I was a writer, no matter what anyone else told me; that is when true progress happened. It can happen for you as well. All you have to do is ask the one question:

Do you always think about writing?

 

[Alex]

At the risk of sounding like a babbling fool, a few years back I had a hip surgery. Such a thing is never minor, it was brought on by a handicap I have had since birth. After the surgery, I was unable to walk or stand, even the little bit I had done before. In all honesty, it was quite depressing barely being able to do anything. All I did was take it day by day and eventually, the pain went away and I got my strength back. I think if you just tell yourself to keep fighting and slog your way through that marsh called depression, you will come out a stronger, better person than you did before. A writer never gives up on his passion, his dream. Fight for it and you shall succeed, my friend!

 

[UnintentionallyHeroic]

Well, you can rest assured that everyone cares about you here, Aegrus. I'm in high school and I suffer from depression and anxiety attacks. Drawing and writing are a type of coping mechanism for me, too. I dunno, for some reason, writing and depression just go hand in hand. Anyway, you were put here for a reason, you know. And even though you may not think so, more people care than you think. Things are always better than you think they are, and even when you've hit rock bottom, you can take relief in knowing there's no place to go but up. Don't backtrack into what you were in the past when life is so wonderful. I thought I was going to for a while but eventually I just slapped myself in the face and told myself I was too blessed to be depressed. This too shall pass, my friend, this too shall pass. Hell, you wrote a book. I can't sit down and write a book. And from that point forward, writing became your thing and you've gotten better. So maybe those bad experiences were a blessing in and of themselves.
You've just got to snap yourself out of your funk. There's no good way to tell you how to do it, but you've just got to realize it's all up here, in your head. If you tell yourself things are good, that you're a talented individual, hopefully your outlook will become better. There's a thing or two to be said about faith. If you write, write, write, eventually something will spark!
And even though you don't know me at all, anytime you need to talk, you can come to me, okay?

 

[Ivan]

I dealt with depression, and still do I guess, but I have found a fix. Writers and smart people in general analyze and criticize everything, including ourselves. We see our every fault and problem, and want to fix them. Sometimes that can get overwhelming. I've learned to stop saying "I should do this, I should be doing that." I just pick something and do it, immerse myself in some activity, whether it is writing or something else. In other words, be the main character instead of the narrator once in a while.

 

[Ghost]

I considered starting a topic on mood disorders in the Chit Chat forum, but it seems kind of heavy for chit chat. It's something a lot of writers go through. When I hear an artist doesn't have a mental health issue, doesn't regularly consume drugs or alcohol, or hasn't experienced tragedy in their lives, it surprises me more than if they have all three.

Oh, don't listen to depressing music when you're depressed. Once in a while, it helps me if I need to cry it out when I have "the blues," but when I'm having an episode it's a bad idea. It's time for Ace of Base or the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang soundtrack.

I took a writing class, and apparently I blew everyone else away.

I think this is something to remind yourself. Other people recognize that you have talent and you have something to say. While we're wallowing and beating ourselves up, it's easy to forget something so encouraging. It's easy to forget people believe in us. Sometimes, I end up thinking what a disappointment I am to those people, but even with the guilt I can still find it reassuring to know someone wants to read what I have to say as a writer. Someone, maybe several someones, felt the same way about you.

For five years, I've barely written anything cohesive. Every time I try, my mind goes blank and I start to hate myself all over again. I hate that I can't just write like I used to. As bad as that book was, at least it was something real. Anything on paper is better than the most beautiful dream.

I can relate. My writing only improved slightly, and I must emphasize slightly. The thing is, I used to write and finish my short stories. I used to be proud of them. Now, I doubt myself and I'm very critical. I wish I could return to times when writing was effortless and joyful. And yet, when I'm not thinking and worrying, I can still manage stories and vignettes. I know it's all in my head.

I don't know what you should do. I don't know what I should do, but I feel like things are coming to a head for me, like a storm on the horizon, a sense of urgency. I think the best we can do is try to push through and avoid expecting too much of future endeavors or thinking too little of whatever we do accomplish.

Here's to all of us getting out of our own way!

 

[emma]

New here, but this thread hits on a lot of my issues. I used to write all the time. short stories would be finished and even submitted here and there to be returned with "good story but not quite right for us, try again". I'd attempt novels. Finished a few rough drafts of a romance and a sci-fi and a fantasy. Finished a paranormal novella which the online writing group I hung around with loved and convinced me to send out. This was about 6 years or so again when the online publishers were just getting a solid following. I sent it. Got a rejection. Not a bad one and I sat down to rewrite it to send it out again....and had a lot of life changes at the time and it didn't get done. Ended up with a stressful full time job that ran to 50 hours or more a week waaaay more then it should have. Slowly i stopped writing. Stopped making notes even. Then, to escape from the job stress...i found my way to World of Warcraft and let that fill my need to escape like writing used to.

For the pass three years I've been struggling with depression...took a less stressful job...and tried writing. Oh my god...has it been hard. So many story ideas, world ideas, plots that I would write down all the time but when it comes to actually starting to write any story...it's so hard.

I feel like I've forgotten everything I learned and honed talent wise back when I was writing regularly. Everything I write feels awkward or not quite right. I always struggled with not being good enough but after not writing for so long the feeling has multiplied to astronomical proportions!

But, I also can't help but feel like it's time to jump back in and so I've joined a forum or two...hoping reading and interacting with other writers will help get that need to write jump-started just a little bit more. Some days that's all I feel like I need. Maybe one of these days that will prove true.

It helps knowing others struggle with it as well in different ways or for different reasons.

 

[phoenixwings]

I can relate to how you feel too.

I have been battling with depression since i was 13 (I'm now 22 and still wandering through the haze) I wasn't social with others in my yeargroup and due to this they understood me to be snobbish and that was one of many reasons be nasty and terrorise me but the truth behind my stand offishness was more understandable - I was sexually abused.

Music and writing are enough to keep me sane and keep the demons from getting out to where they can harm me. Some of what I write ends up to be focused around the subject which i know so well but shouldn't. It's something that i want to draw attention to but at the same time I don't because it's taboo and a controversial subject to delve into.

Some days are easier than others, I imagine that you must have those too. You just have to put one foot in front of the other, take one step at a time and breathe easy. Suicide is something that tiptoes into our minds and for some people it takes over. I used to think about it all the time before I found my niche. Of course, I still have moments, and I probably will but all I can try and do is try and reach my potential.

Sorry for the drivel.

 

[Xanados]

I do not suffer from depression - I have had no social interaction of any kind on this earth with which to form a basis for what we know as "depression" or any of the other artificial mental states.

Misanthrope? Hm, no. Modern-Misanthropy, if there is such a thing.

*Hesitated to post this information because I shall undoubtedly look like an "attention seeker".
An attention seeker would have to, of course, have a vehicle to profess his deep unfathomable nonsense.

 

[grahamguitarman]

I do not suffer from depression - I have had no social interaction of any kind on this earth with which to form a basis for what we know as "depression" or any of the other artificial mental states.
.

That's not really how depression works, its not a result of social interaction, its a result of personal perception. You can have no social interaction whatsoever and still suffer depression, for example loneliness can create depression. I know because I suffer from social phobia disorder, its not so bad now as I've had therapy for it. But the loneliness of being unable to interact socially made me very depressed indeed for many years. Meeting my wife and having kids made a huge difference to my life and I don't feel as lonely now.

But, despite having a less lonely life, I've just had to go back on Anti depressants again. Though this time different factors have come into play. I have a five year old Autistic son with severe learning difficulties (who is also incontinent, and cannot clean himself up without our help) and a seven year old daughter who is depressed because she is struggling to cope with her brothers Autism. I've tried my hardest to stay strong for my family and to only see the positive outcomes rather than the negative. But in the end the pressure of it all wore me down, and I've had to go back to using drugs for now.

I've hardly painted for months, and I'm not writing as much as I am capable of doing, which is fustrating when you have so many ideas. I just hope the drugs enable me to work productively again.

But you know what, Even with the stress and depression, I still cherish my family and love them for who they are. For all the stress and heartbreak, they are my family and I'd rather have these problems than be alone again.

 

[Aidan of the tavern]

How can you lose the ability to write? You can't. You can get writer's block, you can find yourself without inspiration, but you can't lose the know-how of writing. Writing is a skill that moves forwards, not backwards, its always about learning more and progressing. I myself am down about my writing at the moment, I have lost faith in my first and so far only book, but I know I will write again, because I can't get any worse.

Aegrus, your writing has been praised by outside forces, if in a writing class then thats like gold. This is confirmation that you can write, that you are a good writer. And if you can't lose the ability to write, then what evidence is there that you aren't still a good writer? I'm no expert, and I'm not diagnosed with depression myself, but it sounds to me like you are subconciously or otherwise blocking out this proof of your ability, perhaps because you don't consider yourself deserving of such talent.

Don't throw that first book away. Lock it away if you want, but never get rid of it. As has been suggested try turning to the other artforms. The creation process makes us feel good about ourselves and raises our self esteem (scientifically proven), music, artwork, sculpting, drama, even just excercise. The fact is Aegrus, if none of us believed in your abilities, we would all be ignoring you right now.

Sorry if that all came across as somewhat harsh by the way. Seriously, if you want to chat I'm around most evenings.