Feedback wanted

[Matt Devitt]

Hi everyone,
I'm the author of Conquest, and I would greatly appreciate some feedback on my book. What I'm working on now is my description. I'll paste two below, and if you could let me know what makes you want to read the book more, that would be great!
Thanks, Matt

description 1
Affer was once a peaceful planet, until a war broke out between its six inhabiting species. The humans, who were once the mightiest force on Affer, were massacred in droves, and the ones who survived the onslaught were reduced to mere slaves. The five other species divided the humans amongst themselves and returned to their respective kingdoms.
The years passed, turning into decades and centuries, without any change. Eventually, the humans had accepted their fate as slaves. All except one. Four hundred and seventy-three years later, Fletcher Rush starts his journey to free his kind...and conquer the planet.

description 2
From a slave, to a soldier, to a king…that is Fletcher Rush. Shackled in chains and with the world against him, it seems impossible, but something is only impossible because no one has done it yet. To Fletcher, it doesn't matter how much the odds are against him, after every battle, he will stand victorious or lie among the corpses.
He dedicated his whole life to one thing, and one thing only: freedom. Now Fletcher isn't just the leader mankind needs, he's their only hope.

 

[pmmg]

Of the two, I like the second better. It has more voice... To me, it speaks of anti-hero, which does not really appeal to me, but its definitely more engaging.

For a back of the book blurb though, I am not sure its enough. It feels kind of thin.

 

[skip.knox]

You have the materials there. I suggest you try writing to different lengths. I think the Zon has a limit of 400 words (but verify that!), whereas many book promo sites are much more restrictive. I've seen as few as 50 words. Pmmg is right about back cover--so some word counts, but I think those are around 150-200.

In short, start to think beyond just "blurb" and start thinking about how to pitch your book at varying lengths. Then write those.

 

[Remedian]

Previous comments are right. 2nd one holds more weight to it. But first one does provides more context. Try combining both? Try to give more info while still puting weight and voice to it. I would want to read it if i know more info about it.

 

[Matt Devitt]

Thanks, everyone! I liked the second one, but felt like it was missing what the story was about, while the first one doesn't hit as hard as I want. It's just nice to hear what other people think.
I'm going back to the drawing board!

 

[minta]

I would go with description 2. It is tighter, more character-driven and gives a stronger sense. D1 also good with worldbuilding but 2 feels more xDD

 

[Matt Devitt]

Here is my third version. Feedback would be appreciated.
Thanks to everyone!

From a slave, to a soldier, to a king…that is Fletcher Rush. For centuries, humans have been enslaved, and freedom was impossible. But something is only impossible because no one has done it yet. To Fletcher, it doesn't matter how much the odds are against him, after every battle, he will stand victorious or lie among the corpses. The former might of the humans shall return, and the five other species of Affer will fear them once more.

Cities will fall, lives will be lost, and hope will falter, but the war won't end until Affer has been conquered. Fletcher's sole purpose in life is to free his kind, and now he isn't just the leader they need, he's their only hope.

 

[Diana Silver]

I think I quite like it, but the way it is now feels very... wordy. Especially a blurb should catch me in as little words as you can, or that's how I feel.

Would you mind if I suggest something?

From slave, to soldier, to king.

For centuries, freedom was impossible for humans. But the odds don't matter to Fletcher Rush. He will either stand victorious or lie among the corpses. He will bring back the former might of humans and the five other species of Affer will fear them once more.

Cities fall, lives are lost and hope falters, but Fletcher won't give up the war until Affer is conquered. He lives to free his kind, to be the leader they need, and their only hope.

Or well, I don't know, maybe others here will say I'm way off target.

 

[Prince of Spires]

I like Diana's version the best so far.

That said, it's a bit on the short side. Average blurbs run something like 200-250 words, this one is 87. So it can double without feeling short.

There are 2 things missing for me. The first is the why. I get that being a slave isn't the most fun in the world. However, that goes for all of them. Why does this one chose to fight? What's his personal reason to get started? To free humanity feels to generic for me. When they killed his wife he had enough (or whatever) would feel a lot more personal.

The other is who or what is opposing him? Again, 5 non-human species is very distant and generic. Charles, king of the Dwarves, who enjoyed toying with Fletcher and had burned down his village is a lot more personal.

On thing to note is that the purpose of the blurb (assuming that's what we're writing) isn't to give me a summary of what the whole book is about. It's to sell me the book. And then it's often better to focus on a small part of the tale that is an example of the whole rather than try to give the whole thing. If Fletcher has to escape his slaver and gather friends to free humanity because of X, then that might be a better angle than to try and give the whole story in 250 words.

 

[xena]

Both are solid. xDD