Post Your Opening Paragraph

[Ireth]

From an RP I hope to someday, maybe, novelize (note that this was written 3 years ago and does not indicate my current skill):

Conall breathed deeply of the warm May air as he crossed the grassy field swiftly on horseback, heading toward high stone walls of the city. He would be home soon... home to a hot meal and a warm embrace from his beloved wife. Heartened especially by that last thought, he dug his heels into the horse's flanks, goading it on faster.

 

[SunnyE]

Conall breathed deeply of the warm May air as he crossed the grassy field swiftly on horseback, heading toward high stone walls of the city. He would be home soon... home to a hot meal and a warm embrace from his beloved wife. Heartened especially by that last thought, he dug his heels into the horse's flanks, goading it on faster.

I like it. Makes me interested in where he's been, how long he's been gone. I'd read on for sure.

Here's mine from the first draft of my novel. From the prologue:

They were running. Feet pounding the earth, breath coming in ragged gasps. The sounds of leaves rustling and twigs snapping hung heavy in their ears. Both were being beaten by low hanging branches and viciously scratched by thistles in the underbrush. They broke free of the snagging branches into a clearing and onto the banks of a large stream. Without slowing, they sloshed through calf-deep water, narrowly missing large rocks strewn dangerously throughout the stream bed. Out of the water and back into the thicket on the other side. They were exhausted and their hearts hurt from exertion, but they had to keep going.

 

[Mari]

I like it. Makes me interested in where he's been, how long he's been gone. I'd read on for sure.

Here's mine from the first draft of my novel. From the prologue:

They were running. Feet pounding the earth, breath coming in ragged gasps. The sounds of leaves rustling and twigs snapping hung heavy in their ears. Both were being beaten by low hanging branches and viciously scratched by thistles in the underbrush. They broke free of the snagging branches into a clearing and onto the banks of a large stream. Without slowing, they sloshed through calf-deep water, narrowly missing large rocks strewn dangerously throughout the stream bed. Out of the water and back into the thicket on the other side. They were exhausted and their hearts hurt from exertion, but they had to keep going.

I don't understand why folks don't like to use names in opening paragraphs. I think names are a good thing.

Over all this paragraph uses description well and dose what an opening paragraph should: give us a setting, show tone, introduce the character or characters, and as a question.

Here is something for you to consider:

Both were being beaten by low hanging branches and viciously scratched by thistles in the underbrush.

I couldn't read this out loud without needing a breathe. Therefore I think it needs a comma; also I think you could tighten it up a bit.

Both were beaten by low hanging branches, and viciously scratched by thistles in the underbrush.



They broke free of the snagging branches into a clearing and onto the banks of a large stream.

They broke free of the snagging branches, into a clearing and onto the banks of a large stream.


Without slowing, they sloshed through calf-deep water, narrowly missing large rocks strewn dangerously throughout the stream bed.

I don't think you need to say where the rocks were. We know.

Without slowing, they sloshed through calf-deep water, narrowly missing large rocks.



Over all I think you convey the emotion, and action well.

[[[[[]]]]]]]

Here is my opening to my first novel, Thank Teller.

Call me Ishmael, just kidding, call me Teller.

We dream of what we will be when we grow-up. For some it is a fireman, a lion tamer, or a vampire hunter. You dream of being a hero, of whips, of gold lapels and brass buttons, and of ridding the world of monsters. You don’t dream of doing dishes for twelve guys, or of losing body parts to cranky loins, or the fact there is little sleep for the hunter.

 

[Kit]

Losing body parts to cranky LOINS? Is that a misspelling? If not, I'm torn between wanting to know what that means and *not* wanting to know.

 

[Mari]

Yah, I misspelled. Dyslexia working its Mojo on me again.

 

[Stinnpack]

When Mirrina awoke she was laying upon a cold stone flood. She was covered in a thin black veil and was surrounded by a gathering of individuals, hooded and cloaked in robes the color of freshly spilt blood. The only light in the room was cast by the circle of candles spaced evenly around her.

This is the opening paragraph to the book I'm currently working on.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

When Mirrina awoke she was laying upon a cold stone flood. She was covered in a thin black veil and was surrounded by a gathering of individuals, hooded and cloaked in robes the color of freshly spilt blood. The only light in the room was cast by the circle of candles spaced evenly around her.

This is the opening paragraph to the book I'm currently working on.

There are too many "was" words in this excerpt. The writing is far too passive... Change it to stronger, active writing. Also, the pattern or cadence of the passage is identical from sentence to sentence. That is partially due to the "was...was...was...was". This has an effect of predictability. It becomes like a monotone voice to the reader.

 

[Jamber]

From an RP I hope to someday, maybe, novelize (note that this was written 3 years ago and does not indicate my current skill):

Conall breathed deeply of the warm May air as he crossed the grassy field swiftly on horseback, heading toward high stone walls of the city. He would be home soon... home to a hot meal and a warm embrace from his beloved wife. Heartened especially by that last thought, he dug his heels into the horse's flanks, goading it on faster.

Lovely! It's active yet descriptive, full of feeling and fluid to read.

Just one thing, I'm not sure you need 'goading it on faster'.

cheers
Jennie

 

[Stinnpack]

Revision

There are too many "was" words in this excerpt. The writing is far too passive... Change it to stronger, active writing. Also, the pattern or cadence of the passage is identical from sentence to sentence. That is partially due to the "was...was...was...was". This has an effect of predictability. It becomes like a monotone voice to the reader.

Thanks for the tip. I went back through my first chapter and did some much needed revision. I made a few changes that should keep the flow of the story more even and enticing.


When Mirrina awoke she found herself lying upon a cold stone floor. Her naked form had been covered in a thin black veil and surrounding her stood a gathering of individuals, hooded and cloaked in robes the color of freshly split blood. The only light in the room, cast by the circle of candles spaced evenly around her, created shadows that hid the faces of each chanting figure.

How does that look?

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Thanks for the tip. I went back through my first chapter and did some much needed revision. I made a few changes that should keep the flow of the story more even and enticing.

When Mirrina awoke she found herself lying upon a cold stone floor. Her naked form had been covered in a thin black veil and surrounding her stood a gathering of individuals, hooded and cloaked in robes the color of freshly split blood. The only light in the room, cast by the circle of candles spaced evenly around her, created shadows that hid the faces of each chanting figure.

How does that look?

Much better for cadence. However, you really want to eliminate passive writing. Phrases like, "had been covered" are passive. You really need to use active voice if you want to engage readers.

If you do a search on these forums for active vs passive voice, you should find a lot of information on the topic.

 

[PlotHolio]

Since T.Allen.Smith didn't post a paragraph of his own, I'll just post one of mine and hope it doesn't lead to flipped tables.

Ai sat alone and gazed absently up at the Spire, watching as the the anti-matter thrashed between its coupling towers. It was like black lightning, streaking through the air in jagged arcs. The sound of thunder drifted thousands of feet down to the dirty concrete streets of the Spiretown slums as the very air was ripped asunder.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Sorry I didn't get around to it quickly enough. Feel free to skip this excerpt if need be. however, I've included a beginning passage from a second chapter of a particular POV.

The crash of the mace on his abdomen dropped him to his knees. Unable to breathe, he held his mouth open wide, gasping for air. Badrick rolled over onto his back. The outline of the broad, stocky man moving to stand over him, blocked out the blinding sun.
"Now you're dead boy."
Badrick wanted to scream back at the man. He wanted to stand up and fight. He wanted to breathe. Instead, he lay there, flattened out like a beached fish sucking for breath that wouldn't come. He felt powerless.


P.S.. In all honesty I didn't read the full requirements of this exercise before I posted critique.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Since T.Allen.Smith didn't post a paragraph of his own, I'll just post one of mine and hope it doesn't lead to flipped tables.

Ai sat alone and gazed absently up at the Spire, watching as the the anti-matter thrashed between its coupling towers. It was like black lightning, streaking through the air in jagged arcs. The sound of thunder drifted thousands of feet down to the dirty concrete streets of the Spiretown slums as the very air was ripped asunder.

One point in an otherwise nice bit of writing. Instead of "It was like black lightning..." Maybe use "Like black lightning, it streaked through the air in jagged arcs". Gets rid of the weak verb "was" and brings the reader into the present more effectively.

 

[PlotHolio]

One point in an otherwise nice bit of writing. Instead of "It was like black lightning..." Maybe use "Like black lightning, it streaked through the air in jagged arcs". Gets rid of the weak verb "was" and brings the reader into the present more effectively.

Good idea. Thanks. I wrote this several years ago, so I'm surprised it's not complete drivel.

 

[Jamber]

My apologies -- I made the same mistake as T. Allen Smith, so will try to rectify it here.

The crash of the mace on his abdomen dropped him to his knees. Unable to breathe, he held his mouth open wide, gasping for air. Badrick rolled over onto his back. The outline of the broad, stocky man moving to stand over him, blocked out the blinding sun.
"Now you're dead boy."
Badrick wanted to scream back at the man. He wanted to stand up and fight. He wanted to breathe. Instead, he lay there, flattened out like a beached fish sucking for breath that wouldn't come. He felt powerless.

1. Liked it.
2. Would keep reading.
3. Because it's very economically written, precise, yet full of tension. Characterisation is simple but effective. I greatly enjoyed the bleakness of: 'Now you're dead boy.' (I know a reversal is coming...)
My only question is whether you need 'He felt powerless'?

best wishes
Jennie

 

[Jamber]

First para, total first draft -- a twin world story.

NB A 'soak' is a small wet area, often fed by a spring. Not sure if I should change it but I wanted the feel of a forgotten bit of pasture.

On the day of lightning, Marie lay in a grass bowl rimmed by kohl-dark trees, her long limbs fanned out. Her brother’s bicycle had already swept past on the treeline road calling her name. She didn’t care. Her attention clung to the sky where a black speck hovered. Clouds drifted toward it in slow, thin spirals. She closed her eyes and opened them to check that the spiral was really tightening—it was. Gleefully she kicked her school shoes off. One went straight up in the air and came down in a cow-pat while the other sailed into the soak. She felt like the queen of discovery, a new Gallileo, only she'd never tell anyone.

 

[Renos]

First para, total first draft -- a twin world story.

NB A 'soak' is a small wet area, often fed by a spring. Not sure if I should change it but I wanted the feel of a forgotten bit of pasture.

On the day of lightning, Marie lay in a grass bowl rimmed by kohl-dark trees, her long limbs fanned out. Her brother’s bicycle had already swept past on the treeline road calling her name. She didn’t care. Her attention clung to the sky where a black speck hovered. Clouds drifted toward it in slow, thin spirals. She closed her eyes and opened them to check that the spiral was really tightening–it was. Gleefully she kicked her school shoes off. One went straight up in the air and came down in a cow-pat while the other sailed into the soak. She felt like the queen of discovery, a new Gallileo, only she'd never tell anyone.

Very nice threat
1. Liked the use of the language
2. Would have to keep reading because at the moment I don't have a clue where you are going with this lightning
3. Questions were raised about the little girl, why wouldn't she say anything about it? Is she different than other kids? I guess I 'll have to read further

Just a draft from me too

1909 AD Venetia​

“It was a gloomy day and I was sitting in the corner of a scary place called “The Orphanage”. I hated that place. Every morning they made us eat a horrible soup with disgusting vegetables, that if I recall correctly they were calling them onions and mushrooms. After that horrible breakfast we were forced to get out and sell pieces of paper called newspapers that strangely no one would bother to buy. I was five at that time I think. The leader of that place told me my mother was a very interesting lady from a distant land called Russia, but he didn’t have any information on which my father was. Never saw my mother. It was that gloomy day sitting in that dark corner imagining the face of my mother, that I met Prometheus”