Ireth
Myth Weaver
I'm having some issues with a snippet of a scene in my RP "Characters in a Can". The viewpoint character here, Lóegaire, is a man who was once a 1000+ year-old Daoine Sidhe before accidentally being transformed into a human and losing all memory of his past life, due to a healing spell gone horribly awry. Now he has learned of his true heritage from a Daoine Sidhe named Cadell, who had been his comrade in the past, and Lóegaire is wrestling with the choice to return to the Fae or stay among the humans he has befriended.
#
"Excuse me," said Lóegaire softly, getting to his feet. "I need to be alone for a while."
He slipped into the bathroom and shut the door behind himself for privacy, then stood staring into the mirror above the sink. His reflection stared back, pale, dejected and confused. Was the face in the mirror really his? Had he looked different as a Fae? Could he even be sure that Cadell had told the truth about that? Which of his so-called friends, both mortal and immortal, could he truly trust? Cadell and his folk, or the Hawks and others at Dunehelden?
Anger coiled in the pit of his stomach like a serpent. Vincent had done this to him somehow, and had not even told him about it afterward, much less apologized, if he truly was sorry. Lóegaire had nothing to explain what had really happened the day he had allegedly been shot, save for the words of his human friends; not even a scar remained in his shoulder. That would have been proof of his injury, at least, but the loss of his memory was a different matter. How much of what everyone had told him these past few days had been true, and how much was a lie?
Lóegaire scowled, glaring into his own brown eyes as his anger coiled tighter. Somehow or other Vincent had stolen his memories, his life away from him, leaving him with next to nothing – he had even had to be reminded of his own name. And that was because of an attempt to save his life, or so they said. What magic was capable of that? Had Vincent known of the consequences before performing the spell? If so, why had he gone on with it? If not, why had he dared a thing unknown to him? Had things really been so dire that there had been no other choice, no time even to ask Lóegaire's own opinion? Who or what had tried to kill him in the first place? Vincent had said it didn't matter, but to him it did. If he had enemies, he wanted to know of them so he could avoid them in the future if they ever came back. What was gained by keeping things a secret?
He stepped back and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, hands clenched on his knees. Was Vincent someone to be feared, with magic that even he did not know the strengths and weaknesses of? Had this happened before, would it happen again? Could Vincent turn him back into a Fae if he chose that path? Did he dare ask any of these questions aloud? Who could answer them for him? Would he learn and understand enough about himself, past and present, to make his choice within three days?
He stifled a groan and buried his face in his hands. Too many questions, no answers in sight, and no indication of where to turn next.
#
My main issue with this scene is the lack of physical activity as Lóegaire wrestles with his questions, in the third to fifth paragraphs specifically. Are there too many questions with not enough action spacing them out? I don't want to cut out any of the questions, as they're all relevant and important, but I could add more action if need be.
#
"Excuse me," said Lóegaire softly, getting to his feet. "I need to be alone for a while."
He slipped into the bathroom and shut the door behind himself for privacy, then stood staring into the mirror above the sink. His reflection stared back, pale, dejected and confused. Was the face in the mirror really his? Had he looked different as a Fae? Could he even be sure that Cadell had told the truth about that? Which of his so-called friends, both mortal and immortal, could he truly trust? Cadell and his folk, or the Hawks and others at Dunehelden?
Anger coiled in the pit of his stomach like a serpent. Vincent had done this to him somehow, and had not even told him about it afterward, much less apologized, if he truly was sorry. Lóegaire had nothing to explain what had really happened the day he had allegedly been shot, save for the words of his human friends; not even a scar remained in his shoulder. That would have been proof of his injury, at least, but the loss of his memory was a different matter. How much of what everyone had told him these past few days had been true, and how much was a lie?
Lóegaire scowled, glaring into his own brown eyes as his anger coiled tighter. Somehow or other Vincent had stolen his memories, his life away from him, leaving him with next to nothing – he had even had to be reminded of his own name. And that was because of an attempt to save his life, or so they said. What magic was capable of that? Had Vincent known of the consequences before performing the spell? If so, why had he gone on with it? If not, why had he dared a thing unknown to him? Had things really been so dire that there had been no other choice, no time even to ask Lóegaire's own opinion? Who or what had tried to kill him in the first place? Vincent had said it didn't matter, but to him it did. If he had enemies, he wanted to know of them so he could avoid them in the future if they ever came back. What was gained by keeping things a secret?
He stepped back and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, hands clenched on his knees. Was Vincent someone to be feared, with magic that even he did not know the strengths and weaknesses of? Had this happened before, would it happen again? Could Vincent turn him back into a Fae if he chose that path? Did he dare ask any of these questions aloud? Who could answer them for him? Would he learn and understand enough about himself, past and present, to make his choice within three days?
He stifled a groan and buried his face in his hands. Too many questions, no answers in sight, and no indication of where to turn next.
#
My main issue with this scene is the lack of physical activity as Lóegaire wrestles with his questions, in the third to fifth paragraphs specifically. Are there too many questions with not enough action spacing them out? I don't want to cut out any of the questions, as they're all relevant and important, but I could add more action if need be.
Sage
