Are these extra words worth it?

[Marscaleb]

I'm writing a scene; this is about 9 chapters into my work. The main character is introduced to several new characters; soldiers being placed under her command.
I've got two different versions I have written. One describes the whole scene and gives dialogue between the MC and the new characters. The other is just a quick summary. The summary is (obviously) much shorter so we can get through the introductions and get on to the important parts of the story. But the long version gives a little more flavor. I can't quite figure out which is more worthwhile.

Here is a sample of each version.
First, the long version:

Amber stood up, slipped her papers under her arm, and took a sharp breath before stepping outside.

Five soldiers stood in a line, shoulder to shoulder, with the corporal standing in front. All six stood at attention and saluted.

Amber returned the salute. “At ease. This isn't an inspection; I just want to get to know the men I will be serving with before we hit the skies. ...Let's start at the top.”

Amber stepped in front of the corporal and flipped to his file. “Hugo Ochsner. Corporal. Vice-commander of the Raven Squadron.” 26 years old. His hair was the color of desert dust. He had a thick mustache that looked like it was made from the bristles of a push-broom.

“How long have you been in the military?”

“Since I was 19, ma'am.”

“Any civilian career? Or are you military for life?”

“Oh I'm a lifer, ma'am.”

“Any family?”

“A wife and three kids.”

“How old are your kids?”

“Three, six, and eight.”

“Nice.” Amber nodded and walked over to the line of soldiers. The first up was the lance corporal who had defied her earlier. He had candy-red hair. “Name?”

“Lance Corporal Lukas Nussbaum, ma'am.” His voice was still a little raspy.

Amber found his file. 24 years old. “So what has your career been like?”

“I joined the Army when I was 18, served for two years, decided not to re-enlist. When the war started, they offered me a promotion if I re-enlisted. It sounded better than waiting to be conscripted.”

“So what did you do in your civilian life?”

“I work for my father's mercantile company.”

“So your family owns a store?”

“No ma'am, we sell and distribute to stores.”

“Ah, you're the middle-man. And what of your family? Married? Kids?”

“Yes ma'am, a wife and two kids.”

“Good, good,” Amber casually nodded. She stepped over to the next soldier in line. “Name?”

“Private Elrico Mupia, ma'am.”

Total word count for the full version: 1382

And the same section for the short version:

Amber stood up, slipped her papers under her arm, and took a sharp breath before stepping outside.

She spent the next few minutes getting to know the members of her squadron, walking down the line, asking some basic questions and reviewing what was written in their files.

There was Corporal Hugo Ochsner, the vice-commander, he was 26 and had hair the color of desert dust. He had a thick mustache that looked like it was made from the bristles of a push-broom. He was pursuing a life-long military career, and was married with three kids.

Lance Corporal Lukas Nussbaum was 24 and had candy-red hair. He enlisted when he was 18, served for two years, and left the military to work with his family's mercantile business. When the war started he was offered a promotion if he re-enlisted, and decided to take that offer rather than risk getting conscripted. He was married with two kids.

Total word count for the full version: 388

(That said, there are two exchanges in the full version that I would want to include in other scenes if I use the short version, coming to 418 words, so the true difference between these versions is 576 words.)

I know a lot of fantasy readers like longer stories, but this isn't adding extra worldbuilding or magic or anything; it's just dialogue for meeting some new characters.

Is this longer version actually interesting and worth it? Or is it dragging out a section that honestly does little more than describe hair color?

 

[Finchbearer]

IMO you could take many words away in the first one and still convey the same message, and in both you could add words by writing the numbers as words instead of numerical glyphs eg. 33 would become thirty three. So to me it’s not really a question of a longer or shorter version, but more of a question of focusing on getting the right words in to convey what your story needs.

 

[LittleOwlbear]

The first one comes across much more lively and real, imo.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

The first one comes across much more lively and real, imo.

It feels that way because the first one does more showing, gets the reader involved sooner and gets further inside Amber's head. And that's really what matters. It's not a question of number of words. It's what you do with the words at your disposal. And if you can use those words to get the reader invested and asking questions, you're gold.

 

[skip.knox]

It is indeed about what you do with the words at your disposal. With that in mind, I have to ask, does it matter at all how many kids the soldier has? Does it matter whether or not he's a lifer or a conscript? Does the hair color matter (either to the plot or that you'll be using it in some way)?

IOW, are these just random details or is this information important for the commander to know? It does seem odd that she's asking them about personal life and the outlines of their business, rather than asking them about their military skills, or trying to assess their attitudes. IOOW, Why is she asking them these particular questions? What does she notice about their appearance, their voice, their eyes? Is this commander the sort to make quick decisions about others? Is she the welcoming type, who is mainly trying to win their confidence? Is this her first command and she's uncertain, tentative? And finally, what hangs on this encounter? That is, if she is clumsy, botches the interview, inadvertently offends, how will that matter? Or, if she's inspirational or friendly or whatever, same question? And, finally finally, What decision or action comes from this encounter? What leads us into the next scene?

If it matters to the characters, it will matter to the reader. If not, then not.

 

[Marscaleb]

It feels that way because the first one does more showing, gets the reader involved sooner and gets further inside Amber's head. And that's really what matters. It's not a question of number of words. It's what you do with the words at your disposal. And if you can use those words to get the reader invested and asking questions, you're gold.

At nine chapter in though, the reader has already seen a lot inside Amber's head. It makes it more interesting for a snippit like this, but would a reader still find that interesting?
And yes it's about "what you do with those words" but that begs the question of "are those extra words doing anything?" If not, the shorter version is preferable.

I only mention the word count to help indicate how different the two versions are.

Does the hair color matter (either to the plot or that you'll be using it in some way)?

I mean that's about describing the characters. Any character who is going to have a decent-sized role in the story should have a description of what they look like.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I mean that's about describing the characters. Any character who is going to have a decent-sized role in the story should have a description of what they look like.

Yes, this is true, with a caveat. No one likes a laundry list of a character's features. And if they do, they're weird. I have no idea why. What my team does is we talk about the characters and what descriptions we're going to need. Everyone has something that sets them apart and highlights their individuality, but if you go down the character sheet you risk boring the reader, and if they continue to read they are less likely to remember any of your detailed and thought-out characters.

So, as far as our main cast goes, we know hair color, because that's a gimme, but we tie that to the metaplot as little signposts of foreshadowing. We know roughly (the reader gets roughly, my notes get inch by inch) how tall everyone is, because this is important to know for fights and smoochies. Eye colors, because everyone loves pretty eyes. We know who is heavyset and who is painfully thin. Who wears glasses. Who's got tattoos and what they are. How immortality affects the mind.

No noses, so far. We have no clue what everyone's noses look like.

 

[skip.knox]

>are those extra words doing anything?
It's worth considering the proposition that there's no such thing as words that don't do anything. The question is, are they doing what you want them to do?

Now there are some possibilities here. The words describe the character, sure. Or, more precisely, they describe *part* of the character. Nobody describes *all* of the character.

The questions for descriptions--and this covers city vistas, castles, tea cozies, or puppy dogs--is what does the plot need at this point, and what does the POV character notice at this point? What the plot needs is largely up to the author. What the POV character notices, though, is more a matter of the author understanding that character and understanding the moment. Why do they notice hair color but not the shoes? Why describe the eyes but not the mouth? If the hand pulls a gun, do you describe the hand? The gun? Or the sick feeling in the stomach?

There are a thousand choices to make with every description. What I try to avoid, in my own writing, is deciding for the reader what they need to know. The reader needs to know this background! The reader needs to know what the place looks like. What the person looks like! Most times when I hear myself saying such things, if I step back I realize it's me that's the needy one. I think the reader needs to know. If I shift perspective and ask what the plot needs, and what the POV character notices (as distinct from what they see), I come to an entirely different sort of description.

I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Mickey Spillane never describes his main character. Mike Hammer. He did so deliberately, thinking every reader would imagine themselves as Mike Hammer and construct their own image. Which brings up another angle worth noting as well. No matter our description, the odds are the reader will imagine something rather different. On the other hand, some authors are absolutely brilliant in their descriptions and can read as enjoyable passages in their own right.

So, I can't really say if longer is better than shorter or the other way round. I can say what works for me and what doesn't, regardless of the word count. The second puts me off, as nothing seems to be happening or to be at stake. It's just a summary. The first works better, though I did find myself wondering why she was asking these particular questions and to what end. I was hoping that, once the interviewing was over, she would have some sort of assessment of her new team--which ones looked promising, which ones looked like problems.

 

[pmmg]

Yeah...Missing from this question is all the context of the 9 chapters before.

I prefer the first, but I don't feel connected to it. It could be done a hundred different ways and I might still feel the same. The scene needs to serve the purpose of moving the plot, revealing the character, or showing something important to the reader, and maybe several of those at once. Is this doing that?

At least in the first, I am learning something about Amber. She seem to have interest in these types of details. I am not sure why I as the reader need to know them, but it says a little about her.

But does it say what I did not know already? and does it say something useful?

I dont know.