Book description - feedback

It sounds like an interesting book with a solid plot. I have some suggestions to spice it up a bit. Villain! Of course, you don't want to give away spoilers, but give your readers a more vivid taste of your opposing side. Does the villain have a name? Go ahead and put it in the description, don't keep it vague. Make us hate him, make us want to pick up your book and root for the heroes as they clash with him. Don't keep your villains behind a veil.

 

“deadly enemy” is a good spot to add something about the enemy... after all, a nondeadly enemy isn’t much fun. No names necessary, but something.

These sort of things can take a lot of passes to get right, and I can only suggest so much without knowing the story, so I’ll hit areas I’d makechanges in with this current iteration. I treat this a little bit like a query letter, it’s a sales pitch. Take or discount my thoughts at will.

 

Just one additional suggestion or two.

Minor, but being elected 'leader' is vague. Is there a title for the position? Major, chief magistrate, chief or pinnacle citizen, president of council?

Also, if the town's name could be worked in. 'Town' is mentioned twice. Such specifics add some depth to the description. Names and titles can give a reader an idea, or a feel for the story.

 

I'd cut the first two paragraphs (because these are plot details a reader can learn later) and adapt the third paragraph. Maybe starting with something like this:

"Betharad and her siblings are hunted by the man who murdered their parents...

Some detail about the strangers who come into town might be interesting.

 

Ned has an excellent thought there. If this is going to be your Amazon blurb, remember that only the first couple of lines are visible when people see the grid of books that match their search. So, you need to start out with a real solid hook that makes people go, "wow."

 

Hi,

I would start by trimming the first line to something like - "When your heroes fail, who can you trust?" And then, the first time you mention "their town" replace that with the town's name as TWErvin2 suggests.

Cheers, Greg.