Chopping up run-on sentences and paragraphs

[Feo Takahari]

You know the drill; I'm editing someone else's My Little Pony fanfiction. He's trying to write from the perspective of a very well-educated and nerdy character, and it's coming out like this:

Her analysis of the readings she had taken indicated there was definitely a correlation between the massive build-up of wild magic currently taking place within the Everfree forest and the unusually cold weather that Ponyville was experiencing. As there was nothing to indicate anything within the forest was the cause, it backed up her suspicions that an outside force was responsible. It was some nights ago that she had been staring at the stars through her window when she realised that several were out of their normal alignment. After confirming this with her star charts and penning a short letter to Princess Luna (Spike had not been pleased about that), she knew for certain that the planets were shifting into a rare alignment. With such events known to affect magical locations and artefacts in sometimes extreme ways, she now believed that the wild magic build-up and strange weather was the result of this occurrence. She was curious to see if previous events had similar effects on Equestria’s weather and was going to go back over her journals and books to give her some idea how to prepare for what was to come. Her instruments showed that the ambient magic was still increasing and if this continued then they might end up with a Storm of Magic on their hooves.

Yes, that's all one paragraph in the original story. I don't want to push too hard, since it definitely conveys the character, but I still feel like this needs some trimming and breaking up for the sake of readability. How do I begin to break down this wall of text?

 

[Svrtnsse]

I'd cut it like this:

Her analysis of the readings she had taken indicated there was definitely a correlation between the massive build-up of wild magic currently taking place within the Everfree forest and the unusually cold weather that Ponyville was experiencing. As there was nothing to indicate anything within the forest was the cause, it backed up her suspicions that an outside force was responsible.

It was some nights ago that she had been staring at the stars through her window when she realised that several were out of their normal alignment. After confirming this with her star charts and penning a short letter to Princess Luna (Spike had not been pleased about that), she knew for certain that the planets were shifting into a rare alignment. With such events known to affect magical locations and artefacts in sometimes extreme ways, she now believed that the wild magic build-up and strange weather was the result of this occurrence.

She was curious to see if previous events had similar effects on Equestria’s weather and was going to go back over her journals and books to give her some idea how to prepare for what was to come. Her instruments showed that the ambient magic was still increasing and if this continued then they might end up with a Storm of Magic on their hooves.

The first paragraph break is where the content shifts from her musings on the current event to something she did a few nights ago.
The second paragraph break is where the content shifts from retelling those past events back to her musings on the nature of what's to come.
I hope this makes sense.

 

[Penpilot]

To me, it's hard to say because how you break it up will effect its cadence.

One thing you could suggest is the use of the em-dash to insert some narrative beats into the dialogue without the dialogue stopping. For example.

"Don't you look at me like that you"--Martha poked her finger into Fred's chest--"rotten pig."

When the em-dashes are outside the quotes like this, the action takes place at the same time as the dialogue. This can be used for narration too, not just actions.

If the em-dashes are inside the quotes, it means the dialogue stops while the action is perform then continues.

 

[Svrtnsse]

To me, it's hard to say because how you break it up will effect its cadence.

One thing you could suggest is the use of the em-dash to insert some narrative beats into the dialogue without the dialogue stopping. For example.

"Don't you look at me like that you"--Martha poked her finger into Fred's chest--"rotten pig."

When the em-dashes are outside the quotes like this, the action takes place at the same time as the dialogue. This can be used for narration too, not just actions.

If the em-dashes are inside the quotes, it means the dialogue stops while the action is perform then continues.

I can't recall having come across this in the past. Optionally, I just didn't notice it. Is it commonly used?

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

I'm not familiar with My Little Pony fanfiction, but here goes.


Her analysis of the readings she had taken indicated there was definitely a correlation between the massive build-up of wild magic currently taking place within the Everfree forest and the unusually cold weather that Ponyville was experiencing. As there was nothing to indicate anything within the forest was the cause, it backed up her suspicions that an outside force was responsible.

It was had been some nights ago before that she had been staring at the stars through her window when she realised that several were out of their normal alignment. After confirming this that with her star charts and penning a short letter to Princess Luna (Spike had not been pleased about that) I'd use dashes not brackets, she knew for certain that the planets were shifting into a rare alignment.

With such events known to affect magical locations and artefacts in sometimes extreme ways, Such events were known to affect magical locations and artefacts in sometimes extreme ways. And she now believed that the wild magic build-up and strange weather was the result of this occurrence. She Too many she's - we need to get her name in here somewhere. was curious to see if previous events had similar effects on Equestria’s weather and was going to go back over her journals and books to give her some idea how to prepare for what was to come.

She was becoming worried. Her instruments showed that the ambient magic was still increasing and if this continued then they might end up with a Storm of Magic Magic Storm? on their hooves.

Being intelligent and nerdy isn't really about long sentences and big words. (well nerdy might be.) Often it's about seeing simple solutions to complex problems - finding the right answer quickly. Clear thinking as they say. So I'd tend to throw in something about others not having noticed what was happening etc.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Penpilot]

I can't recall having come across this in the past. Optionally, I just didn't notice it. Is it commonly used?

From what I see, it's as common as any other punctuation. I wouldn't be sprinkling it into everything. But when used right, it's great.