Hey guys, I'd love a little help with a passage. I'm editing right now, taking a novel from first draft into what I hope will qualify as a much more finished and professional second draft. I know you've done a lot of these, but I really would love another example of how to do it in a scene change type situation. Okay, so the set-up...
Raven and her companions have escaped an occupied town, almost died, and have journeyed to find their friend, an elf, in his home. What I'm trying to accomplish, is the magnificence of a magical place, and the way to describe it by a first time viewer (Raven), who is in awe of magic. I think sometimes, where I have personal experience with things, I can easily fill in the details, but here, I struggled to find the right way to do it, so I'll post my original sucky one, and see if you all can't help open my eyes a little. This is one of those sort of placeholder descriptions, where you say, give the dimensions of room and mention three things in it, but nothing stands out or is really interesting, until you go back and make it so.
Okay, here's the first draft passage in need of editing:
Raven was in awe of the elf town as they got closer. She had never seen anything like it, nor could she have imagined anything so wonderful. The city was lit by lamps that glowed with a blue-green light, illuminating not only the ground, but also the wooden walkways that spanned between the ancient trees.
“Oh,” she breathed, “how magnificent.”
“Our town has been here many centuries,” Caraliel said, “we build our houses to blend with the natural forest.”
The center of town was a large circle, paved with flat stones, with a grand stone pool in the center. The whole area was so well-lit that elves sat on benches talking or walked around the paved stone circle, though it was surely almost midnight.
Caraliel led the way past the town center and opened the door to a beautiful house, one story, with a lovely little front garden and a small split-rail fence. There were several chimneys smoking, and light coming from within.
Upon entering, Raven saw that the inside was both luxurious and comfortable. It was warm, and the walls were covered with wood paneling. Weavings, paintings and tapestries decorated the entryway, making it feel comfortable and inviting.
Raven and her companions have escaped an occupied town, almost died, and have journeyed to find their friend, an elf, in his home. What I'm trying to accomplish, is the magnificence of a magical place, and the way to describe it by a first time viewer (Raven), who is in awe of magic. I think sometimes, where I have personal experience with things, I can easily fill in the details, but here, I struggled to find the right way to do it, so I'll post my original sucky one, and see if you all can't help open my eyes a little. This is one of those sort of placeholder descriptions, where you say, give the dimensions of room and mention three things in it, but nothing stands out or is really interesting, until you go back and make it so.
Okay, here's the first draft passage in need of editing:
Raven was in awe of the elf town as they got closer. She had never seen anything like it, nor could she have imagined anything so wonderful. The city was lit by lamps that glowed with a blue-green light, illuminating not only the ground, but also the wooden walkways that spanned between the ancient trees.
“Oh,” she breathed, “how magnificent.”
“Our town has been here many centuries,” Caraliel said, “we build our houses to blend with the natural forest.”
The center of town was a large circle, paved with flat stones, with a grand stone pool in the center. The whole area was so well-lit that elves sat on benches talking or walked around the paved stone circle, though it was surely almost midnight.
Caraliel led the way past the town center and opened the door to a beautiful house, one story, with a lovely little front garden and a small split-rail fence. There were several chimneys smoking, and light coming from within.
Upon entering, Raven saw that the inside was both luxurious and comfortable. It was warm, and the walls were covered with wood paneling. Weavings, paintings and tapestries decorated the entryway, making it feel comfortable and inviting.