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How to Survive a Redneck

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Addison, Jul 20, 2013.

  1. Addison

    Addison Auror

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    Today has been one of those days where I experienced something and found that I am one of few who could survive these experiences.

    My step-father, although a great man, is a certified, pain-in-the-butt redneck.

    Most people think a redneck is just someone who's from the south. Not so. Rednecks are people, mostly men, who are obnoxious, sarcastic (they think they're funny), not so smart most times and do things either without thinking or only thinking about it later. Like backing a camper truck into the garage with the back window still up. That actually happened in this house.

    So, some common survival tips I've found to work with rednecks.

    1. This one only works for females. Rednecks more than often love to have their shoulders rubbed. So if they're being pissy or you think they're about to do something stupid but aren't telling you, just start rubbing their shoulders and/or neck and they'll melt and spill their guts.

    2. Have a thick hide and a quick tongue. Most of their cracks are demeaning to one or more aspects of yourself. Either your physique, intelligence, or they say something that makes you stop dead and wonder what in heaven and earth is wrong with this guy. This is where you need a thick hide. A quick tongue is especially deadly as, being the intelligent one, your cracks will be better and stun them so bad they can't think of anything to say.

    3. You better love barbecue. If you don't you soon will. Rednecks pride themselves on their barbecue skills.

    4. You should know first aid. CPR, Heimlich, bandages, burn treatments, strange bruises etc. Think of rednecks as a preparation course for when you have kids.

    5. Prepare to be messed with. Most rednecks I've met like to do something non verbal just to see the look on your face or how you react. Just today my family red neck hid the mustard. Then he hid my sandwich and blamed it on the dog. Luckily, rednecks do not understand the terms "Come-up-ins" or "Karma". Which is yours to deliver. I recommend sneaking into the bathroom while they're taking a hot shower and dumping ice cold water on them. My sister recommends sneaking in while they're sleeping and painting their nails.

    So that's my survival guide. Any questions or advice to your own redneck, feel free to ask.
     
  2. Weaver

    Weaver Sage

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    And here I'd been expecting some kind of advice on how to survive an actual redneck attack. You know -- the times when they try to kill you because they caught you reading on your lunch break at work.

    Having spent most of my life in a part of the US full of such people, I know all too well what it's like to be a sci-fi/fantasy writer surrounded by people who think that book learnin' rots the brain and that science fiction leads to witchcraft. *shakes head* People like that are not going to be appeased by telling them that you really like how they cook barbeque.

    On the matter of barbeque, or rather, any foods typical of their culture that you would prefer not to eat, if they badger you about it, tell them that you'll eat some of their favorite food if they eat something you suggest to them. I got tired of being told that I HAD to eat soup beans and corn bread. (It was really nasty corn bread -- otherwise I'd have eaten that, at least.) After a while, I told them that I'd eat the beans and cornbread if they would eat red flannel hash. (I LOVE red flannel hash.) I knew, though, that such "foreign food" (as they see it) would repulse them, 'cause it's Yankee food. :) Beef and beets and potatoes and onions... and the potatoes are pink from the beets.

    Anyway. Sorry to hear that you're having trouble from your stepfather. You're a writer, though -- you have ways to get revenge that he's never even imagined.
     
  3. Filk

    Filk Troubadour

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    My neck is so red it's brown right now. Seriously though, I think rednecks exist everywhere rural. They're all over in Vermont, but try not to prejudge them so much. Some of them are really awesome, honest, and down-to-earth people. Some of them know how to and love to read, believe it or not!
     
  4. Addison

    Addison Auror

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    Redneck isn't a term based on the color of someone's neck Filk. Watch some Blue Collar Comedy or anything by Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy or Ron White and you'll get a clear picture.

    I'm not having trouble with my step-dad. He's been in my life for the last fourteen years. Today was just the usual with a little extra. Don't worry I have lots of ammunition. Especially as I just ordered a T-shirt that says, "Be careful or I'll put you in my novel." Ha-ha!

    Red hash sounds good.
     
  5. Filk

    Filk Troubadour

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    Not to nitpick or anything, but my understanding of them term redneck is from when there were rednecks and mountain men. Mountain men were wise and lived easily off of the land whereas rednecks were the less intelligent laborers who were not smart enough to wear a hat that would shield them from the sun and because they were laboring in the sun all day they would develop sunburn on the back of their necks. Thus, red neck. Could just be a Vermont explanation.
     
  6. Addison

    Addison Auror

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    Okay then let me rephrase the title, "How to survive an obnoxious-paint-in-the-butt-sarcastic-prankster-who-you-love-but-sometimes-regret-being-related-to."
     

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