WritesWithUnicorns
Scribe
I'm writing from my protagonist's POV. For the most part, he feels detached from people at large. They act almost as if he is invisible. And no, he is not imagining it. There are, however, 5 people in his life that he feels truly see him. I'm trying to write this reflection in one paragraph, but I feel it is quickly becoming unwieldy. It seems unnatural, but it is key to understanding his situation. I tried writing it in multiple paragraphs and somehow that was even worse. Anyway, I have posted the excerpt below. I would appreciate any constructive feedback.
"Some days Trevors felt as if he were losing his mind. It didn't help that most people treated him like he was all but invisible. He could count on one hand the number of people he felt saw him, really saw him. There was his mother, but she was a liar and looked at him with such sad eyes. Then there was Brother Aldrik, his teacher, who had fed Trevors' hungry mind all the knowledge it could hold and that turned out to be quite a lot. Wildlife Warden Ganderlane had taken an instant liking to Trev and had taught him to track, hunt with a bow, work trap lines and survive in the wild. He smiled fondly as he thought of Moralyssa Ovidia, the little neighbor girl who had adopted the Elvinians as her second family. She was the little sister he and his brothers had never had. Last but not least was Oz, his oldest and dearest friend. Oz had rescued him from the Tarsvelt brothers on their very first day of school together. If Oz hadn't been there, those three bullies would probably have beaten him black and blue. He and Oz had been best friends ever since."
I still have one character to add to this list which is Trevor's best friend, but as I said, to me it is feeling, unwieldy. Or is it? I went back and finished it. Still need feedback, I feel kind of bogged down in this paragraph.
"Some days Trevors felt as if he were losing his mind. It didn't help that most people treated him like he was all but invisible. He could count on one hand the number of people he felt saw him, really saw him. There was his mother, but she was a liar and looked at him with such sad eyes. Then there was Brother Aldrik, his teacher, who had fed Trevors' hungry mind all the knowledge it could hold and that turned out to be quite a lot. Wildlife Warden Ganderlane had taken an instant liking to Trev and had taught him to track, hunt with a bow, work trap lines and survive in the wild. He smiled fondly as he thought of Moralyssa Ovidia, the little neighbor girl who had adopted the Elvinians as her second family. She was the little sister he and his brothers had never had. Last but not least was Oz, his oldest and dearest friend. Oz had rescued him from the Tarsvelt brothers on their very first day of school together. If Oz hadn't been there, those three bullies would probably have beaten him black and blue. He and Oz had been best friends ever since."
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