Oh to be able to curbstomp depression.

[HalfElfHorror]

I struggle with Major Depressive Disorder, and even though I'm on mood stabilizers and anti-depressants that help greatly, creatvity and the will to work has floundered. I find myself staring at the blank page, the cursor blinking as if admonishing me to fill the space with words. It's the same with canvases, sketchbooks, and music. Everything seems duller and all I want to do is just exist quietly, not do anthing or answer to anyone. Sometimes I just want to hide away. Sometimes I even want to write or draw, and I sit with my blank page and try to will a thought, an inkling of an idea, but all I can do is stare as the minutes tick by.

Even though it isn't my fault, the guilt and frustration still settles in, seeping through to my bones. I long to create, to do something with myself. This post is not a hope to garner pity and attention, but to post about my own issues and hope it reaches someone else.

Though there may be a damper on your motivation and excitement, you will get the help you need and power through this. You will once again return to the things you love.

On a side note, I've recently started boxing, to get exercise and some happy juice in my brain. Once the pandemic clears I'll probably join the school team, and I'm excited to be doing something for myself. It feels good to be happy with myself.

 

[CupofJoe]

For me, it was cycling. I bought a bike and started riding. Not anywhere in particular, just out of the house doing something physical, that didn't require much active thought. We don't have too many real hills around me but it was fun getting over them one by one. I did get a little fitter but what I found was that as I got more tired, my brain actually started moving. Most of the time it was screaming at me to stop, but sometimes it was a line of dialogue or an idea for a character or scene. I loved that bike until I rode to pieces.
The new bike, which is technically much better, doesn't have the same appeal.
I think I need to back to basics again.

 

[Chasejxyz]

For a really, really long time I thought I was doing okay and my mental health was in control, in that it wasn't as bad as it was on my worst days unmedicated. But once I got my current psychiatrist and we discussed my symptoms, he pointed out that I wasn't really okay, actually, since my anxiety was still Really Bad and I was still pretty depressed a lot. It took awhile to find a blend of meds to help with my anxiety/depression/ADHD, and then additional doctors (and a therapist) to help with my gender dysphoria (and also hypothyroid too lol). I'm FINALLY in a place where, yes! I am doing okay! I can do the things I need to do, and even the things I want to do, and everything is manageable.

Your situation changes over time, and the meds that were once working for you might not be anymore. Doses need to be adjusted sometimes and that's okay. Don't be afraid to bring it up with your doctors. You should also look at your mind frame when you try to be creative as you might be unintentionally sabotaging yourself. I didn't write for a long time because nothing came out as good as I thought it should be, so why bother? But eventually, I found something I wanted to write essentially just for myself (fanfiction for a mostly dead fandom with a specific blend of tropes/AUs), so the final product was something that made me super happy, even if some parts weren't all that great. And people liked it! Having people give me positive feedback was awesome. They weren't picking apart every little thing, they were happy to see this highly specific thing. I started writing more fanfic trying out different story structures, different techniques, I was improving my writing because I was having fun and I wanted to do it. There have been stories I just dropped and didn't finish because it stopped being fun or I hit a dead end, there's a ton of WIPs that never got posted, I didn't force myself to be like [insert author here] or do [thing] because I'm SUPPOSED to do [thing] in [genre], because I found that just made me miserable. I'm not writing for other people, I'm writing for me and to make myself happy. If you haven't tried that, I suggest you do.

 

[HalfElfHorror]

I also struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, gender dysphoria and the works. It sucks but doing little things for yourself helps a ton! I've started doodling again and it's nice to finally be able to do something. I've also gotten big into researching random things.

I hope you feel better than your bad unmedicated days and your bland "I think I'm ok" but you're not days. I believe in both of us!! We got this