Passive Voice, need tips

[Nightender]

I try to keep my works at or below 20% passive. There will be some, simply because people talk in passive voice.

I use Aztekera's To Be Verbs Analyzer to point out uses of passive voice. Just seeing where it pops up not only helps me fix it, but also helps me not make the mistake in the first place.

 

[Kit]

@ Kit... "had" is my personal vice. "the merchants had raised the guild fees three times in the last year... the country people had known twenty years of civil war before peace spread to the land... etc. etc."

It just goes on and on in my rough drafts. The first thiing I do when I trim up is eliminate 80% of them. Almost all are unnecessary.

I still have a ton of had's. I would like to get rid of some- but without them, it sounds to me sort of like the action is more immediate than I want it to be.

"She had given birth to a daughter...."
"She gave birth to a daughter..."

The second one sounds to me as if I'm describing it happening right now, when in fact this was a long time ago.

I can't figure out how to fix this.

 

[Ireth]

I don't see anything wrong with had, personally. It's not an active/passive voice issue, it's one of tense and time. Sometimes it needs to be used.

 

[Kit]

In moderation, sure. But I have enough of them that it's noticeably redundant. I'd really like to remove some, but I can't figure out how.

 

[Nebuchadnezzar]

"She had given birth to a daughter...."
"She gave birth to a daughter..."

I tend to be in the same camp with Ireth around 'had' -- there are times it's the right tense & timing and so be it. I do find it kind of distracting so I try to avoid using it in large chunks.

If I feel like I'm using it too much, I sometimes rejig my plotting so that I don't have to refer to things that came before so frequently. I often find I'm using it to supply context and in those cases I'll apply the rule of Less is More; unless the reader really needs to know this stuff to understand the story, I cut some of it out.

Where using it is appropriate, I also make aggressive use of contractions -- "She'd given birth..." Sometimes that seems to help the text flow better (as I sound it in my head, anyway).

 

[Jamber]

My understanding is that 'had' is a verb, but its use tends to be associated with passive writing like this:
The elephant had a sore ear.
The sore ear is the subject, but in this sentence it's used passively. However I feel there can be something faintly silly about rewriting that to make the sore ear active. A crimson tear split the elephant's ear? Bloody pus dripped down the elephant's ear? If the elephant matters, fine; if you're just explaining why the mahout shook his head when asked to take tourists into the bush, the sore ear is perhaps best kept low key in favour of the mahout's expression and the tourists' affront (and variations on the theme of colonial ignorance).

I really like Caged Maiden's rewritings on the previous page, so for me making writing livelier in general is a no brainer. However to make active writing a commandment and to obliterate each and every passive phrase, I feel, forgets that the purpose of technique in fiction is to make the reader forget she's reading. If writing is gripping, it's generally gripping regardless of rules, which is why so many terrific writers strike their own balance.

 

[Kit]

The elephant had a sore ear.
The sore ear is the subject, but in this sentence it's used passively. .

I think the elephant is actually the subject there.

My first draft probably would have been, "The elephant's ear was sore" (now the ear is the subject)- but now we're back to the dreaded "was"!

I have done a load of edits and (I think) gotten rid of many instances of passive writing. Geez, that felt like a junior high school English assignment. What a drag. I hope it improved things. I hope that eventually the writing will start coming out like that in the first place instead of needing a bunch of troubleshooting edits.

 

[Jamber]

I think the elephant is actually the subject there.

My first draft probably would have been, "The elephant's ear was sore" (now the ear is the subject)- but now we're back to the dreaded "was"!

I have done a load of edits and (I think) gotten rid of many instances of passive writing. Geez, that felt like a junior high school English assignment. What a drag. I hope it improved things. I hope that eventually the writing will start coming out like that in the first place instead of needing a bunch of troubleshooting edits.

Ah, that makes better sense.

 

[Caged Maiden]

Regarding had...

I change sentences like:

He had seen his fair share of war in the past thirty years. Death had followed a step behind. With the storm that had passed in the night, he was well ready to take a little comfort in. He had money enough for that at least...



Into:

Thirty years on a battlefield left him with fears and scars innumerable. Death's creeping steps seemed to follow wherever he went, stalking him perhaps. Puddles lay everywhere, slowing travel after a full night of rain. He stuck a frozen hand into his pocket, searching for coins. He smiled and patted the pocket. Just enough to pay for a comfortable bed and someone warm to fill it.

All the hads are erroneous when you change the sentences. The meaning of the sentences is the same, and not even much wordier, but they're better tone and without the cheap "hads".

I'm again, not advocating taking out all "hads". I said I trim 80% going from first draft (first words on paper) to edited second draft. In some cases, I keep the "hads" like in "She had never seen..." I mean, how in the world would you rewrite that succinctly? The thing is, I bet if you try to trim them, you'll see the work reads better. I noticed that right away with mine gone. I'm not longer worried, sentences like:

"The guilds (had) raised the taxes three times in a year... They weren't (hadn't gotten) any closer... She (had) needed to know..." They're all easy to just take out. Sometimes, like above, you have to change the sentence though, switching out the words. I've found it a painless process for the most part and am a lot happier with how things sound.

 

[Jamber]

That's a great example, Caged Maiden. It's a perfect use of the technique -- action-based story, verby prose.
cheers
Jennie