REVIEW - BETTA FAIRY (Children Story)

[Monalisa]

I'm writing this story and needed feedback from fantasy lover out there. Don't miss out any critic and just give it all you had.




Betta Fish Fairy

Once, there was a small lake where all animals lived in harmony. You can find lots of animal group gatherings. There was a mother duck quacking with the little ducks. Colourful fishes dancing in the water. A group of frogs sat on top of a stone singing along with the birds. And all of the animal land big and small, herbivore and carnivore, gather around in harmony by the lake.

But one animal stood out among them. It swishes in the water and jumps off. A beautiful small creature, brightly blue and red colored scales and long, flowing fins. The fin then magically turned into colorful wings and fins turned into feet.

It is a Betta Fairy. A half betta and a fairy. In the water the fairy has fins with beautiful red and blue colors, and on the ground her tiny fin turned into legs with wings as beautiful as her fin. The fish fairy is the guardian of the pond that keeps the harmony of the creature who lives there, and everyone who lives there is happy and peaceful.

Then one day, a new animal species appeared in the river. Unlike other animals, they stood with two feet, with their other two feet dangling at the side of their body. They had a strange shape of face. They do not have sharp teeth like tigers, nor horns like bulls, or fins and wings. And they all came in groups as they built a weird box beside the river.

“What are they, Betta Fairy?” Asked the mother duck.

“They are called humans,” Betta fairy answered. “It is best we do not interact with them too much, as long as we don’t bother them, they would not bother us.” The animals agreed with the betta fairy and moved on.

But betta fairy was wrong. For these humans did not care about the harmony of the river. They started hunting all the animals on land near the river. They hunted and killed the deer and bull, they chased out tigers and elephants who came for water. The betta fairy can do so much to protect the animals. Then the humans started to chase down the freshwater animals.

It was an instant chaos. The men and children took everything they saw in the water. They took all kinds of fish, from catfish to a group of betta. Frogs, snakes, beaver, they took and took. The betta dairy tries to help her friend by pulling their fin off the human's grasp. But they were too strong and the fairy was thrown off to the river.

The betta fairy noticed the once blue river was now the color of brown and dirt. The beautiful freshwater of the river felt dirty.

Betta fairy tries to hide the other remaining animals away from the humans. But the humans somehow has new tools to take the fish out. Betta fish then heard a quack scream. The mother duck!

QUACK!

Beside the river bank where the mother duck lives, defending herself from two big humans. She pokes and pokes them with her beak. The ducklings hide beneath the bushes. Betta fish swims to the banks, runs on land to the ducklings.

“shhhh! shhh! Please be quiet!”

The ducklings quacks worried for their mother. Betta fairy told them to be quiet while she looks for leaves and branches to cover them up.

“QUACK!”

The betta fairy looked up at the mother duck being held back by its neck.

“QUACK!!! (SAVE MY CHILDREN!)” a flashing light of thunder came out as the betta fairy jumped off to the nest and all went black.

The next morning came with dark clouds. Betta fish came out of the bushes with the ducklings. Their once beautiful rivers are now in shambles. The water is black and brown filled with strange and dirty objects. More boxes where the human lives all lined up at the side of the river.

A group of a few animals, Betta fairy friends that left, frogs, betta fish, ducklings, and snakes, gather around. All of them look desperate for the betta fairy help.

“What should we do now?” All the animals asked. The betta fairy was silent, shook her head and flew away. All while the animals were in mourning, one duckling followed the betta fairy to an open field. Where the betta fairy cries.

The duckling watched from afar, when it felt the earth shake. The duckling runs toward the betta fairy. A human above them, looking at them. Terrified, the duckling runs away, leaving the betta fairy. The betta fairy stay still on the grass, looking up at the human.

“Whoa, did I scare the duckling?” the human said with a girl's voice. “Hello there,” the human kneels and she is a beautiful human. “You’re one beautiful butterfly,” the girl cupped the betta fairy into her hand and stood up. The betta fairy remains still. “You really are beautiful,” the human said again, the betta fairy felt flatter. The human then put the betta fish on top of a flower and left.

The betta fairy watches as the girl calls someone and out comes a young man with a weird tool on his shoulder. It was like the same human who stole the animals.

Betta fairy thought the humans were up to another hunt, so it warns all the animals to hide. The betta fairy hides with the duckling in their nest. They hear the humans in groups, making all kinds of noises around the river bank. Curious gets the better of the betta fairy, and it peaks out of its hiding.

Betta fairy were surprised, the humans were on the river, cleaning all the objects off the river. They took the bottle and plastic, water hyacinth, and everything that contaminates the river. The humans didn’t take the animals and let them go by.

The same human girl commanded its group and shouted. “Let’s reserve the river!”

“Reserve the river!’

The betta fairy was in amazement, relief and happy. It now understands there are humans that are like these groups. Though, even with the human picking up all the trash, the river is still brown. Theres only one thing to do.

The betta fairy gave the ducklings kisses, encouraging them to come out. Then it leaps off into the river. The betta fairy keeps her fin and wings form at the same time. As it swims across the river, a blue light follows. The river that was brown turned into crystal blue. Above, the humans fail to notice.

The humans then release new fishes and water plants. The betta fairy smile widened and greeted them. The betta fairy continues her way across the river. The betta fairy emerges from the water, flies higher above it. The river is still with the rows of human boxes across the river bank. But the river is now clear and blue, new and old creatures coming back. Birds singing back with the frogs. Ducklings swimming with the good humans. Colourful and different fishes pass through and dance.

Betta fairy felt a huge relief and laughed. It swirls above the river, the water below follows and betta fairy is gone, joining the clean river.

The end.

 

[pmmg]

Howdy Monalisa, thanks for posting. Gotta admire one who just jumps right in and posts up some work. You have a lot of courage

You dont often see one like this. It is very counter narrative, these are usually a setup for all us human types to take it on the chin, but this flipped that around in the end, and I would like for there to be more stories like that in our experience.

I liked the fairy tale format, and I can imagine this as an illustrated book if you decide to go for the 'for children' angle. I was thinking this would follow along the lines of 'the Lorax', but it went its own way.

But its not all roses....

I think the writing in this reflects that English may not be a first language. Many of the tenses are off, and some of the sentences do not have all the connecting words that make them flow nicely.

In this one, for example:

But one animal stood out among them. It swishes in the water and jumps off. A beautiful small creature, brightly blue and red colored scales and long, flowing fins. The fin then magically turned into colorful wings and fins turned into feet.

'Swishes' is an improper tense, it should be 'swished', and some of it, while getting the ideas across, are not sounding native to me, an English reader. One way I might rewrite this is as:



But one animal stood out from the others. It swished in the water and jumped over the surface, a beautiful and small creature with brightly blue and red colored scales, and long, flowing fins--fins that when it wished, could magically turn into colorful wings, and feet.



I think, if you are not a native speaker, that is going to be a hard hurdle to overcome, but it is not impossible. I like the idea of this, but I think its needs a bit of editing before it could be converted to be published.



Thanks

 

[Finchbearer]

First of all, hello

Second of all, if you’re looking for feedback on a scale of 1-10 you might not find what you’re looking for, so I’ll give my best critique for you from my perspective, and I’ll not bother with the scale rating.

Firstly the general idea is nice, and reads like a fable. Your descriptive language of the fish is lovely in some areas.

As this is a children’s story, and it is very very short, would you be planning this to go alongside images in a picture book?

There seems to be an overall theme of ecological concern, and how humans have desimated natural habitats, and the fauna along with them. However because this seems to a type of morality fable, separating humans from animals, I think there may still need to be a consideration for the animal food chain. Consider whether it would make sense to have animals from across the globe and from both higher or lower in the food chain living in a supposed ‘harmony’, because nature isn’t really like that.

Is English your native tongue, because some areas of your writing reads as though it perhaps isn’t?

Finally, the ‘betta’ fish fairy, do you pronounce it like ‘better’? The phonics of it sound a bit clunky, but that might just be me. If you’re going for a short children a story, I would personally whittle the use of language down, and choose those words really carefully. I don’t know a great deal about children’s writing, but it’s something I would probably read to my young son who is younger than eight. Is this your age range for your target audience?

Now that I think about it, it would be nice for you to write a description of what it’s all about for context to go with it.

 

[Monalisa]

First of all, hello

Second of all, if you’re looking for feedback on a scale of 1-10 you might not find what you’re looking for, so I’ll give my best critique for you from my perspective, and I’ll not bother with the scale rating.

Firstly the general idea is nice, and reads like a fable. Your descriptive language of the fish is lovely in some areas.

As this is a children’s story, and it is very very short, would you be planning this to go alongside images in a picture book?

There seems to be an overall theme of ecological concern, and how humans have desimated natural habitats, and the fauna along with them. However because this seems to a type of morality fable, separating humans from animals, I think there may still need to be a consideration for the animal food chain. Consider whether it would make sense to have animals from across the globe and from both higher or lower in the food chain living in a supposed ‘harmony’, because nature isn’t really like that.

Is English your native tongue, because some areas of your writing reads as though it perhaps isn’t?

Finally, the ‘betta’ fish fairy, do you pronounce it like ‘better’? The phonics of it sound a bit clunky, but that might just be me. If you’re going for a short children a story, I would personally whittle the use of language down, and choose those words really carefully. I don’t know a great deal about children’s writing, but it’s something I would probably read to my young son who is younger than eight. Is this your age range for your target audience?

Now that I think about it, it would be nice for you to write a description of what it’s all about for context to go with it.

First of, thank you very much for reading my story.

To answer your question, yes, I do plan to make it into children book illustration. I actually had this story for a very long time and I don't know where to get it start. When I found this website, I just post it so I can test how good it is.

With the ecological system, I actually follow the jungle book, in which the animals are in agreement not to harm each other as they gather around the river for water. Since I am from asia, I follow the native animals here.

To pronounce betta is bet-uh according to dictionary, another word is fighting fish. I choose this type of fish for their beautiful fins. For the age range, yes it should be around 5 - 10.

Again, thank you very much for your time to read and give suggestion to make it better.

 

[pmmg]

Betta Fish, though not as colorful as the one in the story.

 

[Monalisa]

Howdy Monalisa, thanks for posting. Gotta admire one who just jumps right in and posts up some work. You have a lot of courage

You dont often see one like this. It is very counter narrative, these are usually a setup for all us human types to take it on the chin, but this flipped that around in the end, and I would like for there to be more stories like that in our experience.

I liked the fairy tale format, and I can imagine this as an illustrated book if you decide to go for the 'for children' angle. I was thinking this would follow along the lines of 'the Lorax', but it went its own way.

But its not all roses....

I think the writing in this reflects that English may not be a first language. Many of the tenses are off, and some of the sentences do not have all the connecting words that make them flow nicely.

In this one, for example:

But one animal stood out among them. It swishes in the water and jumps off. A beautiful small creature, brightly blue and red colored scales and long, flowing fins. The fin then magically turned into colorful wings and fins turned into feet.

'Swishes' is an improper tense, it should be 'swished', and some of it, while getting the ideas across, are not sounding native to me, an English reader. One way I might rewrite this is as:



But one animal stood out from the others. It swished in the water and jumped over the surface, a beautiful and small creature with brightly blue and red colored scales, and long, flowing fins--fins that when it wished, could magically turn into colorful wings, and feet.



I think, if you are not a native speaker, that is going to be a hard hurdle to overcome, but it is not impossible. I like the idea of this, but I think its needs a bit of editing before it could be converted to be published.



Thanks

Hello, pmmg, thank you for your time to write a feedback for me, it is very much appreciated. I had wrote this story for a very long time and its just been kept it dusted, but thank you for your compliment.

I'll be taking your suggestion and correction for the grammar. And I really appreciate your time to write this

 

[Finchbearer]

Betta Fish, though not as colorful as the one in the story.

 

[pmmg]

Well, I dont know that I would be so brave as to put up my first writing.

I recently had reason to edit an older one, and man...I hope I am better at it now.

Also, I am not sure that the 1-10 scale is needed either. I think feedback and commentary would be more useful.