Right Names and Persons

[Addison]

This is driving me nuts.

As you all must know, experienced or new, writing your story has moments where you're driven crazy. Most of it is before or in the early stages of writing.

I am being hit hard at the end, third draft. In is my main character's name. Rian.

The other is the Person/Narration of my story.

Like I said my main character's name is Rian. Full name is Rian Calvin Harper. During this revision where I read it aloud the name was problematic. It broke sentence flow and other parts. The name used to be Rick, which wasn't problematic but the bully's name was Nick. And that's sticking better than the protagonist's name.

Harper is definitely the last name. The first name is giving me grief. Aside from those my other names are: Rider and Terren. (If it helps he's a preteen, tall, tan, kinda scrawny with blondish-brownish hair and bright green-brown eyes)

I don't know why the narration is a problem. It's subjective third but recently I've found myself rewriting passages in first person. The sad thing is the first person pieces sound better than the subjective third.

If you've had a problem with nagging narrators, please help. I'll post some examples, either in this thread or showcase, so you can see the difference. But the most nagging pain is the hero's name.

Terren or Rider or something else?

 

[ecdavis]

Are you favoring 'R' names for him? I can think of Ron or Ronald or Rodney which seem to go with Calvin Harper.

 

[Addison]

At first I was favoring "R" names, but all the ones that seemed to fit with his looks the most either confused him for another character (Rick and Nick) or didn't fit with the flow of the writing.

Right now I'm looking for something....rugged, I guess. I've mulled the character over and over in my head and all I can see/hear in the name has a hard consonant, maybe a second. Whatever else is there, I dunno.

 

[Addison]

As for the narrative thing that was driving me crazy, I've officially singled out the first person POV, after I changed the "I"s to "his, he" and such. But there's still a nagging questions as to which subjective third version is better. The one that's straight subjective third from a smart-aleck, two-cent-more narrator (the dead book hater for those who read the showcase), or the one that was originally first person but only with the changes.

 

[Addison]

Here are a few snippets from straight subjective third:

"Heck he's the reason summer wasn't fun....actually he's why nothing's fun.
Such as that grim morning in June. Rider was sound asleep, the only fun part of his life. The dog was asleep on his legs and the puppy was asleep in its kennel by the closet. Just him, his friends, and his bed. Then came the 'knock'. More like someone firing a shotgun outside the door. He jumped, the dog jumped and the puppy barked.
“Rider Calvin Harper!” He closed his eyes, his fingers pawed the sheets trying to get the gentle quiet of sleep back to me. No luck. There was another, heavier knock and he answered.
“Yea?”
“Are you up?!” At that point he actually opened his eyes and looked at the door. Owen could wake the dead and he's asking Rider if he's awake?
“Yea I'm up.”
“Then why aren't the chores done?” His eyes rolled as his face fell into the pillow. Chores done? It was only six in the morning. Rider was up at three thirty to let the puppy out to pee. Did Owen really expect him to stay up at that hour and get stuff done? "


" The moon was smiling through the tree tops. It wasn't a happy smile. It was the smile of a villain from a super hero comic strip when the hero was about to die. The hero in this case being Rick. "



"Rian looked around the hall. He was alone. Just him, his butterflies and the early-autumn chill nipping his neck. He shrugged his sweater snug to his neck and knocked.

“Come on in!” He stepped inside and closed it to keep the chill out.

“Hi Rian.”

“Hi-whoa.” The room stretched up into the rafters which held jars of glowing stones and bags and boxes of shiny fabrics. The walls were jumbles of packed shelves and candle holes, although hardly any had candles in them. One had a human skull and another held a jar, which held a snake. The room itself was a small maze of desks, work tables and chalkboards. Rian stepped past a cold fire place, ignoring the cackle from the cauldron, and past an open chart of demon anatomy. He needed two heads to see everything. He hoped it was a long meeting.

“Need an assistant?” He asked.

“No...why?”

“Because your office is amazing that's why....where are you?” He was in the middle of the room but there was no one there.

“Hunting.”

Not that answer he was expecting. “You're hunting?”

“Yes.”

“In your office?”

“Yes.”

Rian looked again at the demon chart, “Am I safe here?”

“Ha! Yes. I'm just hunting a mouse which has been making itself too comfortable in my books.”

“Ah. Want help?” Although he didn't know how, he didn't even know where Silas was. "



"Someone needed to shut her up. For one thing, she was rude, to say the least. For another she was an Under-Breed. They look human, like Carissa with her long blonde hair, round ears, fair skin, two arms, two legs and no tail. As Carissa is female, and a teenager, it's worse. Ever wonder what they look like without the feathers? She's it.

“So, skinny boy,” she said, “get out of my seat.”

Rian looked at his chair and around the room, “Why?”

Carissa blinked, the haughty glow fell from her skin. “What did you say?”

“I said why? There's....more than a dozen open chairs. Why don't you sit in one of them?”

“Simple. I want that one.”

“Don't do it Rian.” Luke hissed, “If you do, try to fart before you go.”

“You shut up.” Carissa spat.

“Go pluck your feathers.”

Not smart. There would be an explosion any second....any minute.....no explosion? Huh.

Carissa looked back at Rian, composing herself into another smile and coating her voice with honey. “Get out of my seat silly runt.”

Rian smirked, “You're worse than Nick. No. There's plenty of others, pick one of them 'cause I'm not moving.” He turned back to the game and slapped his cards on the counter. “I win.”

He didn't see the pissed off girl behind him. Didn't even sense it, almost.

“You can glare allyou want, not gonna change anything but your blood pressure...and your wrinkles.” Carissa yelped and scurried to the nearest mirror to prod and pull her cheeks."

 

[Addison]

Here's the edited bits that were first person:

""“Not be it.” he said, “If there's a problem, whatever it is, I'll find it and deal with it myself...I appreciate the offer and everything but I don't need help.” And he left. They didn't yell or call him back. But just in case he ran to the dorms.

Almost, that is. Jumping down the stairs he ran into someone coming his way.

“Harper?! You alright? I'm sorry.”

“Uh, not your fault Sir Cain.” He said as he stood up. “Going to fast.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Running through the halls?”

“Yes sir.”

“Uh-huh...come with me. We can put it behind us within the hour at soonest.” Yes! He's not dead! Cain lead the way to the Sciences building. Up into his office. The ceiling was glass with a thing white set of wheels slowly rotating below the hazy sky. Stacked to the window next to his desk were neat piles of science and magic magazines. Whether stacked, in shelves or on tables, he had all sorts of meters, beakers, crystals and artifacts.

“Wow.”

“Like it?” He smiled.

“Yea...very wizard.”

“Thank you. Sit at that table while I get your assignment.” Rian flopped into the high back chair and waited. He came back with a large cardboard box, a fresh pad of paper and a bigger bag of tagged satchels. “Your assignment, I think you'll enjoy, is to catalog each charm, amulet and talisman in this box. On the paper you write the number, the object you hold and place it in a satchel with the correct number. All my books on these objects are in those shelves. I'll be grading papers.”

He went to the desk without any...anything. Rian tested the weight of the box. He'd be there a while. He pulled out the first one and wrote: 1. Horseshoe, iron...has a bite mark. He numbered its bag and started a pile. Easy punishment.

He reached for another and felt paper. This one was wrapped. Unwrapping it he watched a large fang roll out. He touched it and yelled as it burned images before his eyes. A large orange eye was screwed up in a glare, fire flashed over its slit pupil. He saw a town in flames, the burning sign was barely legible. Through the screams and roaring flames he heard something else. A roar that shushed the fire and terrified the people' from screaming. A heavy clap like thunder and the smoke billowed. He only glimpsed a giant red head before it spat a ball of fire at him!

“Rian!” He jumped, “Calm down! You're safe. Just breathe.”

“Wh-but...it-it was..!” He wasn't on fire. Nothing was on fire. But it was hot.

“It's okay, deep breath. Tell me what happened.”

“I-I unwrapped a -thing and-it was a fang-I-I touched it and I aw-big dragon! Bigger than Reigo. Big angry red dragon burning the town!”


(Everything else that was changed is dialogue, not a lot to show a difference besides this, sorry)

 

[Feo Takahari]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but would using "Ryan" fix the flow issues?

 

[Addison]

No, 'cause of the sound, not the spelling.

....Quick question/poll, who thinks that "Robin" (or Robyn) is a.) a good girl name, b.)a good boy name, c.) good for both/either?

And right now I'd like to know which style of subjective third sounds/reads better.
Thank you!

 

[Ireth]

Robin sounds much more like a girl name to me (unless you're Batman's sidekick). As for the excerpts, I like the one that used to be first-person the best. Subjective third person tends on the confusing side every so often, IMO.