The Blurb for Faerie Rising: The First Book of Binding

[skip.knox]

I agree about the breath-holding. The opening sentence feels more strung out than punchy.
>Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with hidden private clinic in Seahaven, WA, who stands alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos.

Two things, one sort of grammatical and the other is substantive.

First, we have Winter who is a this, a that, and another. This person has a clinic ... "who stands alone"...

In my mind, we wind up with the clinic standing alone between forces. Is it really important that we know, right in the very first sentence, that this person has a clinic? And that it is hidden? And that it's in Seahaven? On that last point, if this were the second or subsequent book, I can see a callback along the lines of "return to Seahaven and Winter Mulcahy's clinic" or some such. But for the first in the series, it doesn't feel important to know the town name. Or state.

Second, "escalating violence" is good. That gets attention. "Preternatural population" is a bit of a mouthful. Having read the book, I know that's a story-specific term so I can let that go and figure a new reader will mostly just slide over it. But on one side we have the preternaturals and on the other side we have total chaos.

That stops me. Over here is violence in a population and over there is total chaos. So, violence and worse violence? What is Winter actually standing between? What's she trying to save and trying to prevent? As I remember it--and apologies in advance--it's that the escalating violence is a sort of harbinger of worse coming. More than standing between, she's trying to hold back a chaos that threatens her whole world.

A couple other comments. One, In the final paragraph you call her a "young wizard physician". You could shift that to "a wizard and trauma surgeon" and use that as the descriptor in the opening. Winter Mulcahy, a young wizard and trauma surgeon" or "... who is also a trauma surgeon" -- and ask yourself if much is lost if we leave out the potion master. We see the potion shop very early (I love the potion shop), so does it *need* to be in the blurb? I dunno.

More than one person didn't care for "local politics". Would that be local demon politics? Or maybe just "local factions" and let the reader imagine who those might be? I do agree that "local politics" feels like a shift in focus to mundane matters at City Hall. I also agree that we need a villain. Tears in reality are appearing and she can't stitch them up fast enough. What's behind it all?

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Two things before I go with this haul of awesomeness and wisdom and start hammering it into the keyboard...

I am the Queen of the Run on Sentence and must be stopped before I asphyxiate someone.

I love you guys so much! Thank you all for putting so much thought into this blurb. I can't tell you how much it means to be... which is ironic, being a writer and with the words and stuff. Maybe coffee?

 

[pmmg]

Is there a current new pass for this?

And is it the case that people ought to know stuff about the earlier books before reading this. Such as....Faerie being a place name?

 

[Finchbearer]

For the international reader, the abbreviation ‘WA’ of the state of (I’m guessing) Washington, might not be recognisable.

 

[pmmg]

Looking at this with a eye for how I might improve, I wish to say, the part of this I cannot improve on is the voice. Some of the sentences do run on, but there is a a crazy whirlwind aspect to it that I think is probably also present between the pages. My confusion more comes from the use of terms I am not familiar with, like the Sidhe, Preternatural, and Faerie being a place.

I do see some awkwardness in the sentences having too much info stuffed into them. 'Between' instead of 'against', the repeating of 'wizard' in both paragraphs, the inclusion of Harley and private clinic, and Seahaven WA. Some feel like extraneous info to me. Do I really care if the clinic is 'private', and isn't it enough that the Sidhe lords approached her? Do I need to know they are on bikes?

My editor brain says cut some of this down and make it flow better, but the details matter and add to helping me with what I should expect inside. If I was to edit this, I would cut some of the extraneous terms, but I fear that might hurt the voice.

I withdraw my earlier comment about Potion Master, and capitalization. I would go back to capitalizing that.

I would, however, change the second paragraph from, 'The young wizard physician' to her name. And I might make it a question... Can Winter learn the truth of the kidnapping and successfully navigate....

 

[pmmg]

I notice now, the thread title says this is the first book, and the opening post says you are redoing it. Is the blurb provided the one that is already on the back of the book, and you just added the word Trauma Surgeon to it?

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Hey, guys, I'm so sorry to be late to my own party. Been a day.

Okay this is what we have for Pass #3. My wife and I had a little miscommunication and she put this one up on Amazon, which was fine since it gave us a chance to fine tune our keywords, and also it's going to give me more time to incorporate all of your new ideas and I really think this is going to just be stellar. I can't thank everyone enough for putting so much thought and energy into this project. You are all so talented and amazing, but most importantly you are so generous with your energy and your time. Team Lowan greatly appreciates all of you.

~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard, a potion master, and a trauma surgeon with a hidden private clinic in Seahaven, WA, who stands alone between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. While holding the city together against threats old and emergent by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a fugitive from Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.


The young wizard physician must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping and successfully navigate the unpredictable waters of local politics before all of Seahaven falls to factional fighting and flames.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

And the original blurb, for reference so no one has to scroll up and down and whatnot.

~~

Winter Mulcahy is the last wizard in the city of Seahaven, WA and all that stands between the fractious preternatural population and total chaos. Holding the city together by the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her, the young wizard is approached by a pair of sidhe lords who claim that her city is harboring a fugitive who has kidnapped a sidhe prince, and that they are on a mission to rescue the boy.

Winter must investigate this fugitive to get to the truth of the kidnapping, discover the cause of the surges of wild magic tearing open rifts between realms across her city, and navigate the deadly waters of preternatural politics before Seahaven both figuratively and literally rips itself apart.

 

[Prince of Spires]

I like the new one better than the old one. It has a nicer rythm to it.

Tears in reality

Reading this gave me a vision of a preternatural Eric Clapton, strumming away on his guitar and singing about how there are no tears in reality...

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I like the new one better than the old one. It has a nicer rythm to it.


Reading this gave me a vision of a preternatural Eric Clapton, strumming away on his guitar and singing about how there are no tears in reality...

Yeah, I like the new one, too, and it just keeps getting better with each pass. And it's all you guys. You can see things I stopped being able to see years ago, and it refreshes the whole thing in my mind and makes it malleable again.

 

[skip.knox]

Much better!

I hate writing ad copy in all forms, blurbs included. It requires I somehow manage to be simultaneously analytical and enthusiastic in the composition. Makes my skin grind and my teeth crawl.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Much better!

I hate writing ad copy in all forms, blurbs included. It requires I somehow manage to be simultaneously analytical and enthusiastic in the composition. Makes my skin grind and my teeth crawl.

This is going to sound way out there, but as we're progressing with the series I'm actually starting to enjoy writing blurbs. They're challenging and a very different sort of writing than what I do normally, which can get a bit lyrical and thick with the run-on sentences. lol Ties of Blood and Bone is also wordy - almost twice Faerie Rising's length O.O - but there's a lot to cover. I finally got my feet under me with Beneath a Stone Sky, though. Chonky book, much shorter blurb. And the next three are following that model, which is a good thing. lol

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Okay, this is something like the 7th pass, and I'm finally feeling good and Jenny agrees and loves it. Now, what do you guys think? I've been fiddling with this on and off for a few weeks, and I finally realized that what I was missing was the answer to a question Skip suggested that somehow I'd scanned past. Probably because I wasn't ready for it, yet. The question was, "Why?" Gets me every time.

~~~

Winter Mulcahy is a wizard and a trauma surgeon with a hidden clinic in the heart of Seahaven, Washington. Where once there were dozens of Mulcahy wizards, she keeps the city together against threats old and emergent by only the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her. Holding this fragile line, she is the last wizard standing between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a powerful fugitive from the realms of Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

To maintain the city’s precarious balance of power, Winter must get to the truth of the kidnapping and this mysterious fugitive while also successfully navigating the deadly and deceptive waters of immortal politics before all of Seahaven falls to factional fighting and flames.

 

[Prince of Spires]

I like it (though I remember liking the one before as well, so there's that...)

Two things stand out to me. The first is that I'm missing a "now" after the sentence "Where once there were dozens of Mulcahy wizards". It's mentioned a sentence later that she's the last wizard. But the part after the coma doesn't really match with that "where once". Already an "alone" in there would make it flow better. Like she now keeps the city together alone against... or swap it with part of the next sentence. Like Where once there were dozens of Mulcahy wizards, she now is the last wizard standing... Something like that anyway.

The other is the sentence "Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a powerful fugitive from the realms of Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy."

To me this reads like she is harboring a fugitive, and the sidhe lords need her help to rescue the fugitive she is harboring. That doesn't make sense to me. If she's harboring the fugitive, then why is there a story there? Can't she just give them the fugitive? Why is there a need for a rescue?

 

[Finchbearer]

the book has been out for a while now, and I’m just curious as to why you’re re-writing it? Is it for marketing purposes as in you would like to increase sales? Or were you all just not very happy with the original one?

 

[Jackarandajam]

1. Winter Mulcahy is a wizard and a trauma surgeon with a hidden clinic in the heart of Seahaven, Washington. (100% interested)

2A. Where once there were dozens of Mulcahy wizards, (this feels like part of the previous sentence and doesn't quite click with the next bit... "where" suggests we're about to talk about seahaven, but the sentence goes on to talk about Winter. consider adding in 2B "she alone keeps the city..." to tie the sentence together)

2B. she keeps the city together against threats old and emergent by only the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her. (This is a really strong, tight character teaser. Consider "threats both old and" and nixing the word "only")

3. Holding this fragile line, she is the last wizard standing between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. (this information seems inverted. The "fragile line" is mentioned like we're already supposed to know what it is and then explained. Consider using this in place of 2A, "the last wizard standing between..., she keeps the city together against...")

4. Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a powerful fugitive from the realms of Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy. (this is alot, four new characters and a motorcycle, and i think the sidh lords both accusing her of harboring and asking for her help is a bit convoluted. Consider nixing the Harley to simplify the content and breaking this down to a simpler idea: maybe "after the arrival of a mysterious fugitive from the land of faerie, winter is approached... who need her help rescuing a crown prince" or something along those lines, as a reader this would make me suspect the two are related without spelling it out and pique my interest)

5. To maintain the city’s precarious balance of power, Winter must get to the truth of the kidnapping and this mysterious fugitive while also successfully navigating the deadly and deceptive waters of immortal politics before all of Seahaven falls to factional fighting and flames. (consider nixing "to maintain...power" since we've established she holds the line and the rest of the sentence does a much better job explaining the city's dodgy power balance and her place in it)

...

Gotta get around to reading your stuff, it sounds like alot of fun!

 

[A. E. Lowan]

the book has been out for a while now, and I’m just curious as to why you’re re-writing it? Is it for marketing purposes as in you would like to increase sales? Or were you all just not very happy with the original one?

It's all about increasing sales, in the long run. Everything else, be it hubris or art, is gravy. Some kind soul pointed out in passing that the blurb wasn't perfect and was actually missing some salient information that might attract readers, like her being a trauma surgeon. I come from a medical family. It honestly never occurred to me. And this is why pestering friends for their fresh eyes is so effective. Because you guys have been so very helpful!

 

[A. E. Lowan]

Gotta get around to reading your stuff, it sounds like alot of fun!

Oh, it is. Especially if you like complicated. And violent. And people making bad choices for the right reasons. And just bad choices. Also inclusion. Urban fantasy that's actually urban. Maybe a little bit of the end of the world... eventually.

And babies. Babies for daaaaaaaays!

 

[Finchbearer]

~~~
Winter Mulcahy is a wizard and a trauma surgeon with a hidden clinic in the heart of Seahaven, Washington. Where once there were dozens of Mulcahy wizards, she keeps the city together against threats old and emergent by only the skin of her teeth, the blood of her friends, and an addiction to stimulants that is slowly killing her. Holding this fragile line, she is the last wizard standing between the escalating violence in the preternatural population and total chaos. Winter is approached by a pair of sidhe lords on an old Harley bearing claim that she is harboring a powerful fugitive from the realms of Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.

To maintain the city’s precarious balance of power, Winter must get to the truth of the kidnapping and this mysterious fugitive while also successfully navigating the deadly and deceptive waters of immortal politics before all of Seahaven falls to factional fighting and flames.

I haven't yet read it, so as a potential reader looking at the blurb, here are a few things that I am questioning;

I am given the information that not only is the main character, Winter, a wizard but she’s (assuming she is a she) also a trauma surgeon. I am already wondering at how she can be both, or how they mix? Is the clinic magical, or purely medical? I don’t know how you could make those two pieces of information separate, or how you could answer my question in the blurb alone, but that’s my first thought.

She also keeps old and new threats at bay, so I have to assume that’s through her wizardry that she does that, but then I wonder at ‘the blood of her friends.’ I question whether this is through her friends literally fighting and shedding blood against these old and new threats, or whether there is some sort of blood letting going on; it is fantasy after all.

The fragile line is ‘the threads’ she is holding the city together with? I understand that. I understand the term preternatural, but I don’t often see it in fantasy blurbs.

The sidhe lords; I had to google the term ‘sidhe’ to find it’s an Irish folklore term for fairy. My image is that they share one Harley motorcycle? I wonder at why they share it. Are they conjoined?

This does get confusing for me to follow, ‘bearing claim that she is harboring a powerful fugitive from the realms of Faerie who holds a crown prince prisoner, and that they need her help to rescue the boy.’ Does this mean that she is hiding a criminal who is also holding his own prisoner, the crown prince? And these sidhe lords need her help to release the fugitive into their hands? This would need un-pretzeled for me to understand.

The last paragraph is doing a lot of heavy lifting on its own. And I wonder at how Winter can possibly be a trauma surgeon, wizard and handle a dangerous search for the truth. There’s a hook there (for me), but it’s precarious.

It might be that you hit on a stronger blurb earlier in the thread here.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

The last paragraph is doing a lot of heavy lifting on its own. And I wonder at how Winter can possibly be a trauma surgeon, wizard and handle a dangerous search for the truth. There’s a hook there (for me), but it’s precarious.

It might be that you hit on a stronger blurb earlier in the thread here.

This, in a nutshell. Winter's spirit animal. Also, the stimulants she's dosing herself with are serious business. And how magic and medicine work together is fairly simple and really not much of a stretch: they support and enhance each other. Think of how many skills you bring to the fore when you write. When I do it, it's History, Literary Criticism, Poetry, Research and Critical Thinking Skills, etc. I just channel grad school and we have it.