DragonOfTheAerie
Vala
I'm very new here and I've been posting lots of threads recently, but this one is a little different. i'd like to share some stuff that's been going on in my own personal writing journey, and I want to know if anyone feels the same as me. (Please tell me someone feels the same as me.)
Something you should know about me to give context: I'm very prone to anxiety. Sometimes it's just the tendency to obsess and worry, sometimes it's panic attacks and nausea so bad i can't eat. I'm a lot better at managing it than i used to be, which is a real blessing, but the tendency is always there. When i start to feel the symptoms i've learned to be attentive to--nausea, tight breathing, sweaty hands, fatigue--I can't do anything productive, least of all create.
I'm also very prone to perfectionism. I'm judgmental of everything i read, but i'm exponentially more judgmental of everything i write. I've been told my entire life what an *awesome* writer I am. My ego has been relentlessly inflated. You'd think this would be good for my self-esteem, but it's not. Whenever I write something, i judge it next to every other thing i've written. I think about what all the people who have praised me would think. I ask myself if this new thing i have written is as *awesome* as people think my writing is.
I've been working on my work in progress since i was 12. Drafting, redrafting, world-building. Character interviews, dragon species profiles, maps. It's evolved and expanded over the years, and i'm deeply committed to it because the core of the story speaks to my inmost being, and i know it can become something breathtaking. It's my Magnum Opus, and i love it VERY much. Maybe a little too much. My dreams are impossibly huge and my expectations are impossibly high. I have so many great ideas that i think are far better than anything i've ever read, but still i find a way to judge them. Still i keep on looking for ideas that are EVEN MORE great than the ones i already have. In fact, i've spent so long dreaming about my ideas that i'm actually quite afraid to set them on paper. I'm afraid they won't live up to my own standards. I feel like THIS book, the Magnum Opus, has to be BETTER than everything i've ever written. Or at least as good. Better than everything i've ever read. I'm frightened of making the mistakes i notice and judge in others' books.
You see, when i started writing a novel at 12, i had no idea how to write a story, no idea if anything i wrote was any good. My first attempt was somewhere in between a mess and a disaster. i couldn't care less. But things changed later. I realized that i could make a career out of writing and that i could make these ideas and characters i had into a masterpiece. I was growing my skills, too, and i realized that i could write and write seriously well.
Now, i've been blocked on my current work-in-progress--yes, that same book i began as a preteen--for about 1.5 years. 1.5 years means hundreds of pages of notes and outlines. 1.5 years means dozens of hours spent brainstorming, meditating, despairing and outright sobbing. I didn't even know it was possible to have writer's block for that long. And people typically don't. They think of the idea that's been eluding them and they move on. I've had writer's block. This is not writer's block.
Several fears are eating me inside, shutting down the passion i used to have for this book. 1) the fear that my book is not, and never will be, good enough. 2) The fear that the passion to write will never come back. 3) The fear that this book will never be written. That it's not "the one". This is most paralyzing of all. This book has been with me through so many changes in my life. I've devoted so much time to it. The idea that i may not be able to write it, that it's destined to never be read, is terrifying to me.
I keep hearing the advice, "Just write. Don't worry about that others think. It's okay to make mistakes." And i try. I fight the voices, hard. I set goals, i make deadlines, i try all kinds of methods to dominate the fear. But whenever i sit down--butt in chair, as we've all heard--i feel crushing dread. I feel that all too familiar fatigue, that nausea, that tight feeling. Lots of things can trigger my anxiety but this time it's writing.
Now, anxiety MURDERS creativity. Squeezes the life right out of it. Perfectionism is the same way. Together they are killing my book. I know i can write a book because i've done it. Not just once but several times.
I joined this forum partly to get help with my ideas. But my ideas are just fine. I don't need new ones or better ones. I need to write the ones I have, because they are GOOD ideas. But--this is sucking the passion out of me. I don't feel excited when i think about my ideas. This scares me. What if it doesn't come back? Not being able to write this book kills me inside because i love it, and i'm committed.
Sorry this was so long--so, In conclusion. Has anyone ever felt this way? More importantly, has anyone ever been able to beat it? Is it important to feel passionate about my ideas? What should i do to help myself and the story i'm writing?
Something you should know about me to give context: I'm very prone to anxiety. Sometimes it's just the tendency to obsess and worry, sometimes it's panic attacks and nausea so bad i can't eat. I'm a lot better at managing it than i used to be, which is a real blessing, but the tendency is always there. When i start to feel the symptoms i've learned to be attentive to--nausea, tight breathing, sweaty hands, fatigue--I can't do anything productive, least of all create.
I'm also very prone to perfectionism. I'm judgmental of everything i read, but i'm exponentially more judgmental of everything i write. I've been told my entire life what an *awesome* writer I am. My ego has been relentlessly inflated. You'd think this would be good for my self-esteem, but it's not. Whenever I write something, i judge it next to every other thing i've written. I think about what all the people who have praised me would think. I ask myself if this new thing i have written is as *awesome* as people think my writing is.
I've been working on my work in progress since i was 12. Drafting, redrafting, world-building. Character interviews, dragon species profiles, maps. It's evolved and expanded over the years, and i'm deeply committed to it because the core of the story speaks to my inmost being, and i know it can become something breathtaking. It's my Magnum Opus, and i love it VERY much. Maybe a little too much. My dreams are impossibly huge and my expectations are impossibly high. I have so many great ideas that i think are far better than anything i've ever read, but still i find a way to judge them. Still i keep on looking for ideas that are EVEN MORE great than the ones i already have. In fact, i've spent so long dreaming about my ideas that i'm actually quite afraid to set them on paper. I'm afraid they won't live up to my own standards. I feel like THIS book, the Magnum Opus, has to be BETTER than everything i've ever written. Or at least as good. Better than everything i've ever read. I'm frightened of making the mistakes i notice and judge in others' books.
You see, when i started writing a novel at 12, i had no idea how to write a story, no idea if anything i wrote was any good. My first attempt was somewhere in between a mess and a disaster. i couldn't care less. But things changed later. I realized that i could make a career out of writing and that i could make these ideas and characters i had into a masterpiece. I was growing my skills, too, and i realized that i could write and write seriously well.
Now, i've been blocked on my current work-in-progress--yes, that same book i began as a preteen--for about 1.5 years. 1.5 years means hundreds of pages of notes and outlines. 1.5 years means dozens of hours spent brainstorming, meditating, despairing and outright sobbing. I didn't even know it was possible to have writer's block for that long. And people typically don't. They think of the idea that's been eluding them and they move on. I've had writer's block. This is not writer's block.
Several fears are eating me inside, shutting down the passion i used to have for this book. 1) the fear that my book is not, and never will be, good enough. 2) The fear that the passion to write will never come back. 3) The fear that this book will never be written. That it's not "the one". This is most paralyzing of all. This book has been with me through so many changes in my life. I've devoted so much time to it. The idea that i may not be able to write it, that it's destined to never be read, is terrifying to me.
I keep hearing the advice, "Just write. Don't worry about that others think. It's okay to make mistakes." And i try. I fight the voices, hard. I set goals, i make deadlines, i try all kinds of methods to dominate the fear. But whenever i sit down--butt in chair, as we've all heard--i feel crushing dread. I feel that all too familiar fatigue, that nausea, that tight feeling. Lots of things can trigger my anxiety but this time it's writing.
Now, anxiety MURDERS creativity. Squeezes the life right out of it. Perfectionism is the same way. Together they are killing my book. I know i can write a book because i've done it. Not just once but several times.
I joined this forum partly to get help with my ideas. But my ideas are just fine. I don't need new ones or better ones. I need to write the ones I have, because they are GOOD ideas. But--this is sucking the passion out of me. I don't feel excited when i think about my ideas. This scares me. What if it doesn't come back? Not being able to write this book kills me inside because i love it, and i'm committed.
Sorry this was so long--so, In conclusion. Has anyone ever felt this way? More importantly, has anyone ever been able to beat it? Is it important to feel passionate about my ideas? What should i do to help myself and the story i'm writing?