Don't tell me, Show me :)

[Caged Maiden]

Hey guys, I'd love a little help with a passage. I'm editing right now, taking a novel from first draft into what I hope will qualify as a much more finished and professional second draft. I know you've done a lot of these, but I really would love another example of how to do it in a scene change type situation. Okay, so the set-up...

Raven and her companions have escaped an occupied town, almost died, and have journeyed to find their friend, an elf, in his home. What I'm trying to accomplish, is the magnificence of a magical place, and the way to describe it by a first time viewer (Raven), who is in awe of magic. I think sometimes, where I have personal experience with things, I can easily fill in the details, but here, I struggled to find the right way to do it, so I'll post my original sucky one, and see if you all can't help open my eyes a little. This is one of those sort of placeholder descriptions, where you say, give the dimensions of room and mention three things in it, but nothing stands out or is really interesting, until you go back and make it so.

Okay, here's the first draft passage in need of editing:

Raven was in awe of the elf town as they got closer. She had never seen anything like it, nor could she have imagined anything so wonderful. The city was lit by lamps that glowed with a blue-green light, illuminating not only the ground, but also the wooden walkways that spanned between the ancient trees.
“Oh,” she breathed, “how magnificent.”
“Our town has been here many centuries,” Caraliel said, “we build our houses to blend with the natural forest.”

The center of town was a large circle, paved with flat stones, with a grand stone pool in the center. The whole area was so well-lit that elves sat on benches talking or walked around the paved stone circle, though it was surely almost midnight.
Caraliel led the way past the town center and opened the door to a beautiful house, one story, with a lovely little front garden and a small split-rail fence. There were several chimneys smoking, and light coming from within.
Upon entering, Raven saw that the inside was both luxurious and comfortable. It was warm, and the walls were covered with wood paneling. Weavings, paintings and tapestries decorated the entryway, making it feel comfortable and inviting.

 

[BWFoster78]

How about something like this:

Caraliel held her hand toward the forest. "Behold our wonderful city. Isn't it magnificent?"

At first glance, Raven didn't understand. Is the elf kidding? As she opened her mouth to protest, she noticed blue-green glows coming from the trees. She squinted her eyes.

A whole new world came into focus. Trees became towers of living quarters that stretched to the sky. Vines and limbs became bridges connecting a city in the heights.

Each element, each detail, fit naturally into the environment. Doors appeared to have grown into bark. Places where leaves rested against trunks turned out to be tinted windows.

 

[Aosto]

I like the imagery, but don't feel immersed in it. It feels like raven is telling us what she saw. I can't place myself in the scene. I am on my mobile so it's hard to offer up a suggestion. Let me try

Raben's eyes widened at the sight of the city. Blue-green lamps illuminated the ancient trees with walkways built between them.
"it's breathtaken" she said, letting her jaw drop.
"thank you. We try to blend with nature."

Caralile led them through the town center. A grand pool sat in the middle of a large paved circle. It was nearly midnight but the circle was alive with chatter. Light danced off the pool water letting off a shimmer of brilliant colors.
They approached a beautiful one story home. The smoking chimney gave off a smell of freshly baked bread. The garden was full of vegetables and exotic plants guarded by a split-rail fence.
They pushed past the heavy wood door and found the inside to be as equally breathtaking. The walls were adorned with paintings and tapestries making it feel warm and inviting. Raven felt comfortable here, she felt at home amongst the peaceful decor.

Best I could do.

 

[Caged Maiden]

@BW I love that idea. You know how sometimes you can picture it in your head, and you are imagining something beyond words, but then when you write it in haste, all you end up with is static descriptions, dimensions, and perhaps one thing that stands out. I'm going to work on this today (among other things) and I'll post what I end up with! THANKS.

 

[Butterfly]

I want to see more of the trees, the overhanging branches, colour of leaves, rustle in the wind. The way the light bounces from the stones and the water, and the walls of the houses.

And to hear the sounds of the animals in the forests - birds, foxes, wolves, owls... anything else you can add to the list? Think about the creak of the platforms as they walk along them, the distance of nothing but air below, the creak of the trees as if they were talking to each other.

Do your elves sing, or play any instruments, perhaps someone is laughing, or dancing?

I think the paved area could be better described as a concentric rings of stone and benches moving out from the round pool.

(I'm just trying to give you some ideas to work from... any good?)

 

[Devor]

Okay.

The worst offender, when it comes to showing vs. telling, is when the telling happens in dialogue and the reader isn't shown what the characters are talking about. People hate that, but I think you're doing that here.

I'm not going to rewrite you, but just dropping and rearranging a few of your sentences, I think you'd have something much stronger:

Raven was in awe of the elf town as they got closer. Houses blended with the natural forest. The city was lit by lamps that glowed with a blue-green light, illuminating not only the ground, but also the wooden walkways that spanned between the ancient trees.

“Oh,” she breathed.

“Our town has been here many centuries,” Caraliel said.

As to the rest of the description, Raven is supposed to be interacting with your setting, but you don't see enough of that from your description. Again, I don't want to rewrite you, but just by adding a few more references to your POV character, I think this section can be much stronger.

The center of town was a large circle, paved with flat stones, and Raven took note of a grand stone pool in the center. The whole area was so well-lit that elves sat on benches talking or walked around the paved stone circle, though it was surely almost midnight.

She followed as Caraliel led the way past the town center and opened the door to a beautiful house, one story, with a little front garden and a small split-rail fence which Raven found to be lovely. There were several chimneys smoking, and light coming from within.

Your last paragraph, just two sentences, has a lot of minor issues, like repetition, that you can probably see for yourself. You've buried the imagery behind the "telling" reactions, making those reactions feel forced: Upon entering, she was warm and comfortable . . . . but that's before we've even seen the room that makes her feel that way. If you've got a sentence that tells, I think as a rule of thumb it should be your "easy" segue, either the last sentence in the paragraph of the thing you've shown or the first sentence of the next one. I'm going to give you a full line edit with minor rewrites for that paragraph and hope that it helps you to focus on these issues.

As she entered, Raven felt invited by the weavings, paintings and tapestries that decorated the inside of the entryway. It was warm inside, and the walls were covered with a wood paneling that made her feel comfortable and at home.

You could also take a moment to show us what's portrayed on the weavings, paintings and tapestries as a great opportunity to show readers about the home and the people without torturing us with lengthy histories.

 

[Caged Maiden]

Thanks Devor. All good suggestions. Ordinarily, I'd edit before posting something, but I did a really rough one to illustrate some of the points that people comment on. I do see them, but was interested in what sorts of things other people do first, and how they maximize impact when creating a new scene. Thanks for your advice. i'll keep it all in mind as I edit this passage today!

 

[Caged Maiden]

Thanks for the help, guys, I wanted to post the edited section for your perusal. Feel free to comment if something sticks out. you've already been an amazing help!

___________________________________

An hour later, Caraliel finally stopped. “Welcome to Torahblum, home of the elf king and his people.”

Raven blinked. Was the elf mad, she wondered. And just as she was considering the possibility that Jarren had led them on a wild goose chase, the winter wrought forest before her melted away in a shimmering haziness, as though looking through a rain-beaten glass pane.

Like a fawn in the grass, the elf town was revealed, if she searched carefully with her eyes. Nestled high in the leafless trees, were walkways, some spanning several yards, connecting one domicile to another, through an interconnected network of rope and board bridges. The houses themselves, some high up in the treetops, and others planted firmly on the ground, appeared wooden, with shingle roofs.

It would take a thousand books to describe the beauty of the elf town. Eerie blue-green lights, shining from hammered copper lanterns, illuminated the darkening forest, defining the road before their feet, and the footpaths in the ancient trees.

Raven took hold of Logan’s hand as she walked behind the elf woman, giving it a squeeze in her excitement.

“Our town has been here many centuries,” Caraliel said. “We build our houses to blend with the natural forest, and try not to disturb the beauty around us.”

Raven was about to remark on the success of their venture, when Jarren spoke up instead, interrupting her thoughts.

“We are road weary, Caraliel, and carry with us a message for Leomere. Will your lady mind terribly if we awaited his return here? I’d rest easier within the sanctity of your magical wards.”

“We prepared for your arrival, Jarren,” the elf said with a smile. “Rooms have been made up for you. The wisps are not simply to frighten outsiders, they are spirits who tell us who has entered our forest.”

“Of course, “Jarren said. Raven didn’t miss the sheepish expression on his face as he followed Caraliel, stepping carefully around a mud puddle in the dirt path.

They neared a cobblestone square, or circle, rather, lined with carved stone benches sporting gracefully cut flower motifs.

A grand pool in the middle of the courtyard, encased in a stone circle, shimmered in the dancing lights of the lanterns,
reflecting the wondrous colors of ribbon-strewn wreaths hung from every possible surface, tree or post.

Two squirrels, fighting over an acorn, darted across one of the benches, chattering and squeaking. Raven stifled a laugh, letting go of Logan’s hand to cover her mouth.

“I’d never have pictured this in my wildest fantasies,” she said, low enough for only Logan’s ears. “By Jarren’s descriptions, I envisioned a bunch of huts in the woods.”

He winked. “I knew what to expect. I’ve seen his drawings.”

“Jarren drew the elf town?”

“He draws all sorts of things, like the book in your room.”

My room, she wondered. Then, she recalled the skillfully illustrated journal she’d read in the lodge. My room, she thought, smiling as broadly as she ever had. Logan couldn’t possibly know how hearing those words warmed her heart. Ownership transferred to her for such a small thing, but it meant the world; acceptance, companionship, and a home.

She wrapped her arm around his waist, tucking her thumb into his belt to hang on, as they followed the elf woman into a neat little cottage sitting above a wily river. The constant gush of water gurgling below, echoed, joining crickets in their songs, and frogs’ croaks. A great symphony only heard near the water’s edge, like the pond from Raven’s youth.

“Please make yourselves at home,” Caraliel said, holding the door open. “I’ll send one of the boys to see to your horse.”

Jarren thanked the elf again, and as soon as a handful of maids appeared, Caraliel left the travelers to rest, saying she would see them in the morning when they dined with Murdariel.

Raven’s maid, an older woman with a messy gray bun and arms thick as a sailor’s, practically shoved her down the hallway past tapestries and paintings of woodland scenes, until they entered a small dim room with a north-facing window, and a fur blanket upon the only piece of furniture worth noting.

A bed. If nothing else had existed in the whole forest, Raven couldn’t have cared less. She dropped her backpack to the ground without remorse and flopped on the bed, unconcerned with how rude it might appear. She closed her eyes.

Even the scent of the shaggy cow-hide blanket smelled like luxury to her, after days of camping, huddled under a cloak between Jarren and Logan. Raven spread out her arms and legs, taking up as much space as possible.

Someone else entered the room then, and Raven’s eyes flew open as a new scent tickled her nose. Food. Okay, a bed, and food, she thought. Those were the only two things that mattered.