seeking positive affirmation - my world

[sashamerideth]

Umm, not sure how to start but I like my world idea and story but I don't know if anyone else would want to read it if I can get it even past rough draft... anyhow... getting this out may help me get a few things straight, and get me past the writer's block I am suffering.

My main world has only Humans, some with what they consider magic but is really a genetically and technological evolution of psychokinesis(sp?) put in place by the first people on the planet, genetically engineered humans, immortal so long as they remain within the colony ship. The genetic manipulations and technology were made invisible to the colonists that decided to create their society outside the ship.

The world that my MC is in appears to be on the cusp of an industrial revolution, with steam power taking over manufacturing tasks. The civilization has been stagnant, kept in a pre-industrialized state by the same invisible technologies that made what is called magic possible.

My MC is an exile from another planet, sharing orbit with this one, also colonists but normal people. They did not leave behind technology and did not stagnate, but are evolving true psychokinenistic abilities as well as other interesting psychic powers. My MC has DNA that says he carriers mutations but has shown no abilities but there is a purge of all those that show signs of these evolutionary anomalies.

I am having a bit of trouble as to why people with access to technology far advanced of ours would do without. Maybe a falling out, expulsion, or I don't know what. Any ideas? Is this sounding all too complex? Do I stand any chance with a fantasy/science fiction hybrid?

 

[Donny Bruso]

I'm going to start poking holes in your world, since you asked for feedback. I'm not doing this to be rude or malicious, I'm trying to show you what I think the weak points in your premise are. No offense intended.

First the questions you asked at the end, about why people with access to advanced technology would do without. There are various people around the world who believe that returning to a 'simpler' life is what the world needs, say the 17th century or so. Given their choice they would grow their own food, make their own clothes, and so on. Some of them do it for the environment, some of them do it for personal satisfaction, but they all have reasons. Religion could be another. Maybe you have a passenger on the colony ship who doesn't like the planet they've come to. So he starts decrying the evils of technology, people fall in with him, and it all goes downhill form there.

Second, your premises all sound somewhat familiar. A civilization kept technologically stagnant is reminiscent of Card's Memory of Earth series, or at least the beginning of it, before it got well and truly weird. Telekinesis is reminiscent of Star Wars, or course, and the Force. I'm sure there are other places it has been used, but that's the main reference that springs to mind when someone uses to word around me.

I'm not saying that you can't use the ideas because someone else has, of course. If that were true none of us would be writing anything. I'm just saying be careful how you do use them, so you aren't overlapping with them. We all want to create something original, after all.

I'm also curious how your invisible genetic manipulations are later showing up in the main character's DNA. Also, why wouldn't the people who engineered these manipulations have given them to everyone? Seems massively unfair that some of the population get it and and some don't. Especially the part about genetically engineered immortality.

Anyway, you asked for feedback, so there's my two cents. I hope some of my rambling has helped you somewhat.

Cheers.

 

[Ravana]

Roger Zelazny, Lord of Light. Apart from the second planet, the situation is nearly identical to yours. (In his case, the technology is being jealously restricted by a small elite so that they can maintain their power and "guide" the world along lines of their choosing.)

The novel won a Hugo… so I'd have to say the basic premise could work, yeah. It did in 1968, at least.

 

[sashamerideth]

To all, thanks for the feedback so far, and you have added to my reading list. I don't know if I want to go for uniqueness or a soft familiarity. Sometimes I like an interesting and provocative read, other times it is nice to read something from a kind of world that I am already familiar with.

I will do some thinking and come back to you with responses to the things that may be wrong with my story and maybe more detail that I left out of my synopsis above. I am still writing my first draft so it is not too late to completely rewrite it to be better.

 

[sashamerideth]

After doing some thinking, I've modified things a bit, and my responses reflect those new modifications, just need to work them in to the story now.

I'm going to start poking holes in your world, since you asked for feedback. I'm not doing this to be rude or malicious, I'm trying to show you what I think the weak points in your premise are. No offense intended.

Perfect, just what I am after. Once I have something I am happy with I may share it here so it can be viciously brutalized and torn to tatters. Hopefully I will be in tears by the time people are done with it.

First the questions you asked at the end, about why people with access to advanced technology would do without. There are various people around the world who believe that returning to a 'simpler' life is what the world needs, say the 17th century or so. Given their choice they would grow their own food, make their own clothes, and so on. Some of them do it for the environment, some of them do it for personal satisfaction, but they all have reasons. Religion could be another. Maybe you have a passenger on the colony ship who doesn't like the planet they've come to. So he starts decrying the evils of technology, people fall in with him, and it all goes downhill form there.

The part I have bolded, I think I will go down that route. Here's what I am thinking. These people have been holed up in this ship, unable to die, for something like five hundred years or more. Some don't want to die, and some are ready to leave the confines of their ship, knowing full well that once they leave, they will have only fifty years left to live, if they don't get sick, hurt, eaten, etc. first. Those that leave, start their own civilization with only enough technology to make things easy for them. My story takes place maybe a thousand years after the initial landing. History got twisted, and the ones remaining on the ship are revered by some as Gods/Devils, and interfere, sometimes to help, more often to hurt.

Second, your premises all sound somewhat familiar. A civilization kept technologically stagnant is reminiscent of Card's Memory of Earth series, or at least the beginning of it, before it got well and truly weird. Telekinesis is reminiscent of Star Wars, or course, and the Force. I'm sure there are other places it has been used, but that's the main reference that springs to mind when someone uses to word around me.

Well, a few books to read, I want this to have a strong science fiction twang to it, but a sheen of fantasy over the top of it. It's happening on another planet with alternative evolution, in our future. The people, are people I don't have any heroes, just people trying to get by.

...CHOP...

I'm also curious how your invisible genetic manipulations are later showing up in the main character's DNA. Also, why wouldn't the people who engineered these manipulations have given them to everyone? Seems massively unfair that some of the population get it and and some don't. Especially the part about genetically engineered immortality.

I may not have written this segment out very well. My MC is from another colony, separate planet, with a history all their own, and free from any genetic engineering. It is more a natural evolution, but yielding results undesired by the majority of the population, resulting in the start of a genetic cleansing (kinda stole this from X-Men). This is what he and the group he is with are fleeing from. He has markers, but no abilities. His companions can read minds, alter perceptions, etc. and are not only being chased because of their markers, but are also wanted for kidnapping, assault, and murder, including the killing of Police Officers.

The people that he is amongst, they are the ones with manipulated genes, but through actions of those still inside the colony ship, and making the manipulations recessive genetic traits, not many of the population carry the genes required. Those that do are either ignorant of the fact or untrained in their use, like the precision a surgeon needs with a scalpel. Every now and then, the occupants of the colony ship will give someone extreme abilities, coupled with technology, and watch the havoc they create for sheer entertainment.

Anyway, you asked for feedback, so there's my two cents. I hope some of my rambling has helped you somewhat.

Cheers.

 

[drkpyn]

I think Ravana hit the nail on the head. I recently read Lord of Light and it was all that I could think about while reading your descriptions. You should definitely check it out and compare the similarities, but also just enjoy it because it's a great novel.

 

[sashamerideth]

Got my ereader mojo on, and am 10% through Lord of Light. So far, interesting story, but a few notable differences.

First, no reincarnation, once you are dead, you are dead and there is nothing in my science to counteract that.

Second, there was no intelligent life on the planet before my colonists got there. Have put current story on the back burner and am working on the stories of earlier colonists. Ex thought they were better than my current work, so working on them right now.

Third, no trace of earth religion on my planet, yet.