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Creating A Good "Hook"

Ireth

Myth Weaver
Hoe do you craft your beginnings to hook your readers and reel them into your story? I'm having trouble with this in my novel Winter's Queen, which I had thought finished, but apparently it still needs a lot of work. I've received feedback from both agents and members of this site that the first scene doesn't hook them. I myself really like the scene in question, because it shows the heroine and her father in their normal, happy lives, with hints of lurking darkness around the corners, before said heroine gets kidnapped.

I've since tried to revise the scene three times, and each time I like it less and less. The first time or two, I tried to weld a hook onto the first couple of paragraphs, which to me felt clunky and artificial, and not quite fitting with the tone of the later subject matter. The third (still incomplete) revision is a total rewrite, with a much grimmer tone and a definite sense of danger. I like that one least of all, despite it being appealing to a beta reader, because it basically consists of an almost-argument between the heroine and her father on whether she's allowed to go out at night on Halloween when the Fae are abroad, and why she legitimately shouldn't go. Aside from the fact that Ariel has good reason NOT to go out, and I NEED her to for the plot to work (so having her father talk her into staying home is a bad idea), I want the father/daughter relationship to be shown in a happy light before the poo hits the fan in the following scene. In light of this, I have no idea what to do: go with a beginning I personally hate but others like, or stay true to my original vision as much as possible?

For those interested in reading the scene in question, it's here: http://mythicscribes.com/forums/showcase/4848-rethinking-my-opening-scene.html
 

BWFoster78

Myth Weaver
My advice is to keep working until you come up with something that both you and the beta readers like. Really examine why you don't like their suggestions.

Their end is pretty easy to understand. Give them tension, emotion, and a hook, and they'll be fine with everything else.

I get you. You need for her to go out, but there's no good reason for her to.

You have to create a compelling reason for her to go out. It must be strong enough to overwhelm the reasons not to go and be something that she must hide from her father.

You can also have her sneak out of the house, thus avoiding the confrontation with her father. This gives you the chance to create the tension of the possibility of getting caught.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
You have to create a compelling reason for her to go out. It must be strong enough to overwhelm the reasons not to go and be something that she must hide from her father.

One of the other reasons I dislike the third revision is because it puts a different level of trust between Vincent and Ariel. In the first versions of the scene, Vincent trusts Ariel to stick with her friends when she goes out, to be back home before midnight, and to defend herself against the Fae if necessary. In the third, it seems like he doesn't trust her nearly as much, and she has to defend her desire to go out. Having her hide something from him would weaken that trust even more, which I don't want, because when the Fae finds her in the very next scene she immediately puts her trust in her father to save her, and after she's kidnapped she still hopes he'll find her even while she does her best to escape on her own.

You can also have her sneak out of the house, thus avoiding the confrontation with her father. This gives you the chance to create the tension of the possibility of getting caught.

I'm not sure I like that idea so much. Ariel loves her father dearly, and would not willingly do anything to break his trust in her. The fact that she inadvertently "breaks curfew" by not being home before midnight is the fault of her kidnapper and no one else -- she is on her way home well before 12 when she's waylaid by her kidnapper and taken into Faerie. Besides, I'm sure Vincent would notice long before midnight that his daughter has sneaked out, and he'd be well on his way to find her again before the kidnapper shows up, which would again break the whole plot if her father finds her before the kidnapper does.
 

BWFoster78

Myth Weaver
One of the other reasons I dislike the third revision is because it puts a different level of trust between Vincent and Ariel. In the first versions of the scene, Vincent trusts Ariel to stick with her friends when she goes out, to be back home before midnight, and to defend herself against the Fae if necessary. In the third, it seems like he doesn't trust her nearly as much, and she has to defend her desire to go out. Having her hide something from him would weaken that trust even more, which I don't want, because when the Fae finds her in the very next scene she immediately puts her trust in her father to save her, and after she's kidnapped she still hopes he'll find her even while she does her best to escape on her own.

Hmmm. I get what you're saying. My first thought is that there is a natural tendency of the parent/child relationship to develop into "you're too young/it's not safe" on the parent's part and "I'm old enough" as the child seeks to establish their independence. However, if you don't want to go there, I understand.

How about something like: Vincent's birthday/Christmas/Some Major Gift Giving Occasion is approaching. Ariel has a line on the PERFECT gift. The only problem: she HAS to get it now. If she doesn't go out tonight, the opportunity is lost. This strengthens the concept of her love for him while providing a plausible reason for her hiding her actions.

That may not be a great concept for you, but I think the idea is sound. There are surely ways to create a situation where she needs to leave the house but can't tell her father about it without destroying trust.

Does that help any?
 
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Ireth

Myth Weaver
Hmmm. I get what you're saying. My first thought is that there is a natural tendency of the parent/child relationship to develop into "you're too young/it's not safe" on the parent's part and "I'm old enough" as the child seeks to establish their independence. However, if you don't want to go there, I understand.

How about something like: Vincent's birthday/Christmas/Some Major Gift Giving Occasion is approaching. Ariel has a line on the PERFECT gift. The only problem: she HAS to get it now. If she doesn't go out tonight, the opportunity is lost. This strengthens the concept of her love for him while providing a plausible reason for her hiding her actions.

That may not be a great concept for you, but I think the idea is sound. There are surely ways to create a situation where she needs to leave the house but can't tell her father about it without destroying trust.

Does that help any?

I like that idea, though I'm not certain it would work. I deliberately picked Halloween as the date for Ariel's kidnapping for two reasons: a) because that is the day the Unseelie or "evil" Fae come into power, and all sorts of nasty things are said to go out among mortals on that night, so having her be trick or treating presents a natural excuse for her to go out and get kidnapped by the Unseelie prince; and b) it's expected of her to dress in a costume, and having her go out as a princess would give the kidnapper even more reason to want her for his bride, since he can see what a good princess she'd make for him. Plus it gives Vincent and his brother the maximum possible time limit to get into Faerie, find Ariel and bring her home before her intended wedding date to the prince, on the Winter Solstice. As to your other point, Vincent's birthday is on the 5th of November, which would make Halloween an okay day for Ariel to buy his present, but she'd have to go out in the daytime for that, and the Fae largely prefer twilight and night.
 

Guru Coyote

Archmage
If you like your first version of the scene the best... maybe you should not change it, but rather find another scene to hook the reader with. I might try to describe the future kidnapper peering in through the windows and being witness to the very scene you had originally written.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
If you like your first version of the scene the best... maybe you should not change it, but rather find another scene to hook the reader with. I might try to describe the future kidnapper peering in through the windows and being witness to the very scene you had originally written.

That's a possibility, though it might seem odd to begin with the villain's POV and then never have it show up again. I'd have to be VERY careful about writing that, since I don't want the full extent of his motivations known until the climax, when Ariel figures it out for herself, and Fiachra really is the type to gloat to himself about his evil plans of evilness. (Smug bastard.) Though I admit, having him hide outside the living room window and then invisibly follow her the whole way as she goes trick or treating would be super-creepy... but it might not work if Vincent, knowing about the Fae as he does, has things in place around the house to prevent them from entering (iron, rowan wood, etc.), which is very likely.
 
Vincent's birthday is on the 5th of November, which would make Halloween an okay day for Ariel to buy his present, but she'd have to go out in the daytime for that, and the Fae largely prefer twilight and night.

It's always possible the Perfect Present is a unique item she's seen that, for various reasons, becomes available at night. Maybe it's in a going-out-of-business sale and she can't afford it, but she finds out that the owner is still closing down the shop at night and hasn't sold it, and she just might be able to catch him and bargain before he leaves town.

Or, once she's outside, there are all sorts of things that can make that more dangerous than it should be, and do it by supenseful degrees. Her watch could break so she loses track of the time. Her friends could start some dangerous prank or dare and she leaves them for safety's sake.

--Still, these are mostly ways to build slowly rather than have a high-powered hook right off, and that may be part of what you want. One way to get that is to raise the curtain right at the moment that the ordinary back and forth happens to mention something that could be ominous, or an Odd Reaction someone has to things, when it has that extra focus of being the first paragraphs. Or the start could be some mostly-unrelated conflict or struggle, even a petty "is the right toy going to slip out of the arcade Crane Game's crane, or...", whatever you can deliver a brief thrill out of. Or there's always the monster's-viewpoint prologue, just ignore regular viewpoint for one sinister page because it's the very start and called a prologue.

I think it's all about focus, either finding what moment you can mess with or which thing is right if you zero in on it.
 

Jared

Scribe
Hoe do you craft your beginnings to hook your readers and reel them into your story? I'm having trouble with this in my novel Winter's Queen, which I had thought finished, but apparently it still needs a lot of work. I've received feedback from both agents and members of this site that the first scene doesn't hook them. I myself really like the scene in question, because it shows the heroine and her father in their normal, happy lives, with hints of lurking darkness around the corners, before said heroine gets kidnapped.

Do you like it because you know what happens next? If so, readers don't have that perspective.

I read the link and agree that there's no strong hook. Any tension of her going out without an adult is being diffused (for me) by the laughing and joking, and them agreeing that he's an overcautious widower.


I've since tried to revise the scene three times, and each time I like it less and less.

Instead of revising it, what happens if you ditch it completely? What's the next scene?


That's a possibility, though it might seem odd to begin with the villain's POV and then never have it show up again.

I don't know how you feel about it...but that's one of the uses of a prologue. The first few chapters should be in the POV of the main POVs, since readers will start to attach themselves to those characters. But readers (that won't put a book down because of a prologue) do tend to accept a one-shot non-main-POV POV. Epic more than urban fantasy, but still. Something to consider.
 

Shockley

Maester
Without knowing what's there, this is the advice I always use - cut to the action. If something has to be mentioned, go for it - if not, cut right to the first mandatory scene.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
It's always possible the Perfect Present is a unique item she's seen that, for various reasons, becomes available at night. Maybe it's in a going-out-of-business sale and she can't afford it, but she finds out that the owner is still closing down the shop at night and hasn't sold it, and she just might be able to catch him and bargain before he leaves town.

Hmm... possibly. :)

Or, once she's outside, there are all sorts of things that can make that more dangerous than it should be, and do it by supenseful degrees. Her watch could break so she loses track of the time. Her friends could start some dangerous prank or dare and she leaves them for safety's sake.

Already thought of something like that. :) She winds up alone because her friends leave her, she assumes for a prank, and when they don't show up she heads homeward on her own. Then the kidnapper shows up to snatch her away. Having her wear a watch which breaks is kind of pointless, because she has a cellphone on her, which she uses to call her father while fleeing the kidnapper, tipping Vincent off that he needs to get out there and save her NOW. Unfortunately, he gets there about half a minute too late.

--Still, these are mostly ways to build slowly rather than have a high-powered hook right off, and that may be part of what you want. One way to get that is to raise the curtain right at the moment that the ordinary back and forth happens to mention something that could be ominous, or an Odd Reaction someone has to things, when it has that extra focus of being the first paragraphs. Or the start could be some mostly-unrelated conflict or struggle, even a petty "is the right toy going to slip out of the arcade Crane Game's crane, or...", whatever you can deliver a brief thrill out of. Or there's always the monster's-viewpoint prologue, just ignore regular viewpoint for one sinister page because it's the very start and called a prologue.

I think it's all about focus, either finding what moment you can mess with or which thing is right if you zero in on it.

I tried the first suggestion already -- Vincent mentions that there are "more than just trick-or-treaters out there" not long into the opening scene, which tips the reader off that there's danger awaiting Ariel if she goes out. Tried the second idea as well, with a "zombie" showing up on Vincent's porch in the first paragraph, and it fell flat, IMO. Didn't feel like the right kind of hook to start the story with. I've considered the prologue idea, but as I said above in reply to Guru Coyote, it would be VERY hard to write from the villain's POV without spilling his entire motivation on the first page, which is something I want to avoid so Ariel can figure it out for herself.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
Without knowing what's there, this is the advice I always use - cut to the action. If something has to be mentioned, go for it - if not, cut right to the first mandatory scene.

If you'd like to read the scene and the first revisions as well as the feedback offered, see the link at the bottom of my first post. :)
 

Shockley

Maester
To be honest, I'd cut out the entire scene leading up to him putting on his Halloween costume. Even without that, you still show that they have a close relationship, he's a concerned parent, etc.

Edit: In addition, that would cut you right to the ominous talk about what's outside, and the dangers of autumn/winter. Though I'd revise that entire scene, since she should already know that it's dangerous outside.

Second Edit: In fact, the more I think about it the more I am inclined to suggest cutting out this entire chapter. Cut it right to the point where he finds out that she's been kidnapped - you can express plenty about his character, the dangers of the world, etc. while immediately providing a dangerous, interesting world for the reader to jump into.
 
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Butterfly

Auror
Having her wear a watch which breaks is kind of pointless, because she has a cellphone on her, which she uses to call her father while fleeing the kidnapper, tipping Vincent off that he needs to get out there and save her NOW. Unfortunately, he gets there about half a minute too late.

I think this could be the starting point for you. The phone ringing, Vincent answering it to hear his daughter's voice... in peril. Focus on his fears, something imagined, unseen. Perhaps experiment a bit with opening at that moment. It may work, may not.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
To be honest, I'd cut out the entire scene leading up to him putting on his Halloween costume. Even without that, you still show that they have a close relationship, he's a concerned parent, etc.

Edit: In addition, that would cut you right to the ominous talk about what's outside, and the dangers of autumn/winter. Though I'd revise that entire scene, since she should already know that it's dangerous outside.

Good points. I think starting with the ominous part of the scene would be a nice hook, though it comes at the cost of the lighthearted stuff I'd also like to keep in there before the darker stuff sets in. I also want to keep the part where Vincent and Ariel explicitly mention the danger, since it establishes that they've known it for a while ("We have this talk every year." "Yes, and you know why." etc.) and makes sure the reader knows something's up as well.
 
I tried the first suggestion already -- Vincent mentions that there are "more than just trick-or-treaters out there" not long into the opening scene, which tips the reader off that there's danger awaiting Ariel if she goes out.

I was thinking of putting the hint not just "not long into" the scene but in about the first or second paragraph, of a scene that's already been running. That is, in case what you want is to be sure the very start has its own oomph.

I've considered the prologue idea, but as I said above in reply to Guru Coyote, it would be VERY hard to write from the villain's POV without spilling his entire motivation on the first page, which is something I want to avoid so Ariel can figure it out for herself.

Guess I skipped past that one, :eek:. But it doesn't have to be the Big Bad himself. What about a minion or lesser villain, maybe a scout, or even a human who has his own reasons for thinking "Tonight's going to be very bad"? They don't have to be someone who knows the whole backstory, just anyone who can be ominous.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
I think this could be the starting point for you. The phone ringing, Vincent answering it to hear his daughter's voice... in peril. Focus on his fears, something imagined, unseen. Perhaps experiment a bit with opening at that moment. It may work, may not.

That happens in the next scene, from Ariel's POV. The actual kidnapping doesn't happen immediately after Ariel meets the guy; he starts out acting nicely, then slowly turns creepy, and at last she realizes he isn't human, which makes her flee from him and call her father for help. I really want to include all of that, so switching to Vincent's POV wouldn't really work, as it'd make the scene very different.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
I was thinking of putting the hint not just "not long into" the scene but in about the first or second paragraph, of a scene that's already been running. That is, in case what you want is to be sure the very start has its own oomph.

Yeah, that would make sense. But see my above response to Shockley (post #16).

Guess I skipped past that one, :eek:. But it doesn't have to be the Big Bad himself. What about a minion or lesser villain, maybe a scout, or even a human who has his own reasons for thinking "Tonight's going to be very bad"? They don't have to be someone who knows the whole backstory, just anyone who can be ominous.

There really aren't any lesser villains to fall back on; the anti-villain who'll show up a few chapters later doesn't count. There is a Bigger Bad behind the Big Bad, though, so there's potential there. I'm not sure about a scout, since the villain will be going to kidnap Ariel himself, without a middleman. Dunno about another human, either.
 
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