Show Don't Tell

[Penpilot]

I'm re-writing my opening scene. Again. I think from now on instead of saying I'm a writer I'll say I'm a re-writer. Wormtongue the Fantasy Re-writer.

Writing IS rewriting. Like it or not, the real work in writing is done in rewriting and editing process.

In my defense, I'm an engineer and a tech writer and I'm well trained to write sentences that tell.

Yeah, I hear you. I have a degree in CompSci, so I've spent a lot of time writing reports for physics, chem, and biology classes. Everything in the lab reports I use to write was in passive voice, which is perfectly fine for those things, but that form of writing doesn't exactly get the blood flowing for most people, and is the worst form of sentence construction for storytelling.

 

[wordwalker]

Anyway, changing every line of tell into show is hard work.

If this is what you have un-learned, then un-learn the un-learning you must. (Okay, you and Yoda can hit me now...)

Showing Not Telling adds a lot to the story, but it's not something you should use in every line, not in equal amounts. It's more a thing to measure in based on what that moment means to the story. "Devor the agile fighter" sounds like a main character that you know needs some attention, and only some things are like that.

More often it's more clearly a judgment call. Sometimes someone will only "pick up his guitar" because it's just a moment between the times he actually plays it, or sometimes the playing will only be in the background too because other things are happening. At other times you can take a paragraph or more for how he plays it, or just how he holds it preparing to play. Or he can "cradle" the guitar, capturing a moment by just using one good word-- but even that kind of efficient Telling ought to be used in the right lines, that are just a little more flow than ebb in the way the scene moves. The line after it, maybe the spotlight's moving to what he's saying and he should simply "hold" the guitar again.

 

[BWFoster78]

If this is what you have un-learned, then un-learn the un-learning you must.

It's hard to swing a pendulum directly to the correct balance point.

If the OP is anything like me, he needs to go all show in order to learn the technique and develop an intuition as to what the bad parts of showing are. It didn't take me long to realize that all show didn't work any more than too much telling did. If I hadn't gone through that experience of showing too much, however, it's hard to see how I would have developed the understanding that I have now.

 

[Devor]

I don't have the time right now to take a shot at genuine prose so I hope the above illustration works and we can envision what I'm getting at. The first option, telling, gives us some information... how Devor is different. The second, showing, conveys more precisely just how Devor fights, how drastically different his style is, and the effects on enemies and onlookers. It has greater clarity and greater power through imagery.

I wasn't sure on first read that you were still talking about "clarity" and had to sleep on it. But then I remembered Syrio Forel, the water dancer from Game of Thrones. There are some things we don't have a clear enough context for to let by without seeing an example to give it context. So okay, sometimes showing can be good for clarity.

But even there, I think Syrio gives us even more context. Although we're shown Arya's training, most of it is spent with Syrio telling us what water dancing is about even while he's showing it. It's a great example of why you often need to use both.

 

[Wormtongue]

At this moment I am just working on the opening scene, and this scene must be show. Glancing over my outline I see several other scenes that need to be show. If I thought the whole book had to be show I'd just quit now.

One thing that I'm really not looking forward to is "showing" the moment when my protagonist finds out that he has lost his wife. It is his defining moment and it must be real and it must be agony. And showing it is not going to be pleasant.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I'd like to give you some examples from my own work. I think the editing process took me two years to learn... and I'm a reasonable intelligent stay-at-home-mom in her thirties with loads of time to tinker with writing and read how-tos. So... if it took ME that long, I know it was hard.

When I look at a scene, say my opening scene... I look at what it's doing. Here's my opening scene from my first draft. Yes... me with my pants down. But I really want you to see this process and explain it. I'd do this exactly the same if you sent me your opening scene for crit--point out all the little things that aren't as strong as they could be and give a reason why, and then give some suggestions for things that might work better.

Okay, Original opening scene:

1 Vendetta (Revenge)

WC: 2659

Summer 1574

Merciless Doll slid her throwing knife back into its sheath as a young man entered the private office, blocking her shot. She crouched lower on the window ledge, waiting for him to leave.

The young man spoke, a voice she didn’t recognize. “How could they put Savio Marco to death after reading the documents I gave you?”

“They must not have reached His Holiness in time,” the man she wanted dead responded. Lies. If ever that voice sounded, she thought, there were only lies to be heard. The old man continued without missing a beat. “Edri is a complicated city where men cannot be trusted. His Holiness has powerful adversaries working against him, even within his closest circle.”

The young man’s voice shook. “This tragedy will not go unpunished. Whomever did this must pay. Savio Marco was an honest man, put to death for crimes he didn’t commit.”

With the smooth confidence of a fox in a henhouse, the old man kept his tone even and sympathetic. “If you want to avenge your friend’s death, I will help you. But first, we need to find out who held up the letters.”

Curious, she dared a peek. Her old friend’s crimson arm draped over the young man’s shoulder as if consoling a friend. “When I get the name, you must leave for Edri and kill the traitor.”

“Is this a jest?” the young man responded. “I’m not killing anyone. I’ll use the law to appeal to His Holiness and have Savio Marco’s church and family compensated for his unjust execution.”

“No,” the old man said, his voice leaving no room for questions. “The time for diplomacy has passed. It is time to take decisive action. Men like you and me can’t hesitate to make things happen. We have the well-being of our people to think about.”

The young man shoved the arm off his shoulder. “Your Eminence, I understand your anger over this betrayal, but I’m a lawman not an assassin. If you want my help, you’ll have to take what I’m able to give. The law is on our side; we have proof Savio Marco was innocent.”

The old man didn’t immediately react. Merciless Doll could imagine his guts roiling at the young man’s audacity. Not many had the confidence to refuse the old man’s requests.

“I’m going to write a formal appeal,” the confidant young man said. “Your signature would lend credence. I’ll bring it when I’m finished.” He turned to leave.

“You’ll live to regret this decision,” the old man said, straightening his cassock. “These men don’t fear pens and paper.”

“I’ll take my chances.” The young man exited without looking back.

Merciless Doll smiled. Seeing her former employer put in his place seemed well worth the wait and sore muscles from clinging to a narrow ledge. She pulled her dagger free of its sheath.

When she peered back, the room was empty. Damn. She reached for the adjacent window and climbed down a stone pillar, leather trousers shielding her skin from the abrasive surface. She cursed her momentary appropriation of patience, knowing it might have cost her dearly. Keeping track of a moving target inside the cathedral could be a daunting task and just as she was about to round the corner for the north wall, she saw the young man from the office, exit out the doors, heading for the gate.

A moment to decide which to follow, the old man she wanted dead or the only man she’d ever witnessed stand up to him. She slid down the wall, gloved hands and thick boots bearing the brunt of the friction. Avoiding the teal-caped Edrian Guards, she crept toward the outer wall, keeping to thick hedges. Up and over the wall in less than a minute, Merciless Doll stood on the street again, waiting.

Falling in beside the young man as he passed, she pulled a silk scarf from her leather doublet and wrapped it over her hair. “Cross the street and head into that alley.”

He didn’t acknowledge her at first, but after she repeated her command, he chanced a look in her direction. Serious, dark eyes bored into her. “Who are you?”

“You’re only friend right now,” she said. “Meet me in the alley.”
*

Not terrible... but definitely first draft. There are many things wrong with this scene and I aim to take you on a little journey through how I edited it. I am however, going to start a new thread for this and you may find it here:http://mythicscribes.com/forums/wri...ing-process-why-we-leave-last.html#post162494

 

[Penpilot]

At this moment I am just working on the opening scene, and this scene must be show. Glancing over my outline I see several other scenes that need to be show. If I thought the whole book had to be show I'd just quit now.

Don't stress too much. Just do the best you can. Show when you think you can show, but if you don't think you can show something, just tell it. Either a solution comes to you or it doesn't. Don't force everything to be "show" because swinging things so far in the "show" direction can be bad too.

There was a time I took "showing" too far, and things became vague. Sometimes something simply told is better because it eliminates confusion. For example, if you want to show that Bob is taller than Frank, there are lots of different ways to show this, like Bob being able to reach the top shelf and Frank not being able to. But sometimes for the sake of clarity simply stating Bob is taller than Frank works better.

Rome wasn't built in a day, so like I said, do your best to show and don't worry about having to tell. Eventually, it will start to click.

 

[Twook00]

I'm late to this, but oh well.

Have you tried looking at books you like to read for examples of shows and tells? This might help you improve in a way that suits your tastes.

From what I understand, tells are meant to convey info in a short amount of time. They summarize, and are therefore informative but bland.

Example of a tell:

Zac saw Peter sitting on a bench. Peter was a big nerd that Zac liked to pick on.

This reads only slightly better than if I had said:

Zac saw Peter. Peter sat on a bench. Peter was a nerd. Zac liked to pick on Peter.

Showing, however, is immersive. It's the act of putting a reader into the scene and letting him/her experience the events in high def glory. In showing, you don't say Peter is a nerd. Instead, you show me Peter BEING a nerd, and let me draw my own conclusions.

Peter sat on a bench, hunched over his notebook, bony hand scribbling like some kind of mad scientist.

"Hey, Peter," Zac shouted from the basketball court. "You know it's recess, right? Quit doing your homework."

Peter squinted up at him through thick, blue-rimmed glasses. "I'm not doing homework, Zachary. I'm preparing for my college entrance exam."

"Dude," Zac said. "We're in fourth grade. Get a life, man."

Peter frowned at Zac, his hand still scribbling in the notebook.

Zac rolled his eyes. "Are you even listening to me? Huh? Weirdo? Hello?"

In this short sequence, you can infer several things. You might infer that Peter is a nerd because he is spending recess preparing for an exam that is many years in the future. You might also infer that Zac is a jock because he is on the basketball court, or that he is kind of a bully because he is calling Peter mean names. In either case, you can extrapolate ALL KINDS of info in these few sentences. Sure, they take up a bit more space on the page, but the amount of information portrayed far outweighs that of the first example.

 

[Twook00]

Furthermore, by adding a new more words I can radically change the reader's perception of my previous sequence.

Peter sat on a bench, hunched over that Captain Canuck notebook he always carried, bony hand scribbling like some kind of mad scientist.

"Hey, Peter," Zac shouted from the basketball court. "You know it's recess, right? Quit doing your homework."

Peter squinted up at him through thick, blue-rimmed glasses. His mouth formed an "o" shape as he processed what Zac had said. "I'm not doing homework, Zachary. I'm preparing for my college entrance exam."

Zac bent down, squished the tongue of his new Reebok Pumps a few times. "That's bogus, man. We're in fourth grade for crying out loud. Get a life, dweeb."

Peter frowned at Zac, his hand still scribbling in the notebook.

Zac rolled his eyes. "Are you even listening to me? Huh? Weirdo? Hello?"

Peter huffed and looked up at Zac. "Get bent, Zachary. Why don't you go dancin' with Mr. Brownstone like all your buddies. I've got work to do."

By using slang, mentioning a specific pair of shoes and an old comic book hero, I can lead you to extrapolate that this story takes place in the 80's. Also, with that last line, you can infer that Zac's friends do drugs, and that Peter isn't all that intimidated by him.

 

[solas]

You may want to read a copy of James Lofquist's Tell, Don't Show!...only a few pages, it costs $1.49 in Kindle.

 

[Addison]

The battle of Show and/vs Tell is one of the greatest for writers. It's a battle of finding a balance between them, as it's impossible to write a story with just Show or just Tell. How a writer mixes their own Showing and Telling is one of the many foundation parts that make their story unique.

My experience, especially with descriptions, Telling appeals to different senses than Show. Tell is sight and, in some cases, hearing. Show is smell, taste and feel.
Hope this helps.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

My experience, especially with descriptions, Telling appeals to different senses than Show. Tell is sight and, in some cases, hearing. Show is smell, taste and feel. Hope this helps.

That's not been my experience. You can show with any of the five senses, plus internal sensations in the case of a POV character.

Speaking strictly about sight, since you mentioned it as a "tell". I can easily use the sense of sight to show....

Tell: Addison was angry. He wanted to fight.

Show: Addison's face reddened up to his forehead. A throbbing blue vein cut across his brow, keeping time with the tempo of his clenching fists.

All sight.....

 

[wordwalker]

A better way to put it is that telling usually sticks to one sense or so, usually the obvious one that's one of the Big Two. (Sounds can be telling too.) Showing can be giving more detail to the same sense, but it usually includes adding other senses-- maybe just mixing sounds into the sights (or sights into the dialog), maybe touch or smell or taste.

 

[Michael J. Tobias]

I always write in stages, the first being as a "viewer" to the scene. I imagine the scene and imagine myself narrating the scene to my blind and deaf friend. This gets me a lot of telling, but also a lot of showing. I then generally pick a character and re-imagine myself in the scene as that character and make what I consider the appropriate changes. The final stage is to imagine myself as another character in the scene and make any changes that I may deem necessary. This process generally gives me a good balance of show and tell, which in my experience is around 70/30, though of course that varies depending on the type of environment and mood of the scene in question. Battle scenes are virtually 100% show, transitions (especially those with descriptive sections) tend to be more tell, though I still try to make these more show than tell.

BTW, I don't mean to imply that I write these scenes from 3 different POVs, which is precisely what I appear to be describing. I may write the scene from the first character's POV, but generally I use deep 3rd POV, so imagining myself in the shoes of these characters is simply to provide me with emotional and thought processes and how best to communicate this...which almost always means showing in some way.

Of course, as always, I reserve the right to be completely and utterly wrong and silly and welcome any critical feedback

 

[Addison]

Whoops, I apologize for my previous post. My eyes were on the forum but my mind was stuck in a chapter of writing descriptions. When it comes to THIS kind of show and tell you need to look at your story like a stage play instead of a movie. (Or a cartoon if you prefer.) In movies we only get certain shots of the characters, waist up, profile, whatever. In a play we and they (readers) see all of the actors. From the slight pivot of their feet to the snotty lifting of their nose. It's true that your description might focus primarily on the face or fists, but adding little tid bits will help the readers grasp the full description.

Hope this was more helpful.

 

[Caged Maiden]

On the eleventh day of Christmas... your friendly neighborhood Caged Maiden resurrected a show and tell thread that gets right to the good stuff. Merry Christmas scribes and hope you all have a happy new year of writing! I found myself quoting this thread today and I thought some of our newer members might find it useful.