Help with a very short excerpt

[Ireth]

I need advice on a few lines in my WIP. The POV character is running to save his daughter from a kidnapper, and talking to her on his cellphone.

"Ah, sh--!"

A crack in the pavement caught Vincent's toe, and he threw out his hands to break his fall. The phone flew from his hand and skittered away in two pieces.

My beta reader has said it's unclear whether the curse is simply cut short as he falls, or if I'm trying to censor it. The former is the case; I have few qualms about cursing elsewhere in the book, so censoring this one instance seems a bit silly. But saying something like "His curse was cut short as a crack in the pavement caught his toe" seems a tad redundant, since the reader can clearly see that the word is incomplete. (In proper novel format the two hyphens will be an em-dash.)

Thoughts on what to do with this?

 

[Steerpike]

I think the dashes might be what gives the wrong impression, though to me it was clear the fall cut him off.aybe just one dash so the number of dashes isn't equal to the number of missing letters, or an ellipsis or something.

 

[Ireth]

I think the dashes might be what gives the wrong impression, though to me it was clear the fall cut him off.aybe just one dash so the number of dashes isn't equal to the number of missing letters, or an ellipsis or something.

Thanks, Steerpike. From what I know of standard manuscript format (which the MS is written in), double hyphens are used to mark where em-dashes will be in the published text. Using a single hyphen looks wrong to my eyes, and I'm not sure an agent or publisher would appreciate me deviating from the norm. Ellipsis doesn't give the same sense of suddenness to the cut-off as a dash of any sort would. Maybe it'd work better if I added the "i" to fix the number of hyphens/number of missing letters problem?

 

[Steerpike]

I was going to suggest an em dash. Since that's what you are using (and you're right about two dashes indicating that in standard manuscript format), I would leave it as is.

 

[Incanus]

It all looks right to me, Ireth. I use each one of these punctuation elements exactly as you do.

I always use ellipses to indicate a trailing off, and a dash (or two hyphens) for being suddenly cut off or any other kind of abrupt stop.

 

[Chessie]

It's fine, Ireth. I'd just put an em dash in there.

 

[Penpilot]

I think for the most part it's fine. I use the double dash all the time. But if you want to make things a little clearer, IMHO you only have to adjust the formatting a little, without any significant change to the text. I think the following make things clearer.

"Ah, sh--!" A crack in the pavement caught Vincent's toe.

He threw out his hands to break his fall. The phone flew from his hand and skittered away in two pieces.

By moving the tripping part of the next sentence and placing it with the dialogue, making that a paragraph, the association between the two becomes stronger and clearer. At least I think it does.

 

[FifthView]

I think for the most part it's fine. I use the double dash all the time. But if you want to make things a little clearer, IMHO you only have to adjust the formatting a little, without any significant change to the text. I think the following make things clearer.



By moving the tripping part of the next sentence and placing it with the dialogue, making that a paragraph, the association between the two becomes stronger and clearer. At least I think it does.

It's almost funny how the tiniest of things can make a big difference. But too terrifying to be funny, considering how the tiniest things can really screw up what you are trying to do, sometimes.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Though I agree with the suggestion to use an EM dash, I think the clarity could be further enhanced by reordering the paragraph's structure.

Something like:

A crack in the pavement caught Vincent's toe.

Ah, sh--!" He threw out his hands to break his fall.

Not necessarily with that wording, but the order of events seems important for clarity.

1) Trip
2) Exclamation
3) Attempt to break the fall
4) Consequence of tripping

As written now, it seems like he's screaming, "Ah, sh-!" before he has something to scream about. Hope that helps.

EDIT: Penpilot beat me to it, but we revised differently. At least that shows there are multiple ways you could go.

 

[Ireth]

Good call, T.Allen! I suppose I could also say "had caught" instead of just "caught", come to think of it. I'll see what reads better, I guess. ^^

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

Good call, T.Allen! I suppose I could also say "had caught" instead of just "caught", come to think of it. I'll see what reads better, I guess. ^^

Yes. Past perfect tense can help clarify that an event occurred before a moment that is already being told in past tense.

 

[Penpilot]

After reconsideration, I like T.A.S.'s suggested arrangement better than mine.

 

[thedarknessrising]

Well, from the context, it looks like your character is swearing in reaction to something that was just said to him. So what if you just removed the actual dialogue and had "His swear was cut short as he caught his foot on a rock and tripped".?

 

[Ireth]

Well, from the context, it looks like your character is swearing in reaction to something that was just said to him. So what if you just removed the actual dialogue and had "His swear was cut short as he caught his foot on a rock and tripped".?

I could, but I want to keep the actual curse in there. This is the start of a chapter, with some overlap from the last scene of the previous chapter; beforehand we see the phone call I mentioned above from the daughter's POV, and witness her fear as the call cuts short following her dad's curse. Keeping the identical dialogue is a concise way to establish Vincent's POV as well as the exact time the second chapter begins. Especially since Vincent doesn't actually get to his daughter in time, as the kidnapping (seen from the daughter's POV in chapter 1) is what sets the plot in motion.