Introducing the Antagonist

[Jesterofchaos]

I'm still working on my writing. I got a lot of feedback on how to improve my protagonist introduction now I am working on the introduction of my antagonist.

In unison the soldiers in black armor stepped aside and formed an opening in the crowd. In the distance Captain Archuleta could see a huge individual heading towards him. He stood a good head and shoulder taller than the next biggest man. His hair was short, black, with specks of gray. His black and white warpaint gave him the appearance of an angel of death. His breastplate was made completely out of sun bleached human bones with covered his massive corded neck and heavily muscled chest. Every part of his body that wasn't covered by armor was covered in tattoos that resembled Roman numerals. As he walked slowly toward the Arcadian soldiers they could feel the arrogance ooze from every pore of his body. His confidence was unprecedented.
Fear ran over the faces of the men from Arcadia. They were in the presence of Dragoon " The Blood Letter " the most feared champion in the known realms. The mighty champion of Chaotica. His warlord was the reason for the Great Uprising that nearly brought the twelve kingdoms to its knees.
Dragoon stopped a few yards away from his enemies and removed his breastplate and handed it to Maximus his second in command. Then he drew two daggers from his belt and handed them over. Dragoon held out his huge arms and silently looked to the sky while Maximus pulled the daggers across his forehead, chest, back, and arms. Blood slowly began to exude from the self inflicted wounds as it slowly covered his exposed flesh. He looked like a demon emerging from the pits of hell in the dimly lit night.
Dragoon pulled his broad sword from its sheath as he tested the the weapons weight with a series of quick wrist snapping rotations. The broad sword danced in his grip as he slowly began to walk toward the Arcadian soldiers.

 

[AlexS]

“a huge individual” – would be a stronger impression if the first description is something inhuman, ephemeral, like “a hulking shadow”, and only later described as a man.

The word “covered” is used 3 times in quick succession. Maybe “coated by tatoos”, etc. ?

“they could feel the arrogance ooze from every pore of his body” – it’s better if we are in one person’s POV (Archuleta?), and the other’s feelings are described through action. They stumbled back, they gasped, etc.

“Fear ran over the faces of the men from Arcadia.” – again, describe a physical action as a result of the fear. Don't just say they were afraid, show them being afraid.

“Dragoon stopped a few yards away from his enemies and removed his breastplate” – it’s hard to suspend the disbelief here, that he’s just a few yards away, takes off his armor, and no one is trying to kill him, no matter how fearsome he is. Either describe a reason why they can’t (maybe they try to move, but their knees buckle, implying some supernatural power), or make the distance more realistic, eg. “on the other side of the field”.

 

[Jesterofchaos]

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate you taking the time. The main reason for this post was to see I was on the right track when it came to introducing my antagonist. This is when Captain Archuleta first see's Dragoon. So there were a few things I did not include to keep the post short.
He and a small platoon of elite soldiers had just escorted the diplomats from a neighboring country that had agreed to a fragile ceasefire home. As they were about to leave the city he looked back and noticed the battlements began to fill with soldiers armed with long bows. More soldiers began emerging from the city gates. Also what I did not include was the choice Dragoon had given him.
basically- " I'm going to give you and your men a choice. Face me in combat or die at the hands of my legion. Kill me and you walk away free men." so that is why they did not attempt to kill him while he removed his armor they were preparing to fight him. Your suggestions were very helpful. I didn't realize I used the word cover three times so quickly. That has been changed thanks to you.

 

[AlexS]

" I'm going to give you and your men a choice. Face me in combat or die at the hands of my legion. Kill me and you walk away free men." so that is why they did not attempt to kill him while he removed his armor they were preparing to fight him.

Ok, if there is a valid reason why he takes off his armor so close to them, you can really lean into it. Instead of "a few yards from them", describe him being "close enough to smell the blood", or "to see the veins in his eyes" or something like that.

 

[pmmg]

The dude is scary, but for me, I think this tries too hard. And it has me asking questions, like why make a breastplate out of bone when it can be made of steel instead, and why is he wearing a breastplate at all if he's just going to discard it when a battle shows up. Why is he cutting himself?

In his effort to look like a badass, he's setting himself up for failure.

I am reminded of humongous from Mad Max, and Goliath from David and Goliath. I feel this guy comes across like a Vader and not a Palpatine, if that is what you are after. All fear and intimidation, and not really lead boss.

I would tone it down a little, and try a less is more approach. But that is just me.