Can I get a second opinion or thoughts?

[GroundZxero]

So...here we have God, who is omnipotent, creates Eden, and is thrown down by Lucifer, but I am the one bringing too much of my outside understanding of religious nature to it? And therein lies the problem. You have invited that with the choice of symbols. I am hoping something worthy of that invitation will follow. But I am just a voice in the wind. You can bet there are others like me.

On a goofy website, where we all discuss ideas, it seems fine to me. But if you are hoping to go out into the world, I have to do my job. And that is scrutinize your ideas.

Probably a hundred others on MS will not have such concerns. I'll let them have the floor for a while.

It's your job to scrutinize my ideas? Wtf? I'm all for criticism but it kinda feels like your attacking me. Thanks for giving a newcomer such a warm welcome. Definitely won't be using this website again

 

[Avery Moore]

It's your job to scrutinize my ideas? Wtf? I'm all for criticism but it kinda feels like your attacking me. Thanks for giving a newcomer such a warm welcome. Definitely won't be using this website again

Yeah, that's kind of a counter productive attitude to have on a website that is literally for writing critique. The purpose of critique isn't to tell people that all their writing and ideas are perfect and can't be improved upon. It's to give writers useful advice to help make their stories as good as they can possibly be.

 

[pmmg]

Sorry you feel that way. You can thank me later.

 

[barrowyarrow]

I can't comment on the religious parallels but I do have questions. As far as worldbuilding goes, this feels pretty full. There's a lot of foundation to build off of and I'd be curious to see where this goes. What immediately jumps out at me is this multiversal being and a dimensional barrier that blocks it from fully entering the world. I always get this wary feeling when people add the concept of a multiverse to their story because it sets a scale that I feel is usually unnecessary and presents a lot of problems an author might have to address. Then there's this barrier that blocks it from entering the world but it can still supply magic to it. What is this barrier? Where does it come from? If there's a multiverse, is this the only world that has a barrier? These are just the immediate questions I would have as a reader being presented this. Overall, not bad. I feel like a lot of these just need to be hit with the how and why questions a bit.

 

[Fidel]

I understand where you're coming from, this is just the origin of my world it's not the story itself. Koran is pronounced (Corin) not Quran.
Like I said before I don't really want to info dump so I'm just giving you guys a general timeline.

The main story is about the current generation of eternal dragons navigating the world and dealing with the politics at hand. (Very loose description obviously)

500 Years Ago
- Founding of the Delphic Kingdom: The Magus family establishes the Delphic Kingdom and the Church of the Arcana, beginning centuries of expansionist wars and persecution of Beastmen and other races.

370 Years Ago
- Formation of the Pearl Kingdom: The Twilights, psychics capable of manipulating gravity, form the Pearl Kingdom after escaping enslavement by the Delphic Kingdom.

240 Years Ago
- Civil War in the Delphic Kingdom: The Mortimer family (arthur and alice) overthrows the Magus family. The discovery of the psychic stone Obsidian grants the Mortimer family the power of necromancy

220 Years Ago
- Fall of the Pearl Kingdom: The Delphic Kingdom defeats/ conquers the Pearl Kingdom marking the formation of the Delphic Empire. The surviving Twilights retreat to a parallel dimension under the veil of Luna's moon.

- Birth of Izon and formation of the Emerald Kingdom.

200 Years Ago
- Flourishing of the Beast Kingdom: The Beast Kingdom, ruled by the Lionheart family, thrives for two centuries.

Recent Century
- Emergence of Independent City-States: Ruby City, Stardust City, Sapphire City, and Topaz City emerge on unclaimed lands, each governed by a mayor and protected by their own military forces.

80 Years Ago
- Eternal Dragons World War

20 Years Ago
- Collapse of the Beast Kingdom: The Lionheart family is exiled from the Beast Kingdom, leading to a council-based governance. The Lionhearts retreat to the volcanic island of Eldoria.
- Birth of Hikaru and Alexa: Hikaru, the Dragon of Fire, and Alexa, the Dragon of Lightning, are born into the Lionheart family.

This timeline is packed with lore and sets up a rich, dynamic world, nice work! The mix of political intrigue, magical elements, and generational shifts gives it a lot of potential. That said, it feels a bit dense for an intro; maybe sprinkle these details throughout the story instead of front-loading them. Focus on the current generation of dragons and let the history unfold naturally through their experiences. Keep building but remember to balance world-building with character-driven storytelling!

 

[Dylan]

This is all some good, solid worldbuilding so far!

One thing I will say though, I find the presence of God, Eden and Lucifer in what I assume is a high fantasy setting a bit out of place. I'm guessing this story isn't set on Earth, so that fact that this other world has the same name for the God, the Devil and the world that God created seems like a weird coincidence.

I mean, God you can get away with. The word "God" can refer to any God, not just the Christian God. But the Garden of Eden and Lucifer are specific to the Christian religion, so the fact they they both show up in this other world seems a bit strange to me.

Now, I get if you want to add them for religious reasons, but you can use Christian stories and characters without giving them the exact same names. The Chronicles of Narnia, for example, had a lot of religious characters in it, but their names and appearances were changed in the world of Narnia. Jesus was Aslan and Lucifer was the White Witch, etc.

Also, I kind of get the impression that this religion isn't supposed to be based on the Christian religion, since there are a lot of really clear differences (God is a giant obelisk. Lucifer defeats God and God is cast from heaven, etc.) So, if it isn't based on the Christian religion, why use the Christian names for the places and characters?

Using names like Eden and Lucifer in a high fantasy setting can feel jarring, especially if it’s not Earth-based. If the religion isn’t directly tied to Christianity, tweaking the names and concepts could make the world feel more unique and cohesive. Narnia’s approach is a solid example, keeping the themes but giving them a fresh twist. It’s all about balancing familiarity with originality to keep the immersion intact. Love the thoughtful critique!