Detail analysis

[Svrtnsse]

Ahoy folks, please consider the following passage:

Over in the big leather armchairs in the corner sat her parents — Herman, and Kerstin.
“Daughter,” said Kerstin.
“Emma,” said her father.

So it's not very long, but I'm hoping to achieve a few different things with it and I'd just want to run a few things by you. The reader will already be familiar with the PoV character, Emma, but this is the first time we meet her parents.

From the above, what's your impression of Emma's relation to her parents, respectively?

Take a moment to think about it before you go on.

My intention is that by having Kerstin address Emma as daughter I'm implying that the relation may be a little bit strained or that there's some tension between them. Her father on the other hand addresses Emma by name and I'm hoping this will show they're on warmer/better terms with each other.

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[SergeiMeranov]

I think I generally understood that your intent was to portray the mother as more cold or distant, but they both sound awfully formal. Obviously you know the story better than I do, so maybe that's appropriate given the setting or other story elements, but it sounds a lot like a child being taken by a nanny to meet her royal parents for a formal presenting than a child going to see their parents.

If you aren't concerned with the situation remaining formalistic then it might be helpful to include other details to make the contrast between mother and father more stark. Have her give her dad a hug while her mom stands there with her arms crossed. Get more descriptive with her inner thoughts or the body language of all the participants, etc.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Thanks. The situation is meant to be a bit on the stiff and formal side - it's part of the story and will get touched upon in more detail later.

Good to see it works.

 

[FifthView]

Knowing the entire context would help.

My very first impression was a mental flash of Ordinary People, where the mother is distant for some reason and the father is warmer toward his daughter. So this fits your stated intention.

The formality is an interesting thing—as it pertains to the mother mostly. With such a limited context, it could go the route Sergei mentioned. But on the other hand, this could be a case of the mother inserting formality purposefully. (I.e., there's no external situation of formality imposed on the situation.) It's a little like parents scolding a child beginning with the child's full name: Mary Elizabeth Sharp! Also hidden in that conscious insertion of formality might be the mother's intention of reminding the daughter of their roles. ("Me, parent; you, child/daughter.") Or, it might signal that that's the only way the mother knows how to relate to her. Because the mother begins by inserting a formal tone, the father purposefully (however subconsciously or consciously) chooses the personal address as a counter to his wife. So this also kinda sorta reveals something about their relationship.

But, ha, extrapolation from limited context...

 

[Ronald T.]

Of course, this is out of context, so it's difficult to respond. But the dialogue seems a bit flat and cold. It gives the reader nothing to go on. And somehow, it seems unnatural, due to its abruptness.

Perhaps it would feel more natural if you went with something like this:

"Daughter," said Kirstin, her rigid posture and deep frown making it obvious she was trying to control her anger.
"Emma," said her father. He spoke in a much softer tone, but it was easy to see, he was upset, as well.

Adding this sort of detail gives the reader much more to go on, much deeper context.

But what do I know? I'm just a kid.

 

[Chessie]

I agree with Fifthview about context. Is it possible for you to post a bit more of the scene?

 

[Svrtnsse]

The intent of the question was to try and see what others would glean from just that snippet, without any context, and I think got the answer that I was hoping for - that there's a difference in Emma's relationships with her parents.

For reference though, and since you asked, here's a bit more context. You'll notice that I added a bit of a description of the parents as well.

Emma stepped into the burrow's dining room and stopped, just inside the door.

A large oak table, long enough to fit the entire family and then some. A fireplace in the far wall, and a small fire within. Candles burning here and there, on shelves and on the table, casting the room in a soft warm light.

Over in the big leather armchairs in the corner sat her parents. Herman, and Kerstin. He short, bald, and scrawny, with a warm smile that never seemed far away. Her mother was taller, rounder, and with short brown curls that had begun to turn grey in places.

“Daughter,” said Kerstin.

“Emma,” said her father.

“Mother, father.” Emma nodded to each of them in turn. “The burrow's nearly set for the night.”

Her mother raised an eyebrow at her. “Nearly?”

Emma straightened up a little where she stood. “I still need to hang the pans and make sure the kids are all in bed. Edgren and Viola are seeing to that now.”

“I thought Edgren was going up to Stefan's to look after their little one during the meeting?” said Herman.

“Yes.” Emma nodded. “I'll send him on his way as soon as I've made sure everything's in order here.”

And that's about it for now.

 

[DragonOfTheAerie]

Ahoy folks, please consider the following passage:

So it's not very long, but I'm hoping to achieve a few different things with it and I'd just want to run a few things by you. The reader will already be familiar with the PoV character, Emma, but this is the first time we meet her parents.

From the above, what's your impression of Emma's relation to her parents, respectively?

Take a moment to think about it before you go on.

My intention is that by having Kerstin address Emma as daughter I'm implying that the relation may be a little bit strained or that there's some tension between them. Her father on the other hand addresses Emma by name and I'm hoping this will show they're on warmer/better terms with each other.

What are your thoughts on this?

It's a really small snippet, so I can't really say. You'd have to give me a whole scene. But as of now, the device you're using to suggest their relationship seems...a little...obvious?

Honestly referring to one parent by name and the other parent by their relation to Emma seemed much more obvious to me in expressing the relationship.

 

[DragonOfTheAerie]

The intent of the question was to try and see what others would glean from just that snippet, without any context, and I think got the answer that I was hoping for - that there's a difference in Emma's relationships with her parents.

For reference though, and since you asked, here's a bit more context. You'll notice that I added a bit of a description of the parents as well.

And that's about it for now.

Seeing the whole scene, now, it seems to work.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Honestly referring to one parent by name and the other parent by their relation to Emma seemed much more obvious to me in expressing the relationship.

This is interesting. Will have a think on that.

 

[Chessie]

Hm...if you hadn't told us your intentions, I wouldn't have guessed that her relationship with mother is more strained than with father. Then again I'm dense sometimes and don't look deeply into these things. I see the shortness in her mother though after your explanation. Does that help?

 

[spectre]

i pictured a ceo father and his lawyer wife who have a stressed relationship with their daughter. the big leather chairs contributed to this.

"The eye that sees cannot see itself."