Feedback on a short story plot

[Jabrosky]

I'm 1,600 words into a short story which I have planned from start to finish in my head:

Spoiler: Short story's plot synopsis

The hero is a Celtic warrior visiting an African city to buy himself a prostitute's services. When he finds out he doesn't have enough money to afford a prostitute, he decides to earn the gold he needs by capturing or killing a bandit ringleader who has been causing trouble for the empire. He is attacked by hyenas while searching for the bandits' camp, but the bandits rescue him and bring him to their beautiful leader. The leader claims that her order is really a rebel movement against a tyrannical empress and offers to have sex with the hero if he joins their cause.

After the hero is initiated into the bandit/rebel order and has sex with the leader, she has him steal a magical staff that can crumble walls. The hero obeys, but then the rebel leader orders him to kill the men who guarded the staff, which he regrets. The rebels use the staff to break through an imperial village's protective wall and massacre the population. The hero is appalled and realizes that the "rebels" really were pillaging bandits after all!

The hero runs away from the bandits, but after a brief moment of angsty reflection, he returns to have a climactic fight with their leader, ultimately killing her. He brings the bandit leader's head to the empress, who turns out to be an even more beautiful woman. The empress offers the hero an even better reward than the gold he had originally wanted: sex.

How do you feel about this plot? I'm particularly worried about the following:

Spoiler: Potential plot issues

How would you feel about a hero looking for a prostitute and being rewarded with sex?

 

[Chilari]

Well, I guess it depends on your target audience. If, as I suspect, your target audience is the same as that for certain types of movie, I think you'll be fine. As long as there are suitable warnings along the NSFW line. Just don't tote it as a morality tale and don't think you'll have any trouble.

 

[ArielFingolfin]

I don't think the sex is so much your problem. I think there's a potential descrepency with your characters morals. He has no problem capturing or killing someone for a prostitute, but when he joins the bandits to get laid he suddenly has issues with killing? I can't really tell how much your character changes and shifts or what exactly is going on in his head, so I'll just caution you to think about and be aware of that. Also, why did he go to Africa? Aren't there any women in Ireland (or wherever he's from since the Celts were a very widespread people)? Just a thought.

 

[Jabrosky]

Also, why did he go to Africa?

He left his homeland seeking adventure and more prosperity. He's sort of like Conan.

 

[Ghost]

Why does he need to get laid so badly that he's willing to risk his life and kill folks? Don't these beautiful ladies already have love interests? Does he need to go to Africa to get down and dirty? And why would an empress stoop to sleeping with some guy carrying a decapitated head?

I actually wouldn't mind the guy considering a prostitute, getting caught up in an awkward situation, and sleeping with a woman he meets at the end (although making her the most attractive woman in the story makes it seems like wish fulfillment). I think it could work very well if it has a slightly humorous angle. It's all the trappings of this particular plot that I don't like, but I'm not the target audience.

On an unrelated note: I'm surprised you outline your short stories. The plot looks to me like a novella or short novel because of all the scenes and characters. It's neat that you can visualize the story from start to end.

 

[Jabrosky]

I actually wouldn't mind the guy considering a prostitute, getting caught up in an awkward situation, and sleeping with a woman he meets at the end (although making her the most attractive woman in the story makes it seems like wish fullfilment).

Honestly, some of my story ideas are expressions of my personal wishes, and this is definitely one of them. Is that considered a bad thing?

On an unrelated note: I'm surprised you outline your short stories. The plot looks to me like a novella or short novel because of all the scenes and characters. It's neat that you can visualize the story from start to end.

Most of my outlining is done in my head.

 

[Ghost]

A bad thing? Writing what you enjoy isn't a bad thing, but...I dislike when the wish fulfillment is obvious and the story takes itself seriously. I might like the same story if it's done in an over-the-top, comical way or if the author tones down the wish fulfillment. It's just one opinion, so don't let it worry you.

 

[gavintonks]

you can get prostitutes in any town and city and suburb in the world why travel to these prostitutes
surely you would check the price before you leave home?
Is he a virgin and the speacilise in virgins?
whats beauty got to do with it and a quuen has an entire country to choose from why some penniless dick who comes to her shores?
where is the king?
are you sending him to africa because you think we dumb enough to build an entire culture on prostitution, prostitution is a western morality not an african one
Hyenas do not attack people, they are basically dogs with big teeth and like birds and stuff, and they do not run very far or fast as they have strange back legs that always make them look like they loping or collapsing

 

[ThinkerX]

Might be a tad more palatable all the way around if his goal isn't so much to 'visit a prositute' as it is to snag an exotic wife for himself or for his brother back home.

 

[Jabrosky]

I discussed my idea on another Internet forum, and the general consensus was that even if there was a market for a wish fulfillment fantasy like this, the concept had unfortunate Mighty Whitey implications. I see where they're coming from. I mean, I thought a story featuring sexy black women, interracial sex, and an African empire as a setting would be progressive, but I can imagine someone interpreting it as an offensive "Mighty Whitey goes on a sexual safari and cuts up black people".