Feedback on This Form of Foreshadowing

[PlotHolio]

Hello,

I'm writing a story for my creative writing class. It's a military sci-fi that takes place in the near future. Not a fantasy per-se, but I want some advice on it. Some of my characters obtain an unencoded data chip from some aliens (after killing them), and they read it.

This is what they read:
ESCOM SYSTEM ACTIVE. CONNECTED: CHANNEL CODE X1-0FD0_LL
CONNECTION SECURE
SYSTEM-: COMMAND-ID“SURTR” CONNECTED
SURTR-: ESOIC weapon system too unstable. Current level of automation dangerous. Redux of Daedalus Incident catastrophic. Request immediate reactivation of Black Box. Directive 8.
SYSTEM-: USER-ID“FENRIR” CONNECTED
FENRIR-: Negative. Activation of Black Box unadvised. Progenitor unit lost. Secondary unit location unknown.
SURTR-: Official channels exhausted. Repeat: Reactivate Black Box. Directive 8.
FENRIR-: Negative.
SURTR-: Too important to let emotions cloud judgment. Protocols in place to prevent redux of New London.
FENRIR-: Protocols in place to prevent redux of Daedalus.
SURTR-: Would not request if not urgent. Reactivate. Reactivate now.
FENRIR-: Negative.
SURTR-: Reactivate Black Box or will take command myself.
FENRIR-: Negative. Will not reactivate Black Box under any circumstances.
SURTR-: Very well. As friend, advise you run.
FENRIR-: As friend, thank you.
SYSEM-: USER-ID“FENRIR” DISCONNECTED
SURTR-: //command coordtrace USER-ID“FENRIR”
SYSTEM-: Authenticate:
SURTR-: ********
SYSTEM-: Command Confirmed.
SYSTEM-: Calculating…
SYSTEM-: Trace Completed: 56°39′12″N 161°21′42″E / 56.65333°N 161.36167°E.
SYSTEM-: Location Confirmed. Shiveluch, Kamchatka Peninsula, Vladivostok Treaty Organization Restricted Area.
SURTR-: //command coordtrace eraserecord
SYSTEM-: Trace record successfully erased.
SURTR-: //command X1-0FD0_LL eraserecord
SYSTEM-: Channel record successfully erased.
SYSTEM-: COMMAND-ID“SURTR” DISCONNECTED
CONNECTION TERMINATED

The contents of the chip are directly related to events that will take place later in the story, but I'm not sure that this is a good way to foreshadow these events. Let me know what you think.

NOTE: In the actual document, the "chat log" is formatted differently.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

If I came across a passage like this in a book, I'd probably wind up skipping it. Then again, I almost always skip past songs & poems as well.

This just seems to cluttered and confused. I want to enjoy reading prose, not struggle with it, regardless of what may be hidden within. Can this be accomplished with normal prose or dialogue?

 

[PlotHolio]

Unfortunately, no. The narration is first person. If I do this through prose or dialogue, it will be someone reading it aloud for no apparent reason. I'm doing it this way because this is what my characters see when the data is displayed.

 

[Steerpike]

I might well bypass it, too. If you shortened it and kept the discussion between Fenrir and Surtr, without so many of the "System" commands or reports I'd be more likely to read this. I also think you could do it in prose without doing a read-aloud, though if you prefer to just post the data directly then go for it, I'd just make it a bit more reader-friendly.

 

[PlotHolio]

The system commands are meant to make it look like it's a futuristic communication rather than an AIM chat log on a USB drive, but you do have a point. I'll wait and see if anybody else comments before I implement it, but I'm pretty sure I'll go with that.

How would you suggest I turn it into prose?

 

[Steerpike]

Just as an example (not suggesting you adopt this), you could do:


I inserted the data chip into the terminal and watched as the screen came to life. It looked like Surtr ran into some trouble with the ESOIC system. He'd asked Fenrir to reactive Black Box. The exchange was brief:

FENRIR-: Negative. Activation of Black Box unadvised. Progenitor unit lost. Secondary unit location unknown.
SURTR-: Official channels exhausted. Repeat: Reactivate Black Box. Directive 8.
FENRIR-: Negative.
SURTR-: Too important to let emotions cloud judgment. Protocols in place to prevent redux of New London.
FENRIR-: Protocols in place to prevent redux of Daedalus.
SURTR-: Would not request if not urgent. Reactivate. Reactivate now.
FENRIR-: Negative.
SURTR-: Reactivate Black Box or will take command myself.
FENRIR-: Negative. Will not reactivate Black Box under any circumstances.
SURTR-: Very well. As friend, advise you run.
FENRIR-: As friend, thank you.

Guess Surtr didn't get what he wanted. After that Surtr ran a trace on Fenrir, then erased the evidence of the trace. Interesting. I ejected the chip and put it back in my pocket.


Of course, I don't know your story, so that's just made up, but you see the general idea. You could do it all in the prose form, or with just a shorter segment of the actual transcript.

 

[PlotHolio]

Okay, thanks.

 

[Steerpike]

No problem. I should point out, though, that I'm a big advocate of people following the vision for their story that speaks most strongly to them. If that's the original version, don't let people discourage you from it.

 

[Jamber]

Hi PlotHolio,
definitely read it aloud... See how tempting it is to skip over. I forced myself to read closely but agree with comments above, and prefer Steerpike's version.

There was a Matthew Reilly book with several passages like this, and because I only had it on a talking book I was forced to sit through them...

But then again it may be that you want to use this dry info-laden but much-abbreviated 'voice' for a particular effect (a form of epistolary novel?). Up to you.

cheers
Jennie