Is The Art of Rhyme Dead?

[JRFLynn]

Hey folks, I've been battling with this question for a while now so what do you think? To begin with, for the longest while my hubby has been my only feedback as I don't get out much. He loves Tom Clancy and parallel history genres, so he's been rather allusive in regard to giving me advice.

I love to rhyme! It's fun playing around with words so that is sounds melodious and it just happens naturally when I write! Yet, he seems to think it's too pervasive so it fuddles with the story and makes it an agonizing read. Since we live in modern times, I'm pondering if people would actually find it interesting or just an annoyance?

Here's an excerpt to show you what I mean...(mind, this is a satirical part in the story XD)

Beware, travelers! Adventurers of the Blighted Lands! The wicked Fel King, Mortboliot, may take you unawares…just as he did the fair princess Ellnara! The fiend plans to make her an undead lich bride, and soon the ceremony will be complete! Once the dour eclipse falls, the poor maiden will gain the blackest immortality, and all shall be lost–Pray Fate, it must be stopped! Yet, all those who have come before have fallen to his foul minions; that of grok and greylorn, drak and doom-wraith…So, who is left to challenge the vile necromancer’s might? Anyone?!
“Bwahahahahaaa!” Came a bout of thunderous laughter, rocketing across the vast wastes of Mount Chaos. Truly, is there no one? OH?! Wait! Who is this, riding upon a white steed? Why, a virtuous knight has come, clad in shimmering plate and chainmail, flowing cloak the purest white! In one hand a marvelous sword, the other…a muffin?! No matter! It’s frightfully ravening traveling on the road, especially when one’s hobby is thwarting evil!

Here's a more serious example:

The winds of foreboding swept across a bog both ancient and eerie, carrying with it the promise of death. Life had fled this desolate place long ago…shadows and haunts, that’s all that lingered still. So desolate the dreary grey, one could get lost forever. Fleeting hope lived nonetheless, despite knowing these moments may be his last. Hair wild and black as coal, a battered and bloody blur bolted through the mists clad in hide tied with twine, a child of the rock and cleft…one of the Kin’Drallah. Fleeting hope abided still, soaring high and refusing to die. Some say Fate favors the wise, those who trust their guts in the face of the foul. Sure enough, when it jumps, best listen to the whispering words. The small voice that says…Don’t! One day, it just might be the difference between life and death! Now, things are beyond bad. Too late to fix what’s been wrought, it’s all gone so horribly wrong! All I can do is warn, gotta find a way out… find someone! Anyone! Though the miry earth tried to snare him with every step, and the winds howled for his demise, the desperate boy pushed onward for his life…fearing what lurked amidst the bleary pale.

Grr...please help me @.@ This is my first time sharing, and I admit my style seems a bit old fashioned, I just wonder if any sane person (let alone a publisher) would come near it with a sixty-foot pole?

 

[Devor]

Hey folks, I've been battling with this question for a while now so what do you think? To begin with, for the longest while my hubby has been my only feedback as I don't get out much. He loves Tom Clancy and parallel history genres, so he's been rather allusive in regard to giving me advice.

I love to rhyme! It's fun playing around with words so that is sounds melodious and it just happens naturally when I write! Yet, he seems to think it's too pervasive so it fuddles with the story and makes it an agonizing read. Since we live in modern times, I'm pondering if people would actually find it interesting or just an annoyance?

I don't think there's anything wrong with rhymes if they work. To me, you should use any of those dramatic flourishes sparingly, and at well-timed moments, instead of whenever they occur to you. You're the author; make them occur to you when you need them.

There is a pretty big caveat, however. A rhyme doesn't just happen and go unnoticed. It becomes part of your narrative voice, and the major trend right now is to establish a deep, limited 3rd person point of view. In that writing style, your narrative voice should be the character's voice, without any authorial flourishes that the character wouldn't use. And very few people think in rhymes.

If it doesn't fit your narrative voice, a good editor would cut it.

The winds of foreboding swept across a bog both ancient and eerie, carrying with it the promise of death. Life had fled this desolate place long ago…shadows and haunts, that’s all that lingered still. So desolate the dreary grey, one could get lost forever. Fleeting hope lived nonetheless, despite knowing these moments may be his last. Hair wild and black as coal, a battered and bloody blur bolted through the mists clad in hide tied with twine, a child of the rock and cleft…one of the Kin’Drallah. Fleeting hope abided still, soaring high and refusing to die. Some say Fate favors the wise, those who trust their guts in the face of the foul. Sure enough, when it jumps, best listen to the whispering words. The small voice that says…Don’t! One day, it just might be the difference between life and death! Now, things are beyond bad. Too late to fix what’s been wrought, it’s all gone so horribly wrong! All I can do is warn, gotta find a way out… find someone! Anyone! Though the miry earth tried to snare him with every step, and the winds howled for his demise, the desperate boy pushed onward for his life…fearing what lurked amidst the bleary pale.

Thanks for sharing. Excerpts for critique normally belong in the Showcase.

Reading this twice, unfortunately I think you have much bigger challenges to figure out than rhyming. In particular, you're being far too abstract in trying to set the mood, using a lot of phrases like "winds of foreboding" and "fleeting hope abided still," without giving them any sort of context for the reader.

You would do better to bring the character to the forefront of the reader's attention, and use the interest your character generates to carry the rest of the narrative. A quick test is your use of verbs - which verbs are attached to your character? Verbs are great at snagging attention.

I don't know if that's the kind of feedback you were looking for but I hope it helps.

 

[JRFLynn]

Hey, thanks for the critique it's much appreciated Sometimes I really do get carried away because it's fun, when I should be more careful and less like the kid next to the nuke button. That serious excerpt is actually the very first paragraph of my prologue, so I tried my best to be vague and elegant...but my fears are probably right and I'm trying too hard to hook the audience on style instead of substance.

For better or worse, any feedback is good in my book XD