Name or pronoun?

[Svrtnsse]

As I'm sitting here hammering away at my WIP I'm finding that I'm almost always using he, him and his when referring to my MC and only very rarely his actual name. This is in a solo scene where he's the only person present so there's no risk for confusing him with anyone else even if I don't use his name.
The issue with just using pronouns is that it gets a bit repetitive so I try to mix it up and swap a pronoun for the name where I feel it fits. This gives rise to another issue. It feels like using the name of the character is a lot more formal than just using the pronoun. I'm trying to go for deep PoV and I feel that whenever I use the name of the character I'm distancing myself from them and looking at them rather than through them.

What are your thoughts on this? As far as I understand it this is something that varies from person to person. Some people often refer to others by their first name whereas others rarely do. I doubt there are any rules about it and it's just a case of going with what feels right for you, but I'm still curious about how you guys do it.


EDIT: I have a hunch we've been over this in the past, but I can't recall what that thread was named.

 

[BWFoster78]

I agree with you about deep POV, but there's really nothing we can do about it. For scenes with multiple characters, we simply have to use the POV character's name (assuming 3rd person), and pronoun use does become repetitive.

When I first started going to my writing group, one of the editors there passed along a piece of style advice - try not to start consecutive sentences, sentences in the same paragraph, or consecutive paragraphs with the same word.

Granted, that's not a "thou shalt not ever do this or your writing is worthless" kind of rule, but it does help prevent your writing from becoming too repetitious. I find that following this advice tends to dictate when I use the name versus the pronoun.

 

[Svrtnsse]

When I first started going to my writing group, one of the editors there passed along a piece of style advice - try not to start consecutive sentences, sentences in the same paragraph, or consecutive paragraphs with the same word.

This is something that I'm trying to stick to as well, hence my concern about things being repetitive. It often leads to me rewriting sentences and paragraphs completely, just to get around it.

The exception is when I'm intentionally doing it as a stylistic choice - usually to try and emphasise something that's a bit intense/overwhelming. That's usually going over the top in the other direction though.

 

[kirai]

Since it's a one person scene, you can get away with a lot more when it comes to pronouns. For example, if you were to describe a MC crying, "The tears stung and burned. They fell like wax from a burning candle. A dryness tore at his throat as sobs sputtered out." My example isn't that great, but hopefully I got my point across. As long as the reader understands that there is only one person in the scene, dropping names and pronouns are not as necessary. I would still do it occasionally if it is a longer scene.

 

[BWFoster78]

kirai makes a good point. Are you deep enough into the POV? Are you starting too many sentences with "the character did this" instead of showing things happening through the character's eyes?

 

[Svrtnsse]

I think I am, but yes, it's still a good point.

 

[Penpilot]

I go by feel. If there's potential for confusion as to who "he" is, then I use the proper noun. If there's no confusion, I'll use "he" more often than not when required. But sometimes it will feel like I need to use the proper noun so I'll use it.

Generally speaking, the reader won't notice the use of the word "he" or the name if it matches up with the flow of the narrative. It has to be absolutely massively over used in a silly manner before a reader will get annoyed. A few paired sentences that start with "he" won't be too noticeable. But the more it happens the more likely it will start to bug a reader.

And also, I agree with karai. Sometimes you really don't need that pronoun. To add to the examples. This one is a bit extreme and won't always work, but it will give you an idea of what can be done. I wrote a story in first person and the character had a distinctive way of talking, so sentences like this. "I didn't care for Mark's attitude" I would write like this "Didn't care for Mark's attitude." because the story directly inside the character's head.

And finally, one way I found for helping me choose between pronoun and proper noun was to read my story when tired. That way I'm not as focused, and it's a little easier for me to get confused by pronouns and things tend to bug me more. So if it doesn't bug or confuse me when I'm tired, I'm generally OK. But word of warning, never make major edits when tired. You'll end up making unnecessary and sometimes disastrous changes.

 

[Caged Maiden]

When I first read the post, I assumed that the POV wasn't deep enough. Perhaps post a sample? We could probably help more.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Initially, I posted this mainly because I was curious to see what others thought. I didn't quite feel that I needed help with PoV. But, who knows, maybe I do. I'm posting the first half of the piece I was working on when the thought struck me. Let me know what you think and where you feel I can make improvements and how.

This is the scene following the one I posted in the showcase forum the other day. The previous scene ended with Enar keeling over on the floor while trying to clean up a jug he'd broken.

The Morning After - contd.

Far away, from beyond a mass of heavy, aching, sand, a knock on the door stung him in the mind. Desperately clinging to the last warmth of sleep Enar woke up, again. He opened his eyes and looked out across the floor; a towel, half a jug and lots and lots of pottery shards.

His shoulder's ached. His hips and knees and legs ached. His back ached. Everything ached and the knocking came again.

Crap.

Rolling over on his back he looked up into the ceiling. The morning had come a long way. Light streamed in through the curtains and outside in the orchard more birds than he could handle bickered about whatever stupid things birds get worked up over. The kitchen floor pressed hard and cold against his back.

“Enar, are you there?” came Linnea's voice from the outside.

“Yes,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I'm awake.” Another breath. Another try. “Yes, I'm awake.”

“Are you okay? Dad said to bring you extra water and make sure you were up.”

Water. He needed water. His mouth still tasted like last week's leftovers after he forgot to throw them out.

“Yes, yes I'm okay.” The words rasped out of his throat. “I'm coming...”

Grumbling, he forced himself up to a sitting position and shook his head to clear it from the haze. Bad idea. His poor brain. He really should learn.

“I'm coming,” he said again and didn't move.

Three deep breaths later he twisted around and, supporting himself against the door frame with both hands, he climbed to his feet. The world spun. Floor and wall, window and kitchen, Enar himself and the hallway with the broken jug – for a brief moment they all got mixed up and he couldn't tell anything apart. Ramming his eyes shut he clung to the doorway, struggling to find his balance and himself.

“Enar, are you okay in there?” a voice cut through from somewhere else.

“Yes!” he shouted, a little louder than really needed. “Yes, I'm fine. Just a moment.”

Breathing slowly to steady himself Enar opened his eyes. The world sat still, the way it was supposed to. Swaying slowly he let go of the wall and shuffled out into the hallway to answer the door.

---

The bit at the beginning where everything aches is intentionally repetitive.

 

[Penpilot]

The Morning After - contd.

Far away, from beyond a mass of heavy, aching, sand, a knock on the door stung him in the mind. Desperately clinging to the last warmth of sleep Enar woke up, again. He opened his eyes (when he wakes up, it's implied that he opened his eyes, so if you word this sentence properly, you might be able to eliminate "He".) and looked out across the floor; a towel, half a jug and lots and lots of pottery shards.

Maybe it's because I'm lacking in a bit of context but that first sentence isn't working for me. There are good individual images in it, but when it's all put together the greater whole isn't clear.

His shoulder's ached. His hips and knees and legs ached. His back ached. Everything ached and the knocking came again.

Crap.

This is a good use of repetition to get a point across.

Rolling over on his back he looked up into the ceiling. The morning had come a long way. Light streamed in through the curtains and outside in the orchard more birds than he could handle bickered about whatever stupid things birds get worked up over. The kitchen floor pressed hard and cold against his back.

I think establishing that he's face down at the beginning is important because my initial assumptions was that he was on his back, so when you have him rolling over, there's a bit of disconnection between me and the story. That last sentences feels like it would fit better if it came right after the first one

“Enar, are you there?” came Linnea's voice from the outside.

I think the bolded part would work better IMHO if phrased like this. "Linnea's voice came from outside."

“Yes,” he croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I'm awake.” Another breath. Another try. “Yes, I'm awake.”

In the bold, It's a little unclear that he failed a second time.

“Are you okay? Dad said to bring you extra water and make sure you were up.”

Water. He needed water. His mouth still tasted like last week's leftovers after he forgot to throw them out.

The first bit about needing water, I think you can do better. Him croaking kind of establishes he already needs water, so with the first bit maybe now have him react to having water brought to him. Is he happy about it? etc. This is personal taste, but the bolded part I think can be removed. To me it's guiding the lilly a little.

“Yes, yes I'm okay.” The words rasped out of his throat. “I'm coming...”

You can probably get rid of the part in bold saving yourself a pronoun "his"

Grumbling, he forced himself up to a sitting position and shook his head to clear it from the haze. Bad idea. His poor brain. He really should learn.

What about his poor brain? How did he feel?

“I'm coming,” he said again and didn't move.

This doesn't feel right. He's reacting to something but there's nothing to react too, so it feels non-sequitur. Now if he's just mumbling it to himself, then establish that.

Three deep breaths later he twisted around and, supporting himself against the door frame with both hands, he climbed to his feet. The world spun. Floor and wall, window and kitchen, Enar himself and the hallway with the broken jug – for a brief moment they all got mixed up and he couldn't tell anything apart. Ramming his eyes shut he clung to the doorway, struggling to find his balance and himself.

“Enar, are you okay in there?” a voice cut through from somewhere else.

A voice? Is Linnea's voice? If it is then just say it's Linnea's voice, because the way it is right now, it makes me think someone else has just entered the scene.

“Yes!” he shouted, a little louder than really needed. “Yes, I'm fine. Just a moment.”

The exclamation point already tells the reader he's shouting, so "he shouted" is redundant. So now you can rephrase if you wanted to eliminate the "he" pronoun. If you wanted you could probably even eliminate the narrative and just have the dialogue.

Breathing slowly to steady himself Enar opened his eyes. The world sat still, the way it was supposed to. Swaying slowly he let go of the wall and shuffled out into the hallway to answer the door.

And finally, to bring this back to the subject of this thread. IMHO as is, the name/pronoun frequency don't stand out for me at all as being an issue.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Thanks for the detailed feedback Penpilot. Very much appreciated.

Some (just a few) of the issues you point out are intended, but even then your comments mean I should review them and try to see if I can clear things up a little.

The previous scene ends with him curling up in a fetal position. Contextually the reader should be aware of this, but as you point out it's not clear from this part.

The "poor brain" part is intended to be applied - shaking your head when really hung over isn't a good idea. The previous scene establishes very clearly that a hangover is very present, but checking over these lines it may not come across. The aching etc, may just be from sleeping on the floor.


Other than that, I have no comments about your feedback other than that I see your points very clearly and agree with them. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

 

[Penpilot]

I'm glad I could help Svrtnsse. Just a small point of clarification on my part. I understood what "poor brain" meant, but I thought there was room here to get across what that felt like.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Thanks for the clarification. I ended up changing that particular part to:

Grumbling, he forced himself up to a sitting position and shook his head to clear it from the haze. Bad idea. His poor skull. The cracks. He really should learn.