Resurrecting an old novel

[Jabrosky]

The following plot outline evolved from a novel I started a couple of years ago and have now considered salvaging. The setting draws heavily from our world's ancient history but is more fantasy than strictly historical.

Spoiler: my story's outline

The Egyptian princess Ouggiri (concept art here) was trained in the martial arts from a young age, but has never received an opportunity to apply her skills during her father Pharaoh Khenti's peaceful reign. That changes when a tribe of desert bandits known as the Crimson Lions attacks Egypt using steel swords that are superior to the Egyptians' bronze weapons. Khenti goes out to punish the bandits only to be killed in battle. A grieving Ouggiri becomes the new Pharaoh with the throne name Sekhmethotep, and she swears to avenge her father's death.

However, Sekhmethotep/Ouggiri knows that she can't crush the steel-armed Crimson Lions without help, so she forges an alliance with the handsome and brilliant Athenian general Cleon. The two leaders are immediately attracted to one another and grow a relationship as they trek across the desert in search of the Crimson Lions' den. Once they finally bump into the Lions and defeat them with the help of Cleon's tactical skills, they find out that their steel swords are of Indian origin. The Lions' ringleader confesses that he acquired the swords from Savriti, an infamous Indian pirate queen who operates from the jungle island of Singapore. Sekhmethotep and Cleon organize an expedition to Singapore, stopping to resupply at the Indian coastal city of Mumbai along the way. The Pharaoh is disgusted by the Indian caste system, which has dark-skinned people ranked underneath lighter-skinned people, and is offended when the Mumbai rajah asks how a black woman like her ever earned a position of power. The rajah reveals that Savriti is his sister and threatens to invade Egypt with his army of war elephants if Sekhmethotep kills her.

Sekhmethotep's expedition reaches Singapore and must traverse treacherous jungle before reaching Savriti's fortress. Recalling a Trojan Horse-style tactic her father once used in a war, Sekhmethotep feigns surrender to Savriti, who invites her and Cleon inside for a recuperatory dinner. Savriti hits on Cleon, which riles Sekhmethotep up and triggers a battle within the fortress. During a swordfight, Savriti calls Sekhmethotep a "black bitch", which makes the Pharaoh explode and kill her---an action she immediately regrets.

The Mumbai rajah eventually finds out about his sister's death and furiously sends his war elephants after Egypt.

[CONTINUED IN NEXT POST]

 

[Jabrosky]

Spoiler: my plot outline, continued

Sekhmethotep and Cleon decide to counter this new threat with their own army of local African elephants, so they hunt down a legendary sorceress who can talk to animals. The sorceress finds Cleon attractive and says she will help them recruit the local elephants on the condition that she gets to sleep with him. Sekhmethotep is reluctant to lend the man she loves to another woman, but she realizes that her country depends on her and agrees to this deal.

A climactic battle between the Egyptian and Indian armies ensues, with Sekhmethotep defeating the rajah in a swordfight that happens on their elephants' backs. Sekhmethotep returns to Egypt a heroine, marries Cleon, and lives happily ever after.

If anyone sees flaws in this outline or has suggestions for how it can be improved, please provide feedback.

To be honest, I'm worried that this might be thematically incoherent and over-saturated with battle scenes (don't get me wrong, I like battle scenes, but I don't want all the fighting to grow stale).

 

[Queshire]

Hm... That seems like it'd be one long ass book...

Frankly, the actions taken in the book strike me as horribly irresponsible.

She's the ruler of a country, why the hell is she galavanting across the world and getting in dangerous situations when she has trained soldiers to do it for her? Same with Cleon, what about his responsibilities to Athens? I'm pre~~~tty sure they wouldn't be happy about getting them wrapped up in a war with India.

Also I don't like Cleon as a whole, it seems a bit marty stu-ish how everybody seems to fall in love with him.

Now, I'm not saying you can't do it, hell, the epic of gilgamesh was about a king shirking his responsibilities to have adventures, but I suggest you should touch on the fact that she's a political leader and what comes with that. I mean, it's not like the president would pick up a machine gun and go around killing terrorists himself.

 

[Jabrosky]

^ I see your points. Also, I reflected back on my outline and realized that the major Indian characters all come across very badly, which makes me feel really guilty. Furthermore, I did some quick online research on color prejudice in India and have learned that it wasn't really inherent in Hinduism (instead being introduced by European colonial invaders) despite what I had previously believed.

 

[ThinkerX]

I can see Sekhmethotep sending Cleon and a top flunky or two out on this expedition, but not going that far herself.

I also have issues with the caste system bit and Sekhmethotep being offended by it. That far back...the caste system was not all that solidly established, and Egyptian society was nearly as bad.

Also, to reach India, they would have to pass close by Mesopotamia, which Egypt had a long mixed history.

 

[Jabrosky]

About the whole idea of royalty traveling far away from their homeland...what if I demoted Sekhy/Ouggiri to a mere princess (albeit still a warrior type) for the bulk of the story? That way, she wouldn't have as much responsibility burdening her as she would if she were a fully fledged Queen.

I'll also ditch the pseudo-historical setting in favor of a pure fantasy one.

 

[Queshire]

Are you making those changes because you want to or because we tell you to? That's the important thing, if you just change something because somebody else tells you to, the quality of your writing is going to fall.

If you want to change it, then I'm all for it. Even for a princess, there's going to be some that will think she shouldn't go, but there'd be a whole lot less tying her down then for a full on monarch. Also, why does she remain just a princess for the bulk o the story? Does the old king hang on, but on his death bed? Does some steward or whatever rule the country until she fullfills some requirement? Does she have an older sibling that becomes the ruler first, only to crack under the pressure and commit suicide? It's important you think about that too, it could also lead to a neat mini-arc about her needing to get control of her country.

Finally, Princesses were generally required to marry for political reasons, marrying for love was rather uncommon. You could find some way to work that into your story.

 

[Amanita]

I hope this doesn't sound too negative but I still want to ask: Wouldn't it be possible to transfer this into a made-up world? I'm not overly familiar with these places and time periods but the characters' behaviour sounds a bit unlikely to me. Especially the high number of female rulers and fighters who don't seem to bother anyone. The entire racism plot under these circumstances might offend people too.
At least in Ancient Athens women in ruling positions where absolutely inacceptable, which makes the whole story between those two seem a bit weird.
I don't think the story contains too many battles or isn't interesting, but taking it out of the world would help in my opinion.

 

[Shockley]

It depends on the type of country and the way the government works. If it's an absolute monarchy, no way she could wander off. Something more representative? Absolutely.

Likewise, she might have to deal with a John Lackland kind of situation.

 

[Caged Maiden]

I really liked the outline. Did it strike me as historically accurate no, but it sounded like a fun and inventive concept. This is the exact reason I write about common people doing extraordinary things.... you don't have to justify their adventure. I think her being royalty is a big deal. What is she was a priestess, someone who held sway and was respected, without being responsible for her country? The masculine/ feminine dynamic you outlined personally sounds fine to me in a fantasy world, unfortunately people will have opinions about that if you set it in historical Earth. Best wishes with this project. It sounds like something I would really enjoy reading.

 

[Jabrosky]

I really liked the outline. Did it strike me as historically accurate no, but it sounded like a fun and inventive concept. This is the exact reason I write about common people doing extraordinary things.... you don't have to justify their adventure. I think her being royalty is a big deal. What is she was a priestess, someone who held sway and was respected, without being responsible for her country? The masculine/ feminine dynamic you outlined personally sounds fine to me in a fantasy world, unfortunately people will have opinions about that if you set it in historical Earth. Best wishes with this project. It sounds like something I would really enjoy reading.

Thanks for the suggestion and the encouragement! I'll start writing it soon.

I think my character would work well as a "warrior priestess" rather like a Kung Fu Shaolin monk.