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Showing conflicting loyalties?

Ireth

Myth Weaver
I have a slight problem with a supporting character in my main WIP, Winter's Queen. The character, Eira, is a servant of the Unseelie King of Faerie, and is ordered by said king to serve the MC, not-yet-princess Ariel, as her personal maidservant.

Eira's character arc involves her forming a fast friendship with the MC, who is about the only person to treat her as a friend rather than a servant; eventually that friendship motivates her to first secretly disobey and then directly stand up to the king when his orders compromise Ariel's safety. Since Eira is not a POV character, or do I intend to make her one, I need a way to show Eira's conflicting loyalties from other points of view.

Especially problematic is the fact that the king in question is not really a bad person; he's actually a reasonable authority figure who understands her desire to just go home and live in peace, while still not being especially keen on doing anything about it, since he figures she's a good match for his son, the villain of the book (who kidnapped Ariel in order to marry her).

While the prince is outright abusive and unapologetic, the king doesn't raise his voice to her or do anything that could be considered "bad" until her actions result in his son being maimed and rendered ineligible for kingship. At that point the king orders Ariel executed for attempted regicide, or so he sees it -- in actuality the maiming is pure self-defense, as the prince had at that point been trying to kill her, but there were no witnesses or anyone else present to corroborate Ariel's side of the story. Eira, out of friendship for Ariel, helps her escape from prison and find her family. When the king and his guards catch up, Eira refuses to stand down and let them take Ariel to be killed, giving others the chance to persuade the king toward mercy as well.

My big question is, is the way I've described it enough to show Eira's conflict, or should I add more into the story to make it clearer?

Tangentially-related note: I intend for Eira to be punished for her insubordination (offscreen), but haven't figured out what such a punishment would entail. Technically Eira is well within her rights to defend Ariel, due to the mutual claim of friendship she and Ariel establish when they meet; for a Fae to harm a mortal claimed by another Fae is very ill-advised, and can be punished in various ways. It's Eira's status as a servant, with a king interfering with her claimant, that makes this a special case.

I'm gonna stop there before this gets too much more rambly. Thoughts and comments are appreciated!
 

K.S. Crooks

Maester
From what you put for me the main conflict is in trying to convince the king his son is evil. By how you describe the king if he knows the justification for Ariel's and Eira's actions he would side in their favor. It is possible to show Eira's conflict through dialogue and actions toward the main characters. Her actions would need to be seen through the eyes of or the effects on the main characters who do have a POV.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
From what you put for me the main conflict is in trying to convince the king his son is evil. By how you describe the king if he knows the justification for Ariel's and Eira's actions he would side in their favor. It is possible to show Eira's conflict through dialogue and actions toward the main characters. Her actions would need to be seen through the eyes of or the effects on the main characters who do have a POV.

Not quite. The main conflict lies with Ariel trying to escape from Faerie; convincing the king of his son's evil is only a minor part of it, until the climax where she realizes the prince is actually plotting to kill the king and take the throne. Naturally she tells the king this ASAP, but he brushes it off until the moment his son actually stabs him in the back (non-fatally, thanks to the MC and her family and friends).

As far as showing Eira's actions through other POVs goes, the only POV available for that is Ariel's. This is made difficult by the fact that Ariel is separated from Eira for a significant portion of the story, most notably when the prince locks Ariel in a dungeon for trying to flee the castle, and she spends a few days breaking her way out. I'm still debating whether Eira would be allowed to visit Ariel in captivity.

The other two POV characters are those of Ariel's dad and uncle; they have their own subplot elsewhere that diverges from Ariel's when she's kidnapped by the prince in chapter 1, and only merges with hers again for the climax. And the uncle's POV is only for a few scenes when he is temporarily separated from Ariel's dad.
 

Heliotrope

Staff
Article Team
Ok, so when I do inner conflict first I identify the conflict and the stakes (consequences). Conflict does not mean anything unless it has high consequences on either side.

So I might do something like:

Eira

Inner Conflict: If she sides with Ariel then she will prove herself brave, trustworthy and a true friend but she could die. If she sides with the King then she will earn herself a spot among the highest order of servants, something she always wanted… but she will never be able to live with herself for allowing her friend to die…

Do you see what I mean? There are pros and cons on each side. This needs to be made perfectly clear to the reader and they need to be BIG.

So if the pro to siding with Ariel is to have a friend, then it needs to be made clear to the reader early on that this is a struggle for Eira. She struggles with making and keeping friends. For some reason she doesn't have any friends, or she is weak and cowardly and never stands up for anyone other than herself, which has caused her to live in isolation as no one trusts her. Through her relationship with Ariel she learns the value of friendship and self sacrifice.

On the flip side, the reader would also need to see her goal, which is to become a member of the highest order of Lady's maids in the King's Palace. Maybe being a maid for Ariel is the King's final test to her, and if she does a good job she will be promoted to a position of authority in the household. She wants this position really badly because she thinks it will prove to everyone who was so mean to her that she has value, and she will be able to boss all them around instead of the other way around. She wants revenge on her bully's, so she vows to the king to do a good job and do whatever he asks her to do.

OK, so at the beginning we might see Eira fighting with some other servants. We would see her loneliness, her fear, her frustration, her cowardess. We would see how no one likes her and how she wants revenge on everyone because she thinks it is there fault that she is lonely… not her own selfishness.

The King pulls her into his thrown room and asks her to look after Ariel. He promises her that if she does a good job she will be promoted, and she sees this as an opportunity to get revenge on everyone that was so mean to her. She vows to do a good job.

Over her time with Ariel she learns the value of friendship and trust, and has to choose between Ariel, or the King.

She realizes that she has been wrong all this time, and after attempting to make up with everyone she ever wronged, she helps Ariel run from the palace, knowing that she will likely be killed.
 
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Nimue

Auror
Sounds like you're going to have to make good use of every scene between Ariel and Eira. The thing is, you can make it a surprise to the reader when Eira shows up and frees her, with perhaps a quick conversation where Eira gives her reasons, but you have to foreshadow Eira's change of heart. In this situation, I might have Eira talking to Ariel with increasing sympathy and belief about the prince's cruelty, but up until the moment where she frees Ariel, she's still always expressing her loyalty to the king and the reasons she can't break her out. That is, give her clear and plausible motivation to free Ariel (a moral, empathetic one), but for reasons of conflict, don't have her say that she'll do anything to get her out until the moment she shows up.

The decision can happen offscreen, as long as the readers can connect the dots without disbelieving or being blindsided by it. You can think about Eira's arc, but at the end of the day, the most important thing is the moments of that arc that show up in Ariel's point of view, because that's what ends up in the story.

I'd also foreshadow the possible punishment when Eira's freeing her. So Ariel protests that the king will have her beaten or what-have-you, but Eira insists that she go. You can leave Eira's fate ambiguous until the end, when everybody's been rescued and Eira's punishment, in context, seems worth it. Er, I feel like that would work only if she hasn't been killed or exiled from her home or maimed or something.

I'm not completely sure if that's answered your question. That is, you described the conflict well, but I've tried to put it into more of a plot-beat form. You've probably already thought of all that, I dunno. Are you looking for specific gestures or things for her to say to illuminate her inner conflict? If so, it'd be good to know more specifics, like the circumstances of the scenes or possible moments of contact between Ariel and Eira.
 

Heliotrope

Staff
Article Team
And yeah, like Nimue says, this would all have to be shown from the POV characters.

So I might do something like:

Ariel arrives at the palace. She witnesses Eira steal something or break something. Eira gets caught and blames it on another servant. The other girl calls Eira out and they fight. Ariel, not caring about anyone at this point, tells them that she saw Eira do it. The other servants shake their heads while she protests that she is innocent. Maybe someone even says "this is why every one hates you Eira." Eira responds with "I hate all of you. I'll get you all back for this! You'll see!"

Later, when Ariel is introduced to her servant it is Eira... So there is already conflict between them.

Ariel finds out later from a conversation with Eira that she was to be promoted.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
Thanks, Helio and Nimue!

I like the way you've outlined things, Helio; I'm just not sure how to tweak it to a) suit Eira's personality and goals and b) not clutter the book with POVs. (Three is almost more than enough in a YA novel, IMO.)

You're right in that Eira doesn't have many (if any) friends; it's not because of cowardice or aggression, but that no one makes the effort to treat her as an equal. It's not that anyone has gone out of their way to wrong her, but they just haven't made the effort to do otherwise. She's a newcomer to the castle, so even her fellow servants don't really know her yet. Her appointment as Ariel's maidservant was initially more for Ariel's sake than Eira's; the king thinks being treated more like a princess from the start will make Ariel more comfortable with staying in Faerie after she marries his son. I definitely see the value in making it important for Eira, too.

Nimue, you've basically nailed how I've been treating Eira's interactions with Ariel so far. The real turning point in Eira's character arc is not the moment Ariel expresses her desire for a friend; it's the moment immediately before Ariel is imprisoned by the prince, and Eira sees first-hand the way he treats Ariel and how motivated Ariel is to escape. Even when Ariel is locked up waiting to be executed, Eira comes to visit Ariel with reassurances that everything will be okay, but doesn't mention her plans to help free Ariel at all.

Specific things for Eira to do or say would probably help. Here's what I have in the relevant scenes so far (spoilered for length):

Chapter 9, scene 1b: Ariel meets Eira, newly assigned as her maidservant. Ariel says she doesn't want a servant, but really needs a friend. Eira says she'd be glad to be Ariel's friend, but still expects to be treated like a servant; anything else would be unsuitable. Ariel says she wouldn't feel comfortable giving orders. The two start to bond by getting to know each other; Ariel mentions that she wants to go home, to which Eira responds "This [Faerie] is your home now." Ariel insists that it doesn't feel that way. Eira helps Ariel get ready for a royal ball that evening. Ariel shows rebellion by choosing a dress that doesn't match the prince's outfit.

Ch. 10, sc. 2: Ariel leaves the ball and talks briefly with Eira as she gets ready for bed. Ariel emphasizes her views of equality with Eira by insisting Eira share her bed (in a non-sexual way) rather than on the floor, as is customary for servants. Eira accepts, and sleeps on top of the covers in the form of a cat (since she's a shapeshifter).

Ch. 11, sc. 4: Ariel, having received a gift of drawing supplies from another kindly Fae named Loegaire, tests them out and sketches her family and human friends. Thinking of them makes her sad and homesick. Eira notices and tries to comfort her; Ariel tells Eira more about them and her relationships with them before changing the subject and sketching Eira instead.

Ch. 13, sc. 3b: Ariel enacts her plan to break out of the castle; she throws away her engagement ring and asks Eira to come "stargazing" with her in the castle courtyard, at which Eira suggests a certain spot out in the woods. Ariel agrees, and they head out, with Ariel fully intending to tell Eira her real intentions once they're out of the castle. The prince finds them and keeps them from leaving; Ariel and Eira both insist they were only going out stargazing, but Fiachra notices the lack of a ring on her hand and realizes she was trying to escape. He threatens Ariel and physically hurts her before taking her to the dungeons; Eira goes to tell the king what happened (offscreen).

Ch. 15, sc. 4: Ariel, having broken out of her cell and subsequently been recaptured, is now in the healing wing prior to wedding preparations. Eira visits her to offer moral support, and gives her a necklace to wear during the ceremony (as it's too valuable for a servant to wear; also it's a means for Eira to scry on Ariel, much like the prince's engagement ring was). Eira then leaves to put together her part of a plan to sneak Ariel out of the castle, in collaboration with Loegaire.

Ch. 17, sc. 1: Ariel is imprisoned again after maiming the prince. Eira visits her and offers emotional support, and secretly takes a piece of Ariel's hair as a component of the escape plan.

Ch. 17, sc. 3: Loegaire sneaks Ariel out of the cell and the castle, disguised as a guard; he leaves a dummy in her place that's Glamoured to look like her, thanks to the hair Eira took from Ariel. Eira meets them in the stables as a horse, and takes them into the woods on her back. They find Ariel's family and a couple other allies who had guided them toward the castle.

Ch. 18, sc. 1c: The king and his guards catch up to Ariel and co., and demand that Ariel be brought back to the castle for execution. Ariel's dad tries to persuade the king to let Ariel go free; Eira and Loegaire stand up for Ariel as well, and for their right to defend her. The king has no chance to answer conclusively before the prince stabs him in the back; then all are focused on protecting the king. Ariel, Eira and another Fae ally tackles the prince away from the king; Loegaire stabs the prince and kills him; Ariel and her family then work together to keep the king from bleeding out. Eira is then ordered to bring word of the events to the Queen, who is far from the castle.

Ch. 19, sc. ?? (not yet written): When the king wakes a few days after the stabbing, he hears accounts of the event from those who were involved. Eira stands by her decision to defend Ariel, again invoking their mutual claim. The king eventually decides to let Ariel and her family go freely back to the Earthworld, and reserves Eira's and Loegaire's punishment until after he's fully recovered.

Ch. 20, sc. 1: Eira and Loegaire help Ariel and her family prepare for going home, and bring them to a rift. Ariel tries to give Eira's necklace back, but Eira insists that she keep it, and promises to check in on her via scrying every so often. Ariel and her family return home.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
And yeah, like Nimue says, this would all have to be shown from the POV characters.

So I might do something like:

Ariel arrives at the palace. She witnesses Eira steal something or break something. Eira gets caught and blames it on another servant. The other girl calls Eira out and they fight. Ariel, not caring about anyone at this point, tells them that she saw Eira do it. The other servants shake their heads while she protests that she is innocent. Maybe someone even says "this is why every one hates you Eira." Eira responds with "I hate all of you. I'll get you all back for this! You'll see!"

Later, when Ariel is introduced to her servant it is Eira... So there is already conflict between them.

Ariel finds out later from a conversation with Eira that she was to be promoted.

Missed your post while I was working on my very long one. ^^;

Your idea has merit, but I don't think it'll work for me. Eira's not the type of person to lie or cheat or steal out of spite. I don't want there to be conflict between Ariel and Eira aside from the loyalties thing. Ariel has enough to contend with on the negative side; having Eira there as her friend is the one unequivocally positive thing about Faerie for her, so I'd rather not ruin that for Ariel.
 

Heliotrope

Staff
Article Team
I know, I didn't mean for you to use the idea :) I just wanted to show how I would construct the inner tension. I'm an examples person, I always need to either have examples or give examples to illustrate what I'm trying to say. I was just illustrating how I would establish goals, stakes etc early on so the reader understood Eira's inner tension. How you do that is up to you. However you can work it to fit the story. But make sure that she has conflicting goals (help Ariel? Or the king?) And makes sure there are high consequences for each that are established early on.
 

Nimue

Auror
I feel like that's all very well-outlined, and I'm not sure what I could add in terms of additional scenes or beats. If you can put a finger on it, why do you feel shaky about Eira and her plot arc? That might help us, uh, help you. So far, I think the motivations and events are pretty well laid out, and as you said, your idea of her arc lies very close to mine.

The one thing that I think would really sell this is a deeper character motivation for Eira. Wanting to help a new, only friend is very human, very universal. But you don't want to be able to switch out any character for Eira. Can you describe her personality? Not much of it is coming through in this outline, besides a basic sense of morals and loyalty. I'd really recommend a trait or event in her background that makes her particularly likely to bond to someone and betray her liege lord.

Does she always protect smaller, helpless creatures or beings? Did she have a family member or friend who was abused by their husband or relative? Did the prince ever wrong her? Was she raised on romantic stories, and has been waiting for the chance to break free of her role and do something good? Is she very stiff and formal on the outside, but a complete softy inside, and nobody has ever cared to break through to her until Ariel?

Maybe that'll ring a bell, but if you could describe Eira in terms of character, it might be easier to come up with further motivation for her.
 

Heliotrope

Staff
Article Team
Yes. I agree with Nimue. I think her motives need to be shown more. Right now I'm not getting anything about inner tension. Everything seems to be coming pretty easy for her.

When I structure a scene I do what I mentioned above for almost all the key players in the scene. State a scene goal for the character. Show the stakes/consequences of not achieving that goal. Give everyone conflicting goals or motives. Don't make it easy on your characters.

Chapter 9 scene 1b:

Ariel

Scene Goal: Prove to Fiacha that she is not afraid of him.

Inner conflict: She is lonely. If she is mean to Fiacha's staff then she will prove her point to Fiacha that she will not come easy, but she risks total isolation. If she is nice to the staff then she risks Fiacha thinking she can be won over, but she will at least have someone to talk to. (I'm thinking Belle from Beauty and the Beast here, not trusting the staff in the Beast's palace. She wants to be friends, but she doesn't trust them, but she is desperate to talk to someone.)

Outer Tension: There is no outer tension in this scene. It seems too happy/buddy buddy/we are friends which is boring for readers.

Eira

Scene Goal: What is Eira's goal in this scene? It does not have to be stated from her POV, but it should be shown in some way. She wants to make the King proud? She wants to impress the new guest? She wants a friend? WHY? What is her goal and why? What is her motive in this scene?

Inner Conflict: Should be based off the goal.

Outer tension: A question I have as well is as a lady's maid, wouldn't Eira be disciplined for allowing Ariel to wear a dress that didn't conform? Wouldn't Fiacha take his embarrassment out on her because that is her job?

I think there are a ton of ways to ramp up the tension in this relationship, give Eira more personality through goals and motivations, and give their relationship more meaningful emotional impact. Right now it is pretty straightforward and Eira's personality is not coming through.
 

Ireth

Myth Weaver
I know, I didn't mean for you to use the idea :) I just wanted to show how I would construct the inner tension. I'm an examples person, I always need to either have examples or give examples to illustrate what I'm trying to say. I was just illustrating how I would establish goals, stakes etc early on so the reader understood Eira's inner tension. How you do that is up to you. However you can work it to fit the story. But make sure that she has conflicting goals (help Ariel? Or the king?) And makes sure there are high consequences for each that are established early on.

I see what you're saying. It's just a bit problematic before the point that "help/serve Ariel" and "help/serve the king" become two different things.

I feel like that's all very well-outlined, and I'm not sure what I could add in terms of additional scenes or beats. If you can put a finger on it, why do you feel shaky about Eira and her plot arc? That might help us, uh, help you. So far, I think the motivations and events are pretty well laid out, and as you said, your idea of her arc lies very close to mine.

The one thing that I think would really sell this is a deeper character motivation for Eira. Wanting to help a new, only friend is very human, very universal. But you don't want to be able to switch out any character for Eira. Can you describe her personality? Not much of it is coming through in this outline, besides a basic sense of morals and loyalty. I'd really recommend a trait or event in her background that makes her particularly likely to bond to someone and betray her liege lord.

Does she always protect smaller, helpless creatures or beings? Did she have a family member or friend who was abused by their husband or relative? Did the prince ever wrong her? Was she raised on romantic stories, and has been waiting for the chance to break free of her role and do something good? Is she very stiff and formal on the outside, but a complete softy inside, and nobody has ever cared to break through to her until Ariel?

Maybe that'll ring a bell, but if you could describe Eira in terms of character, it might be easier to come up with further motivation for her.

I agree about finding a deeper motivation for Eira; I think that's what I've been struggling with for her arc. The formal outside/soft inside seems closest to what I've seen in Eira so far: I imagine she'd have to act formal around the other nobles she served before she was assigned to Ariel, or even higher-ranking servants.

I think also that Eira may have longed for a position in the castle for the prestige it would grant her and her family, only to get there and initially be placed in some lowly position (which I still need to figure out w/r/t hierarchy and the different sort of tasks allotted to the different kinds of Fae*). Being promoted to Ariel's personal maidservant would be a self-esteem boost (not not too big of one; she's still a servant after all), and being asked to be Ariel's friend instead would help her open up/soften up further.

*Note on what I have thus far in castle hierarchy/roles as are relevant/mentioned in the story:

Royalty: The King and Queen are of mixed lineage, Daoine Sidhe and Tylwyth Teg; likewise their children, Prince Fiachra and Princess Meabh
Nobility: Other DS and TT mostly; some kiths such as Pooka have recognized Lords and Ladies who don't dwell in the castle
Guards: Again mixed: DS, TT, Fomorian and Kelpies (the latter serving primarily as mounts for the rest)
Servants:
Daoine Sidhe, Tylwyth Teg: Healers and aides, tailors, washerwomen
Pooka: Servants of the royalty and nobility, sometimes acting as mounts for them or the guards when needed
Brownies: Cooks, scullery workers, menial tasks like cleaning chamberpots and such
 
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