Too much showing?

[Incanus]

The question might be better asked as--too much of the same kind of showing?

I've been revising a short story after spending a year-and-a-half working on rough drafting my novel. My 'showing' skills (such as they are) need a little dusting off, it seems.

In the first scene of the story (about 6 pages), I think I must have about 8-9 instances of the MC doing something physical as he reacts to the scene. He does stuff like fidgeting with a stone, rubbing his neck, scuffing the ground with a toe, lowering his head, running a hand through his hair, and a few others I can't recall at the moment. Most or all of these are accompanied by an internal thought or two.

Does that strike anyone as too much? Or, does it strike anyone as showing too much of the same kind of thing?

(I have until Monday to sort this out, and make any changes.)

 

[pmmg]

I'd not call it too much showing, but it sounds kind of like too many unneeded dialog tags, or too many that are not just 'said'.

If that is your sense, I would look to revise.

Could you post the first six pages up to be looked at?

 

[Devor]

When I see videos with authors and editors talking about this stuff they call it blocking, the little filler actions you put in a scene, probably a borrow from script writing where they have to worry about framing the camera to catch these actions. It's hard to make them interesting, but still realistic, and without getting repetitive or in the way of the scene. Apparently it's the reason for the winking epidemic that's hit certain books.

The way the character sounds in the OP, he sounds like a fidgeter, so if that's not the case there may be too much of it. Often it's better to give the character a small task to handle, like sharpening a sword or petting a horse or something. And you can always pick a few lines to elevate in different ways. Instead of "he fiddled with a stone," it's "he was startled to grind his fingernail against the stone, since he had put it back twice already." Or "the more Ivan talked the more my angst swelled, until I found myself pressing it out as a knot in my neck." That can become another tool to show us more about the character, while also giving you a cue for how to narrow the character's range of blocking.

But eventually blocking is just one of those skills we all have to figure out. I've written scenes doing the same thing. We've all been there.

 

[Incanus]

I'm pretty sure none of these instances are dialogue tags, or dialogue beats (I don't have the story with me at the moment). They generally appear in between the dialogue portions.

They weren't really intended to be 'filler' actions. Most of them entered into the text as a way to replace some 'tells' or unnecessary character thoughts so that the character's attitude can be gleaned from his actions.

While I'm quite sure removing/replacing the 'tells' has helped the narrative, I'm less sure that these kinds of 'shows' are working at their best. Individually they are probably more or less OK, but taken together, there may be a few too many.

On the other hand, the character is young, and a bit impatient. He begins the scene worried, and it escalates from there.

 

[Dylan]

The question might be better asked as--too much of the same kind of showing?

I've been revising a short story after spending a year-and-a-half working on rough drafting my novel. My 'showing' skills (such as they are) need a little dusting off, it seems.

In the first scene of the story (about 6 pages), I think I must have about 8-9 instances of the MC doing something physical as he reacts to the scene. He does stuff like fidgeting with a stone, rubbing his neck, scuffing the ground with a toe, lowering his head, running a hand through his hair, and a few others I can't recall at the moment. Most or all of these are accompanied by an internal thought or two.

Does that strike anyone as too much? Or, does it strike anyone as showing too much of the same kind of thing?

(I have until Monday to sort this out, and make any changes.)

8-9 physical reactions in 6 pages might feel repetitive, like a tic. Mix it up! Replace a few with internal monologue, dialogue, or sensory details (smells, sounds)

 

[The Dark One]

None of those feel like over-showing to me.

What you want is to immerse the reader in your story and tiny visual tags like those don't hurt unless they somehow draw attention to themselves through overuse or being somehow anomalous enough to jolt the reader out of the flow.

 

[xena]

Too much of the same kind of showing can get repetitive. Swap some fidgeting for posture shifts, or how he interacts with the space around him. Let some emotions come through in dialogue or what he notices instead.

 

[Prince of Spires]

Yes. No. Maybe.

It's a stylistic thing that's individual to the author and the story. Some authors have lots of little action beats, others use them sparingly. Some stories require more of them, while others don't need as many. If you have a fidgety character, then you want a lot. If one of them is externally calm and composed then you maybe don't want any and instead want to give us internal thoughts.

Since you're asking the question, it seems like you at least feel it's too much. Dial it back a bit and see how the story reads. It can be that the action beats slow the story down too much and it reads better without them. Or maybe you end up with blank characters in a blank room if you remove them.

 

[pmmg]

Easiest way to assess is to put up a sample.

 

[Incanus]

A tad more about this scene—it is the opening of the story and there are two characters. Much of the scene comes through dialogue, but they also spend time doing something. An original concept central to the story is also introduced and depicted, so I think there is plenty going on. These little physical actions I’m talking about are interspersed throughout.

I have a weekly phone chat with my best writer friend on Fridays, and we will be going over this stuff too.

I’m pretty certain that I don’t want to replace any of this with internal thoughts, because that’s what was there before, and it wasn’t going over well with two readers (including my friend). (On a side note--I seem to be fairly poor at depicting internal thoughts, or, alternatively, the way I think is not very relatable--I'm not clear on this.)

The actions themselves are not particularly repetitive—there is a variety of them. But the showing of these different actions may be somewhat repetitive, or have a similar feel or pattern.

I’m going to finish revising the remainder of the tale, and then go back to look over this scene. It may be enough to trim one here, alter one there.

A sample would help, but I feel like I’m figuring this out well enough, theoretically, through this discussion.

Though I’ve mentioned it elsewhere, this story has already placed high in the Writers of the Future contest, and I am re-submitting. I think it’s in much better shape all around now—but there is always room for improvement.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts on this. It helps me think this through.

 

[pmmg]

Well....I feel a little more restrained from just being on the outside looking in. Its like looking in through smoke glass.

My sense is, if you are feeling it is off, it probably is. And I would look to revise. But...I mean, if you are on the edge of a prestigious award, you must be pretty close with your craft.


Funny, I had a writer friend who did win Writes of the Future, and when they did, it was like they got to spike the ball and quit. They have not written a thing since (so I guess, they were not really a writer of the future...). They say that winning that felt like crossing the finish line and there was nothing more to aspire to.

Guess, I am lucky, cause I don't seem to win anything


And...I also struggle with the formatting for internal thoughts. I kind of want them to be consistent across all the works, but its seems to me, various scenes do not lend themselves to consistency. Sometimes a formal punctuation seems right, and other times it seems cumbersome. I have not settled on it.

 

[Penpilot]

Generally speaking, when you have too much showing without adding context with a bit of telling, you end up with something that's vague. The reader may pick up on what you're trying to say. They may not. But they're never certain. If that's what you want, then cool.

Next, a character that's constantly doing something different physically can come off as twitchy. One thing I do to diagnose if it's too much is to kind act out the scene. Read it and do the physical reactions in sync with the read, and feel out if it's awkward.

Also think about what the purpose of these physical reactions are in the greater context of the scene. In addition, if the scene is kind of static in terms of movement, I try to find something for the character to be doing in the background as the main point of the scene plays out. For example, if you have two police officers discussing the details of a case, you might have them standing in the hall talking. One of them may be fidgeting about reacting to the info being presented. OR you can have the scene play out at the firing range. The reactions to the info can be expressed in how they act firing, reloading, and generally go about their business as they try to hit their targets etc.

I find this works better because the various bits of reaction are tied together by the activity of being at the gun range. This blends them into the background and each action naturally flows into the next while still getting across the emotional elements that you want to convey. If one of the police officers is given an unsettling piece of information while they're shooting, they can slam their gun down on the counter after being off target with all their shots. To me that's better than a grimace or pained expression or some sort.

 

[Incanus]

pmmg--your story about the friend winning at WotF is pretty interesting. My reaction would likely be 180 degrees the other way. I would use that kind of win as credibility for submitting my novel somewhere worthy. For me, my novel is 'where it's at', and I'd work towards getting it into the light of day.

Internal thoughts--the issues people raise with them has little or nothing to do with formatting, but the content itself. I'm going to have to sleep on that one for now.

 

[Fidel]

The question might be better asked as--too much of the same kind of showing?

I've been revising a short story after spending a year-and-a-half working on rough drafting my novel. My 'showing' skills (such as they are) need a little dusting off, it seems.

In the first scene of the story (about 6 pages), I think I must have about 8-9 instances of the MC doing something physical as he reacts to the scene. He does stuff like fidgeting with a stone, rubbing his neck, scuffing the ground with a toe, lowering his head, running a hand through his hair, and a few others I can't recall at the moment. Most or all of these are accompanied by an internal thought or two.

Does that strike anyone as too much? Or, does it strike anyone as showing too much of the same kind of thing?

(I have until Monday to sort this out, and make any changes.)

Honestly? Yeah, it might be a tad overkill. If your MC is basically doing a full-body fidget routine, some of those gestures probably blur together. Maybe trim a few and swap in other ways to show tension, sharp dialogue, environmental details, or even just silence hitting harder. But if it flows naturally when you read it aloud, trust your gut! Deadline panic is the real enemy here