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Quote in paragraph question.

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
I'm working on a conversation at the moment and I've been trying to read up a bit on what to do an not to do. There's a rule about how if a quote is part of a paragraph then only the person speaking should be active in the paragraph. I get the idea behind that, but I found myself breaking the rule here:

“That's dumb. Enar, why do you only have seven days?” Linus stared at him with wide eyes and Enar started feeling a little awkward with all the unexpected attention. With his mouth full of food he couldn't answer and while he chewed fervently the questions kept coming.
Linus is meant to be the one doing the talking and the paragraph starts out referring to Linus but then goes on to be about Enar instead. Personally I feel it's clear enough that it's not Enar speaking, but then I'm the one writing it so I may have a bit too much background insight.

What are your thoughts? Is it okay to break the rule here as it's obvious who's talking or would I be better off rewriting the paragraph?
 

Butterfly

Auror
It is clear, but Personally, I would end Linus line at... 'wide eyes.'

Then have... 'Enar started...' on a separate paragraph...

and continue those questions on another.
 

Penpilot

Staff
Article Team
You could probably get away with it. But IMHO I would break it up and start a new paragraph where Enar starts to feel awkward. To me, there's a beat there that isn't played out with the way it is now. What I mean is ending the paragraph after "wide eyes" and starting a new paragraph leaves the image of Linus staring with wide eyes in the reader's mind for a moment longer, invoking a little bit of that awkwardness Enar feels.

Generally, the last thing mentioned in a sentence tends to stick in the reader's mind more. In this instance, because it's in the middle of the sentenc, that look with the wide eyes gets less notice and leaves less of an impression.
 

A. E. Lowan

Forum Mom
Leadership
Personally, I tend to fudge this rule a bit, but only if I have the non-speaking character making small responses to the speaker, and only if it is absolutely clear who is speaking.

For example...
Etienne paused in consternation. This was supposed to work. He glanced at the white rectangle and brushed it against the black box. Again, the red light refused to change.

Did everything in this place mock him?

He was about to try a third time when he heard, “You new?” from behind him. He turned to face a middle-aged woman with a friendly face, the stench of cigarettes wafting heavily from her. He nodded, not trusting his voice to not choke on the sudden assault on his sensitive sense of smell. She returned the nod in understanding and pulled out her own card. “So many new people lately, huh? Security really needs to get on the ball about the pass keys.” She swiped and the door clicked to green. Etienne opened it and held it open for her. She smiled at his courtesy, and stepped inside. “So… rumor mill has it we’re about to have a major expansion. What have you heard?” she asked in that quick fashion as he followed her into a hallway, dark after the bright sunshine, and she looked back at him with curiosity. English only being one of Etienne’s languages, he heard several terms he did not understand, and so replied with a shrug. She waved negligently in his direction, turning away again. “Well, I guess Grounds Management wouldn’t hear too much, huh?” she said with very mild disappointment.

Etienne gave her back an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I guess not.”

While the woman dominates the conversation, I keep it all one paragraph, interjected with Etienne's non-verbal responses. With the rapid back-and-forth, I think to break up this paragraph just for his movements and shrugging would result in a choppy interchange which wasn't the feel I was going for. Only when Etienne actually speaks do I start a new paragraph.

That being said, I would agree with the others that a natural paragraph break in your selection should come after "wide eyes." This is because Enar's response, while non-verbal, dominates the rest of the section.
 

Xaysai

Inkling
Xayai's eyes widened as he read the original post, and then he shrieked in horror.

"Oh dear, someone bury this post before BWFoster78 sees it or we are all going to get grounded for a week."

He quickly closed the thread.

"I wasn't here. You didn't see me. Got it?"
 

Svrtnsse

Staff
Article Team
"I wasn't here. You didn't see me. Got it?"

"How can I learn to fight the bear if it's sleeping all the time?" said Svrtnsse and poked the bear in the eye.


---
For reference, here's how I changed the paragraph:
“That's dumb. Enar, why do you only have seven days?” Linus stared at him with wide eyes.

Enar started feeling a little awkward with all the unexpected attention. With his mouth full of food he couldn't answer and while he chewed fervently the questions kept coming.

...like everyone said.
 
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