Getting Through a Slow Start

[Twook00]

What are some ways to get a reader through a slow start?

When I say slow start, I mean that the hook does not appear for a few paragraphs (or sometimes pages) in.

Example: I'm writing a story about a super hero who survives the annihilation of mankind. The first scene is him sitting alone outside a bar in Boston, sipping a beer, when he sees a woman walk out of the bar. She's being followed by her drunk boyfriend who won't leave her alone. He grabs her. She slaps him. He smacks her. That's when the protagonist tells him to leave her alone.

The boyfriend ends up swinging a punch at the protags face and tries to headbutt him. The protag grabs him by his throat and jumps into the air. Then... he flies up, up, up with him.

Until this point, the reader has no idea my protag is anything special. It's just him sitting outside a bar, observing a domestic dispute. That said, if someone were to read my first line, "Rhys Ryan sat outside a bar..." would that lose them?

I know lots of stories will start with a very obvious "this is a hook" phrase. So mine could be, "Three hours before humanity was destroyed, Rhys Ryan sat outside a bar..."

What are other ways? I'm not really looking for hooks here, just other avenues to consider. Cut the first few paragraphs? Try using a different scene? What else?

 

[saellys]

I'm a fan of "hook" phrases in very small doses. Your example has a Hitchhiker's Guide sort of absurdist flavor, and if that's where you're going with the whole story, go for it.

Otherwise, the unassuming opening of Rhys outside a bar is just fine, and I don't think a few paragraphs is too long to wait for the revelation that he can fly. If you want to add some flavor, open with some of Rhys's thoughts. Why did he go to the bar that day? Is he waiting for someone? Is he preoccupied with late bills or overdue obligations to friends? Give us a peek into his head and start developing him in seemingly-mundane ways from the very beginning, and then when he starts flying, it'll be that much cooler.

 

[BWFoster78]

You can have a hook without being melodramatic.

The important thing is that you make the reader care about your character and why he's sitting outside a bar.

SO, why is he sitting outside the bar? Is he depressed? Is he waiting for something?

Answer that question, and you may have your solution.

 

[Penpilot]

First IMHO that's a good opening for a story. Second, a hook doesn't have to be just one flashy sentence. It can be the first paragraph, the whole scene. I'd say give yourself one paragraph. Give your reader a question to ponder in that paragraph. You can have the greatest opening line ever and still lose the reader if the first scene stinks overall. If the scene you describe lives up to its potential, I'd say your off to a good start.

 

[Leif Notae]

My real question would be what relevance the woman has with the story. Is she a "cameo" or is she a support character for your protag? If she's a cameo, then it isn't worth the headache to have this happen in the first chapter. Come up with something else that will reveal his power.

The way you have it now, you've lost my interest within the first line. Don't horde your silver bullet. Use it.

 

[Twook00]

My real question would be what relevance the woman has with the story. Is she a "cameo" or is she a support character for your protag? If she's a cameo, then it isn't worth the headache to have this happen in the first chapter. Come up with something else that will reveal his power.

She's a cameo. The scene itself is for revealing his character, but there's some key knowledge I would want to get across in this scene.

1. The protagonist does not want to be a super hero. He has abilities but doesn't see why that makes him responsible for saving people's lives. He's a loner and prefers to spend his time away from people (hence drinking alone outside the bar). In this scene, he's only helping the girl because she's attractive. That's why she is important to me.

In essance he's a typical young guy with an extraordinary gift. He uses it when it benefits him, but otherwise prefers to keep it to himself.

2. This is a short story, so I am expecting things to happen fast: I had planned on the two of them talking and him offering to walk her home. That's when the bad guy shows up and suddenly things go crazy. The girl is trying to talk him into doing something about it, but he doesn't want to. She basically calls him a coward and a jerk and then everything gets zapped and he's knocked out. Next scene, he wakes up and she is dead beside him. So is everyone else.

The way you have it now, you've lost my interest within the first line. Don't horde your silver bullet. Use it.

That's what I'm afraid of. Though I can't expect to please everyone.

 

[Leif Notae]

All right, so a short story is about 5-10k. This means you have to get your point across and your hook within 1% of your piece. That means you sew up this snapshot standard within 50-100 words. You should reach your catalyst moment within about 600-800 words.

From what you have lined up right now, it sounds like this might be an issue. This is why I'm saying don't horde the silver bullet. If you are using them as a prop to show he has superpowers, then don't have him start the piece off. Let this conflict happen and have him intervene, then start complaining about it after the save. This gives:

1. - The standard of the PA world you built
2. - A glimpse of his character as he is now (denying the call to destiny)
3. - A way for redemption/able to use this cameo as a support character if need be.

In other words, the intro have with him sitting there static isn't cutting it. Grumpily intervening might.

 

[Twook00]

I think I follow, although I don't want him saving anyone. In the beginning, he refuses to step in an intervene. As a result, humanity is obliterated and he, being a super hero, survives.

I shouldn't even call him a super hero at this point, because he's not a hero. He's a man with super hero abilities.

The story ends with him tracking down the villain (a maniacal wizard from another dimension) who has a few thousand humans stowed away (the last of them). He's incredibly powerful, and the protagonist has to make up his mind whether he wants to risk his life in order to save the world or keep on living as a fly on the wall.

To your point, though, maybe I could follow the "in late out early" rule and begin with him breaking into the wizard's lair. All the rest can be woven in as backstory.

 

[Twook00]

Give us a peek into his head and start developing him in seemingly-mundane ways from the very beginning, and then when he starts flying, it'll be that much cooler.

I like this idea. A nice twist. Especially given the fact that he doesn't really want to help, which is not typical superhuman behavior.

He's proactively refusing to be active. Is that possible?

 

[Leif Notae]

Yee... Um, you might want to hold off on overloading the backstory.

So, is there a reason why you don't want him in the midst of conscripted salvation? That might be why you're having a problem, your start is already right there.