How's this description?

[Addison]

This felt rough to me. Maybe overdoing or underdoing it, not sure. What do you think?



"The bonfire burst. Everyone screamed as the flames breached to the sky and swept above the trucks. The forked tongues grazed the party-goers with spitting hisses. The flames surged into the air. The top bent from a tangle of flames to the shape of a long, horned head. The fire-head parted like jaws. The flames rushed down, tangling into a long neck and fat belly. They hit the logs with a loud boom that sent them back up as two flaming wings. The flaming dragon twisted higher into the air and arched back for a strike. The smoke-black eyes honed on Nick as he fell to the ground."

 

[Steerpike]

Addison:

Keeping the same general style you have, I think you can improve this by reducing some of the repetition (multiple sentences in a row all starting with 'the,' for example). Also, you could combine a bit. The changes below are an example and not meant to imply that you should write it this way. Just illustrating a point.

"The bonfire burst. Everyone screamed as the flames breached to the sky and swept above the trucks. The Forked tongues grazed the party-goers with spitting hisses. The Flames surged into the air. The top bent from A tangle of flames at the top bent to the shape of a long, horned head. The fire-head parted like jaws. The Flames rushed down, tangling into a long neck and fat belly,. They hitting the logs with a loud boom that sent them back up as two flaming wings. The flaming dragon twisted higher into the air and arched back for a strike. The Smoke-black eyes honed on Nick as he fell to the ground."

 

[Quillstine]

Addison has done an awesome job. Maybe this also?

Addison:
A tangle of flames at the top bent to the shape of a long, horned head, parting like jaws.

Or something to that effect. Sorry don't know how to use the fancy strikes etc...that Addison has!
I feel so guilty correcting others writing, so know it's only a suggestion and probably wrong!

 

[Addison]

Don't worry Quillstine. I felt guilty my first time but all critique is always appreciated. Thank you.
So here's my new description.

The bonfire burst. Everyone screamed as flames breached to the sky and swept above the trucks. Forked tongues of fire grazed the party-goers with spitting hisses. The fire surged into the air. A tangle of flames bent high in the air to the shape of a long, horned head. The fire-head parted like jaws. Flames braided down into a long neck and fat belly, hitting the logs with a boom that sent them back up as two giant wings. The flaming dragon twisted higher into the air and arched back for a strike.

Better?

 

[Scribble]

Everyone screamed as flames breached to the sky and swept above the trucks.

I find it a little jarring to have the cause and effect reversed when using "as" to show two things happened at the same time. It also dampens the action.

I don't think "breached" works as the verb here, maybe try another?

Forked tongues of fire grazed the party-goers with spitting hisses.

Love this! But, not sure "grazed"... why not "licked" or "licked at" and complete the metaphor?

The fire surged into the air.

I think it would be stronger if you dropped "The".

A tangle of flames bent high in the air to the shape of a long, horned head.

I think "twisted" might work better than "bent". I see you use "twisted" further down, but my opinion it would make this sentence better.

The fire-head parted like jaws. Flames braided down into a long neck and fat belly, hitting the logs with a boom that sent them back up as two giant wings.

Interesting and startling image, but the sentence ends a bit awkwardly. At first I thought you were going to describe consequent action "as two giant wings... what?" Maybe "into" instead of "as"??

The flaming dragon twisted higher into the air and arched back for a strike.

Hot stuff! (pun intended )

 

[Addison]

Trying to figure out how to multi-quote like that. Hang on!

 

[Scribble]

mmm...So maybe switch the beginning and end of the sentence or ditch the "as". Got it.

Worth a try

I don't think "breached" works as the verb here, maybe try another?
I agree....not sure what else would work. I visioned it like how a whale breaches from the ocean. What's another good word for that?

Tricky... "burst into the night air" popped into my head, also "surfaced". Hmm...

I think it would be stronger if you dropped "The".
I tried that but, as the sentences before were flame and fire heavy I put in a "the" to break it up a bit. Guess it didn't work huh?

A few more "fire" words to consider: scorch, combustion, glow, sparks, flare, char, blaze, sear, conflagration, inferno, furnace, ember...

Maybe curled? Writhed?

Writhed sounds good.

 

[Addison]

I find it a little jarring to have the cause and effect reversed when using "as" to show two things happened at the same time. It also dampens the action.

I don't think "breached" works as the verb here, maybe try another?
I see how to fix the first sentence. But the breach.....hmmm, I saw the fire rising like how a whale breaches from the ocean. What word could do better?



Love this! But, not sure "grazed"... why not "licked" or "licked at" and complete the metaphor?
I like it!


Either my multi-quote button isn't working or I'm not doing it right.



I think it would be stronger if you dropped "The".
Hmm, yea. At first I thought I needed a the to break up all the "flame"s and "fire"s.



I think "twisted" might work better than "bent". I see you use "twisted" further down, but my opinion it would make this sentence better.
Curled? Writhed?


Interesting and startling image, but the sentence ends a bit awkwardly. At first I thought you were going to describe consequent action "as two giant wings... what?" Maybe "into" instead of "as"??

Gotcha.



Hot stuff! (pun intended )

Thanks Scribble!

 

[Bruce McKnight]

I'm with the general consensus that it's not too much in terms of volume, but it could be tightened in terms of structure. For what it's worth, he's my version (which is little more than a couple tense and structure changes and the removal of some articles):

The bonfire burst. Everyone screamed, flames breached the sky and swept above the trucks. Forked tongues grazed party-goers with spitting hisses. Flames surged into the air, the top bending from a tangle of flames to the shape of a long, horned head. The fire-head parted like jaws. Flames rushed down, tangling into a long neck and fat belly, hitting the logs with a loud boom that sent them back up as two flaming wings. The flaming dragon twisted higher into the air and arched back for a strike. Smoke-black eyes honed on Nick as he fell to the ground.

 

[Scribble]

Either my multi-quote button isn't working or I'm not doing it right.

I dunno if there is a short way to do it, so I just reply with the entire text and pop the QUOTE tags in myself, using the little button on the toolbar that looks like a text balloon. I select the text and click that thing, and it surrounds the text with the tags.

Works for me

 

[Scribble]

I'm with the general consensus that it's not too much in terms of volume, but it could be tightened in terms of structure. For what it's worth, he's my version (which is little more than a couple tense and structure changes and the removal of some articles):

The bonfire burst. Everyone screamed, flames breached the sky and swept above the trucks. Forked tongues grazed party-goers with spitting hisses. Flames surged into the air, the top bending from a tangle of flames to the shape of a long, horned head. The fire-head parted like jaws. Flames rushed down, tangling into a long neck and fat belly, hitting the logs with a loud boom that sent them back up as two flaming wings. The flaming dragon twisted higher into the air and arched back for a strike. Smoke-black eyes honed on Nick as he fell to the ground.

This is a very good suggestion, particularly for an action scene. I find my first drafts are bloated with unneeded articles and such. Cutting these words makes for confident, decisive action.

Not off tangent, I hope, but John Grisham is a good example of writing lean and mean. I'm not a huge fan of John Grisham in particular, but his prose impresses me as each line carries a lot of weight.

I devoured The Firm in one day's read. In one paragraph we learn a boatload about McDeere, the Firm, and foreshadow what lies in store for him if he takes the job, what kind of people they are. I don't even like legal stories, and there are other problems with the story's end in my opinion, but this one shines out for me as a powerful story beginning. In particular, note the SENIOR PARTNER is unnamed - OMINOUS.

Tight, tight, tight.

THE SENIOR PARTNER studied the résumé for the hundredth time and again found nothing he disliked about Mitchell Y. McDeere, at least not on paper. He had the brains, the ambition, the good looks. And he was hungry; with his background, he had to be. He was married, and that was mandatory. The firm had never hired an unmarried lawyer, and it frowned heavily on divorce, as well as womanizing and drinking. Drug testing was in the contract. He had a degree in accounting, passed the CPA exam the first time he took it and wanted to be a tax lawyer, which of course was a requirement with a tax firm. He was white, and the firm had never hired a black. They managed this by being secretive and clubbish and never soliciting job applications. Other firms solicited, and hired blacks. This firm recruited, and remained lily white. Plus, the firm was in Memphis, of all places, and the top blacks wanted New York or Washington or Chicago. McDeere was a male, and there were no women in the firm. That mistake had been made in the mid-seventies when they recruited the number one grad from Harvard, who happened to be a she and a wizard at taxation. She lasted four turbulent years and was killed in a car wreck.

He looked good, on paper. He was their top choice. In fact, for this year there were no other prospects. The list was very short. It was McDeere or no one.