I'm having serious problems with a passage. Help!!!

[BWFoster78]

Justav eyed both Lainey and Dylan, and his face grew stormier.

He knows they’re accessing the source. There’s a way to detect it.

Xan viewed the catcher and his two men through his connection. None displayed a colored aura. The lack didn’t surprise him.

He propelled his consciousness through the tunnel connecting him to the magic lake. He slipped from the passage into the immense store of power, noting that a barrier prevented the energy from flowing into him. It holds there waiting for me to call for it.

As he moved away from the tunnel mouth, he felt a tug. That’s it. If you’re open to the magic, you pull it toward you while at the same time blocking it.

I’ve been working on this passage for two days and just can’t seem to get it right. Here’s what I’m trying to do:

There’s this tense situation. The bad guy, Justav, is after Xan and his friends because they can do magic, and he’s the catcher, the one who finds magic users and executes them. Xan has an army of soldiers at his back, but Justav, who has only himself and two guys, seems unconcerned. Xan is stymied as to why.

From Justav’s attitude and other evidence, Xan figures that Justav and his two cohorts have to be mages themselves. He surreptitiously has his friends get ready to use magic. As soon as they access the source, however, Justav kind of glares at them.

If someone is actively using magic and you’re looking at them, you see this aura which, helpfully, also tells you what type of mage they are dependent on the color. If you’re accessing the magic source but not doing anything with it, however, there’s no indication. Or, rather, not an indication that Xan knows about.

Since Justav reacts when Dylan and Lainey, presumably from Xan’s POV, access the source, Xan figures that there has to be a way to detect the access. The rest of the passage is what I’m having trouble with: describing his search. I need to have it make sense so that the reader can understand it, but I don’t want to go into so much detail that it’s mind-numbingly dull.

Here’s the concept:

Mages are connected to the magic source by tunnels that allow the magic to flow into them. I’ve likened the source of magic to a huge lake and the flow to water that the mage can turn on and off with a metaphysical spigot.

I want to show Xan delving through the tunnel and hovering at the edge of the connection to the magic source. I need for there to be some kind of physical or mental indication that there’s a tunnel there, but I need for the indicator to be subtle because he’s not noticed it before – the kind of thing that’s easy to pick up if you’re looking for it but easy to overlook if you’re not.

My first idea was to have him feel a tug when he sends his consciousness to that point. From a physical standpoint, however, I’m not sure the tug makes sense. Maybe it’s a manifestation of the magic’s desire to escape from the lake even though the closed spigot prevents it.

Once he finds this indicator, he can sort of overlay his vision of the lake with the physical world that he can see. The lake will hit the other mages at their points of connection, and he’ll be able to detect that they’re connected.

Any thoughts?

EDIT: Secondary Question - I kind of dislike having a thesis statement for a paragraph in fiction writing, meaning one that tells what's going to happen followed by the rest of the paragraph showing it. I find these in my writing all the time, though. Usually, I get rid of them, but, this time, I thought I'd get a second opinion.

The already tense atmosphere heightened. Swords slid upward from their protection. Bowstrings lost their slack. Xan cast an impatient glare at Brant, who still struggled.

Is this:

a. Horrible
b. Not advised, but it works okay
c. A good thing

 

[JCFarnham]

You're idea is sound, but I fear to go into it in even this amount of detail during a tense action scene is wrong. If the pace of the rest of the scene stands up to that passage then that's fine, but slowing it down to explain Xan's search might be too much like putting on the metaphorical breaks.

You can include it and pace it well, but the fact your asking here tells me you're having trouble (aren't I clever aha). I'll be honest. I think I'd need to read the context here. It did feel better on a second read if that helps...

Perhaps this: Focus on the confrontation and distance yourself from the exploration. It's a lovely image for sure, but I don't think it's place is here. Everything up until the "detection" line is good. Keep on that line. A bit of dialogue perhaps. I don't know ... Xan isn't hiding is he. Is pausing to explore the magic at work such a good thing to do with an army at your back? I'd like to see a bit more character in this passage, more tainted by the back ground I know Xan has, you know? Could help.

 

[BWFoster78]

You're idea is sound, but I fear to go into it in even this amount of detail during a tense action scene is wrong. If the pace of the rest of the scene stands up to that passage then that's fine, but slowing it down to explain Xan's search might be too much like putting on the metaphorical breaks.

Great point! It does break the tension.

You can include it and pace it well, but the fact your asking here tells me you're having trouble (aren't I clever aha). I'll be honest. I think I'd need to read the context here. It did feel better on a second read if that helps...

What I need is a way to keep the tension high as he struggles to determine how to detect the magic potential. I think I can do this by coming up with a reason that his determining it is crucial. Right now, the only thing driving it is intellectual curiosity.

Perhaps this: Focus on the confrontation and distance yourself from the exploration. It's a lovely image for sure, but I don't think it's place is here. Everything up until the "detection" line is good. Keep on that line. A bit of dialogue perhaps. I don't know ... Xan isn't hiding is he. Is pausing to explore the magic at work such a good thing to do with an army at your back? I'd like to see a bit more character in this passage, more tainted by the back ground I know Xan has, you know? Could help.

Maybe this is one of those places that Steerpike goes on about where I need to tell instead of show. By summarizing him finding the method in a short sentence, I don't have the paragraphs away from the significant situation.

 

[BWFoster78]

Okay, this still needs some work, but is this better?

The duke drew up to his full, nearly seven foot, height. “Not even my queen would dare dispute my claim of protection. I care little for your treaty.”

“I must insist. Release both these men to my custody.” Justav’s voice rose. “If you refuse, I’ll be compelled to take them by force.”

All around, soldiers’ eyes narrowed on the catcher, and hands tightened on weapons. Justav didn’t so much as flinch. Dozens of archers trained arrows on the three men, and still the catcher appeared confident in his ability to prevail.

Duke Asher’s gesture incorporated the totality of his forces. “Against this?”

Justav and his men must be mages. It’s the only way to challenge the duke. Xan calculated the odds of who would win if three magic users fought more than a hundred armed men. It didn’t look good for the soldiers.

He studied his friends. None of them appeared ready to use their magic. Lucan did.

Is it me and him against Justav’s force or four against me?

Justav sneered. “I will do what I must do regardless of the odds or the cost.”

Xan caught Brant’s attention with a subtle gesture and shut his eyes tight, trying to mime intense concentration. Brant nodded. Xan directed stares at both Lainey and Dylan, and Brant nodded again.

As Justav and Duke Asher postured and glared at each other, Brant approached the other two friends, whispering in their ears. They each nodded in turn.

Four against three, if I count Lucan. Brant’s face scrunched in concentration. Hopefully five soon.

“Bold words,” the duke said.

Justav’s darted to Dylan and to Lainey. His face grew stormier.

He knows they’re ready. There’s a way to detect it.

Xan viewed the catcher and his two men through the magic. None displayed a colored aura. The lack didn’t surprise him. An exploration of the tunnel connecting him to the source revealed a tug that he’d never noticed. That’s it.

He shifted his attention to the catcher and his men. All three maintained an active link to the magic. If they launch into an attack and catch us unprepared...

Justav smirked. “To be followed by bold actions, hence my appellation.” His forehead creased. “I—”

“My lord,” Xan said, “all three of these men are mages, and they’re preparing to use their abilities.”

Justav surged forward a step toward Xan. “I am of noble birth. I do not have to listen to dispersions cast by such as these.”

The duke ignored the posturing and looked to Lucan for confirmation.

“It’s true, my lord.”

The already tense atmosphere heightened. Swords slid upward from their protection. Bowstrings lost their slack. Xan cast an impatient glare at Brant, whose face still reflected his struggle to access the source.

“My lord, Justav” — Xan spoke the name as if the each syllable offended him — “showed up right after your man was killed.”

The catcher barked a sound that came out half laugh and half growl. “You accuse me of murdering one of the duke’s men? Take care how you address your betters, boy.”

Xan opened his mouth, but the duke cut him off. “We’ve suspected Duke Irdrin of working with King Barius for some time. Interesting, isn’t it, that a young man shows up claiming Dastanar is building a force of mages and a catcher following him, also from Dastanar, is accused himself of wielding magic. It’s almost enough to make an old duke believe young Xan’s conspiracy theories.”

Justav sneered. “There’s no proof. All you have are the ravings of a man trying to escape execution and the ramblings of a madman.”

The duke shrugged. “Enough to warrant further investigation. Remove yourself from my city. If you’re caught within these walls, I’ll sever your head from your body myself.”

Justav narrowed his eyes at the duke.

Xan felt a surge of power enter the catcher. Lucan’s hand flew to his chest, and his knees buckled. Xan igniting a twig lying on the ground in front of the catcher. A ball of flame burst from it, causing Justav to step back.

Xan stepped in front of the duke. “It’s seven against three. Even if you think I’m too untrained to hurt you, quantity is its own power.”

His face alive, Brant stepped forward. A nearby rock disappeared into the ground leaving a cloud of dust. Ashley and Tasia took the cue and stepped forward as well. Justav had no way of knowing neither of them had any idea how to use magic. Perhaps their mere potential would provide a deterrent.

The catcher’s eyes darted from mage to mage. He looked at the soldiers surrounding him and at the enraged duke. Lucan gasped in air and straightened.

“Perhaps I spoke in haste, my lord. I do not desire to cause offense.” Justav turned and walked away, followed by his two men.

 

[Twook00]

Is there any reason why Xan has to figure out that Justav can use magic at this moment? And if so, is there not another way he could do it? What if Justav just uses it then and there, wreaks havoc and shocks everyone?

Justav comes in. He's outmatched and outnumbered, yet he remains confident. Xan is considering this. Is this man insane? Doesn't he know he cannot stand up to an entire army by himself? But Justav is undeterred. One of the Duke's men says "You're a fool. The three of you want the boys? Take them." Someone laughs.

Justav says something like, "If you insist." And then... BAM! Magic. And after, Xan is left with a whole new set of questions.

I am assuming a lot of things about the story here, and understand that you probably have very good reasons for doing what you are doing. Just throwing that out there. I did enjoy reading it!

 

[BWFoster78]

I did enjoy reading it!

Thanks!

Is there any reason why Xan has to figure out that Justav can use magic at this moment?

It does not have to be at this moment. Do you feel that, as written, it interferes with the pacing?

Xan suspects Justav of being a mage already. I also want to show Xan learning nuances of magic use, demonstrating that he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does and setting up a situation later on.

 

[Twook00]

I think reading this out of context may have confused me and affected the pacing. Reading it now, it feels much smoother.

Duke Asher’s gesture incorporated the totality of his forces. “Against this?”

Justav and his men must be mages. It’s the only way to challenge the duke. Xan calculated the odds of who would win if three magic users fought more than a hundred armed men. It didn’t look good for the soldiers.

I feel like another sentence should be added between these two lines. Something to act as a segue. Could be me though.

He knows they’re ready. There’s a way to detect it.

The first time I read this, I thought you were trying to inform the reader that the magic can be detected. I didn't realize that Xan was discovering this. Maybe if it said "There must be a way to detect it."

Xan felt a surge of power enter the catcher. Lucan’s hand flew to his chest, and his knees buckled. Xan igniting a twig lying on the ground in front of the catcher. A ball of flame burst from it, causing Justav to step back.

This sentence confused me a bit. Not sure where the twig came from. Are they outside? Again, I bet this is because I am reading the scene out of context.

 

[BWFoster78]

I feel like another sentence should be added between these two lines. Something to act as a segue. Could be me though.

Yeah. I'm trying to incorporate the action in between Xan's thoughts. I'm not sure how well it's working. Maybe a more one to one ratio of thoughts to action would be better.

The first time I read this, I thought you were trying to inform the reader that the magic can be detected. I didn't realize that Xan was discovering this. Maybe if it said "There must be a way to detect it."

Noted. I'll try to clear up the confusion.

This sentence confused me a bit. Not sure where the twig came from. Are they outside? Again, I bet this is because I am reading the scene out of context.

I think the context is the problem. The surge of power is Xan sensing Justav preparing to loose power. The sentence with Lucan is Justav's attack on him (though this could be made clearer). They are outside.

 

[gavintonks]

Gustav anger boiled up at the sight of what Lainey and Dylan were up to.
"Those heathen bloodsuckers," he thought which made him want to walk across and rip his throat out, even if he was using the source. His tingling nape told him clearly what the degenerates were up to.

Gustav frustration blazed through the link, and not even Xan could detect the missing colored aura.This just was not right, I felt. [not sure who and where the pov is, as this will help bind the scene and perspective

Gustav rage easily gave him the power for his consciousness to travel through the tunnel under the magic lake. the source of power waited, enticing it had never been so easy, "I need to get him angry more often." he smiled at the opportunity and his body hungered for the power.

The barrier burned and tingled he wanted to withdraw but the desire was too great, his hand were in fire and his face felt like it would melt but once through no opiate drug could make you feel like this.

"This is mine all mine," he shouted selfishly inside the maelstrom of power.



As he moved away from the tunnel mouth, he felt a tug. That’s it. If you’re open to the magic, you pull it toward you while at the same time blocking it. He sensed it waiting. it knew he would come, it was his. he felt like laughing now

adding emotional iq to give depth to the scene and character to make us understand more their decisions and what drives them just my opinion - good luck with the story

 

[Caged Maiden]

This is a tricky scene. On the one hand, you have a complicated idea to get across to the reader, and it is happening in a tense situation, where more is going on than just one man musing about how the magic is working.

I think the second version, regarding that point, works much better than the first. Now, admittedly, it is hard to read this without reading the preceding chapter or whatever, but I think, judging based solely on the questions you asked, the second version is much more clear.

However, in the second version, there is now a lot more going on than there was in the first. Were those events/ dialogues in the original as well, and just nor posted?

My reason for asking, is that in the second one, the dialogue got confusing for me, almost like a little dancing around the point, and it sounded a tad unnatural to me. That, however, might just be because it's hard to jump right into a scene like this and immediately feel captivated by the action of the moment. So that's call you need to make. But for me, the dialogue seemed a little meandering and maybe not as clear as it could be:

Justav surged forward a step toward Xan. “I am of noble birth. I do not have to listen to dispersions cast by such as these.

”

I think the word you meant is aspersions.

“My lord, Justav” – Xan spoke the name as if the each syllable offended him – “showed up right after your man was killed.”

I'd probably look at this sentence. "My lord," Xan said. He spoke the catcher's name as though each syllable offended him, "Justav, here, showed up right after your man was killed."

Xan opened his mouth, but the duke cut him off. “We’ve suspected Duke Irdrin of working with King Barius for some time. Interesting, isn’t it, that a young man shows up claiming Dastanar is building a force of mages and a catcher following him, also from Dastanar, is accused himself of wielding magic. It’s almost enough to make an old duke believe young Xan’s conspiracy theories.”

This one just went on a little long. Could you break it up with a little action from the duke? A throat or chin scratch? Just a suggestion. I felt like I needed that small moment to let the words sink in as I was reading it.

Okay that's all I got, I think the second version was pretty good, but my confusion might just be because the scene is in tht middle when we're reading it.

 

[BWFoster78]

Okay that's all I got, I think the second version was pretty good, but my confusion might just be because the scene is in tht middle when we're reading it.

Good suggestions.

You're right about aspersions. That's the 2nd time I've messed that up recently. Doh!

You're right about the sentences as well, especially the first. I didn't really like "My lord, Justav" cause it sounds like My lord Justav.

I dialogue existed before to an extent, but I added some to try to create tension. Before I had: Justav speaks. A long block where Xan acts internally. Duke speaks. I tried to improve the flow, but it still needs work.