Is "now" needed here?

[BWFoster78]

Here's the sentence:

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though now the moon hid behind clouds.

Admittedly, this is a tiny issue that doesn't make all that much difference, but I think "now" is needed to contrast the difference between this instance of creeping through the woods and the previous one. One of my beta readers feels that the word doesn't add anything and, thus, should be deleted.

I thought about:

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though the moon hid behind clouds this time.

This approach, however, left me with more issues:

The repetition of "time."
Using more words to say the same thing.
The concept of getting substituting just to avoid using a particular word.

What say you?

 

[Steerpike]

I think the first one reads better and works just fine for me. The word 'now' told me that the last time he crept through the forest the moon wasn't hidden. The second sentence is not as effective.

 

[Aidan of the tavern]

Now is better than last time, in my opinion, but does it actually relate to an earlier mention of the moon's position?

 

[Steerpike]

Now is better than last time, in my opinion, but does it actually relate to an earlier mention of the moon's position?

Even if it doesn't, it is implied in my view. If he mentioned the moons visibility earlier, then OK. But if it wasn't mentioned earlier and this is the first mention of the creeping through the forest, it still works in my view. This would even work as an opening sentence, where there can have been no prior mention of the moon.

 

[Aidan of the tavern]

Even if it doesn't, it is implied in my view. If the mentioned the moons visibility earlier, then OK. But if it wasn't mentioned earlier and this is the first mention of the creeping through the forest, it still works in my view. This would even work as an opening sentence, where there can have been no prior mention of the moon.

Yes, I suppose so.

 

[BWFoster78]

I got a little confused during that exchange.

The novelette opens:

Auggie crept through the moonlit forest.

I follow later with:

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though now the moon hid behind clouds.

Should I replace that second sentence with:

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though the moon hid behind clouds.

Thanks!

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I got a little confused during that exchange.

The novelette opens:

Auggie crept through the moonlit forest.

I follow later with:

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though now the moon hid behind clouds.

Should I replace that second sentence with:

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though the moon hid behind clouds.

Thanks!

I don't think it's a major concern to keep it as originally written. However, if it were me, I'd probably cut the word "though" in that last option.

For the second time that night Auggie crept through a forest, the moon now hidden behind clouds.

Or something of that nature....

 

[Sinitar]

I'd split it into two sentences. One describes what Auggie is doing, the other describes the setting.

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a(why not 'the forest'? If it's the second time, I assume it is the same forest that she crept through earlier.) forest. The moon hid behind <Adjective that gives us an idea about how dark it is: Thin, thick, and so on> clouds.

 

[BWFoster78]

I don't think it's a major concern to keep it as originally written. However, if it were me, I'd probably cut the word "though" in that last option.

For the second time that night Auggie crept through a forest, the moon now hidden behind clouds.

Or something of that nature....

I think I prefer the "though" left in. Thanks though!

 

[BWFoster78]

I'd split it into two sentences. One describes what Auggie is doing, the other describes the setting.

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a(why not 'the forest'? If it's the second time, I assume it is the same forest that she crept through earlier.) forest. The moon hid behind <Adjective that gives us an idea about how dark it is: Thin, thick, and so on> clouds.

I can certainly see your point, but the sentence as a whole demonstrates contrast and parallel structure to the start of the story. I think breaking it up would lose some of that.

It's a different area, though that does bring up the question of whether it's the same "forest."

 

[Penpilot]

I agree now is needed and does add a something. If you just drop the now the sentence doesn't even read right, at least to me.

The original sentence is clear, it flows, and it works.

 

[Leif Notae]

Context is key but:

I'll play the devil here and say neither is correct or needed.

This is a perfect spot for inner monologue if Auggie is alone, or at least some quite conversation if he has someone else with him/her (sorry, unsure of sex here).

You have a chance to show a little more character with a line of inner dialogue, but again it is context here more than anything. I'm not sure what happens before or what happens after.

 

[BWFoster78]

Context is key but:

I'll play the devil here and say neither is correct or needed.

This is a perfect spot for inner monologue if Auggie is alone, or at least some quite conversation if he has someone else with him/her (sorry, unsure of sex here).

You have a chance to show a little more character with a line of inner dialogue, but again it is context here more than anything. I'm not sure what happens before or what happens after.

Contextually, I'm pretty happy with the overall purpose of the sentence.

 

[Leif Notae]

Then I am glad it works out for you.

However, never pass up the opportunity to show some more character if it is needed.

 

[A. E. Lowan]

I think your original sentence works just fine.

"For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though now the moon hid behind clouds."

It works well on a couple of different levels. "A forest" implies that this is a different forest than the one he was in earlier (I am assuming gender, here), and "now" indicates difference from before, though it is more natural to assume that "now" will be followed by a description of the difference between the new forest and the old. Also, you might want to think about issues of light in navigation at night. You may have already thought of this, but if you stick with the moon description you may want to use the next sentence to describe how very hard it is to navigate in a forest when the moon is covered. I live in dense woods in a rural area, and I call tell you that when the moon is covered, it is very dark indeed!

 

[Zero Angel]

For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, though now the moon hid behind clouds.

I completely agree that "now" is needed and "a" tells us that it is a different forest.

However, I think maybe the reason the beta reader said something about this wasn't so much the now, but rather they were trying to help the sentence flow easier. It feels slightly awkward. I would phrase it thus:

Auggie crept through a forest for the second time that night, though now the moon hid behind clouds.

 

[Steerpike]

"Auggie crept, crawled, inched or otherwise ambulated (hereinafter referred to collectively as "creeping") through a forest for a second time that night, the second time having followed a first, earlier time and night being defined as the period between six o'clock p.m. and six o'clock a.m - the forest on the occasion of the second creeping being a substantially different forest from that subject to the first creeping - and the moon now hid behind clouds. It is to be understood that the same moon was visible during the occasion of the first creeping, though from a different forest, that there may or may not have been clouds during the occasion of the first creeping despite the moon's visibility, and that the word 'behind' in reference to the moon is defined broadly to include 'above.'"

There. Reader has all the info spelled out for him.

 

[Caged Maiden]

For me, it's a tense issue.

"For the second time that night, Auggie crept through a forest, but with the moon hidden then behind clouds, traversing the undergrowth proved much harder."

"now" denotes a present tense, and the rest of the sentence is in past. For me, it reads weird, and since there are so many ways to avoid it, why not give it a go? It gives you a chance to be more correct, and also say exactly what you mean, rather than using short sentences which don't necessarily make a connection between one thing and the other. I mean, honestly, the sentence itself isn't wholly necessary, unless it has some bearing on how he feels about that second trip through the forest, so personally, I'd like to see why it's being mentioned at all, and it makes more sense to stick to one tense.

Think about it this way, "I crept through the forest, the moon now behind clouds." When you break down the tenses used in a single sentence, you can see how it doesn't sound right.

Hope that helps clarify why the one word might be a problem. Here's a link I just found on google: Past-Tense Creative Writing and Keywords to Watch Out For - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com

 

[BWFoster78]

Interesting question about tense.

I found the following on the internet (and the internet wouldn't lie to me!):


The question:

The whole story is given in the past. Is the sentence in the middle of the story "But why did she wish to do it now?" grammmatically correct? Is it correct to use the Past Simple tense with the adverb "now" talking about past events?

and answer:

Yes, it is correct. Check out definition #4 here:


At this point in the series of events; then: The ship was now listing to port.

Though it might be a word to watch out for, it appears to be grammatically correct in the original sentence.

 

[BWFoster78]

I completely agree that "now" is needed and "a" tells us that it is a different forest.

However, I think maybe the reason the beta reader said something about this wasn't so much the now, but rather they were trying to help the sentence flow easier. It feels slightly awkward. I would phrase it thus:

I'm considering changing "a" to "the." The point is valid that it is the same "forest." I wonder, however, about being too literal. Implying that it's the same forest seems to lead the reader to think it's the same area.