Is this a clear fight?

[Addison]

That's not a typo in the title. I know it's not a clean fight, I wrote it. What I don't know is if the sequence of blows and action is clear and easy to follow. So here's the scene (626 words);

Nick hissed over his shoulder. “All this drama for a nobody who's better off dead.”

The lid didn't blow off, it exploded with the pot. Rian sprang after him and swung his fist into his thick head. He hit the dirt dizzy and Rian was just starting.

“I'M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!!” Nick scrambled to his feet. Rian jumped on his back and they hit the ground slugging. He weighed his knee in Nick's gut as he punched him across the jaw. His next punch was ready. Nick saw it coming and wrestled him off. Rian jumped to his feet as Nick wiped the blood off his lip.

“Serves you right.” He snapped. “Maybe now you won't shoot your mouth off.” Nick shot forward with his fist ready. Rian ducked that but he was shoved into a truck. His head was still ringing as he was slugged in the head. The beat of his heart echoed through his skull. He was licking grass as Nick stood beside him. Luckily he was staring at the kindling under the truck, not Nick's ugly mug.

“Maybe once I crack your head open you'll come back to earth.” Nick hissed. “I don't know why you're up there any way. He went the other way.” He kicked the ground with a snigger.

The pain flamed and picked him up. He grabbed a piece of kindling. He spun around and broke the stick over Nick's head. He held the last foot of stick like a club. The bark scraped his stinging fingers. He wanted to break the stick around that fat neck. The pain sizzled up his arm. Taking a deep breath he wrangled the pain to his stomach. The busted stick rolled out of his hand as he walked away. As he walked to the jacket one
question crept into his aching head. What was Clara going to say when she saw him black, blue and red all over?

An angry growl broke behind him. He turned in time to see Nick’s shoulders before they rammed into his gut. He grabbed Nick's back as he lifted him off the ground. We fell to the dirt with a thud. Nick scrambled to get on top as Rian coughed the breath back to his lungs. He kicked the jerk in the ribs and scurried away.

“Back off you maniac!”

“You started it ya selfish brat!”

“Says the lazy thief.” He went to grab the jacket and run. Nick caught up and pulled him into an arm lock. He was pulled in circles until he tripped. Nick dropped on top of him. Rian pushed him off but he was pulled back. They rolled around the ground in a mess of blows. Nick's bigger size was starting to work against Rian. Especially as ever hit he threw at Nick either hurt him more or missed. His hook missed and pulled him to the ground. Nick yanked him to his knees and kicked him down to deliver a heavy blow to his eye.

Rian crawled away. He wriggled under a truck but Nick dragged him out. His shoulders stung as he was thrown against the fender. He saw the next blow coming and ducked. It sailed past and struck the fender with a loud bang. Nick stumbled back with a howl. Rian shoved him away. He tripped over his foot and landed close to the fire pit.

Rian stumbled over holding his gut. It was getting worse. The pain wouldn't stay in his stomach. Nick rolled over but Rian sat on his chest.

“This fight-is over.” He said between pains. “Stay here if you want-but I am taking-my dad's jacket-where you will never-see it again.” He didn't notice Nick's hand moving until it cracked into his head with a rock.


Was it easy to follow? Or did you have to go back and re-read anything to get the sequence?

 

[BWFoster78]

The lid didn't blow off, it exploded with the pot.

I have no idea what this means.

Rian sprang after him and swung his fist into his thick head. He hit the dirt dizzy and Rian was just starting.

This would be more clear if you got rid of some of the pronoun confusion. I can make out who the "hises" and "he" refers to, but I have to think about it.

he punched him across the jaw. His next punch was ready.

Even thinking about it, I can't figure out who this "he" and "his" refers to.

He kicked the ground with a snigger.

The pain flamed and picked him up. He grabbed a piece of kindling.

No idea what that first action is. Why does it cause pain and to whom? How does the pain pick someone up? Who is "he?"

Overall, I'd say that it's not clear.

Hope this helps.

Brian

 

[Addison]

Mmmm, the motives are confusing without knowing the characters.
Cliff notes:
Rian is the youngest, twelve years old almost thirteen. He ran from the farm to the bonfire party to get;
Nick, the oldest, fifteen years old. To look cool for the party and a girl he stole the suede jacket of Rian's late father. The jacket is the only thing Rian has of his father's, his most prized posession.
Nick stole it and, upon calling Rian's father a "better off dead" guy, started the fight. He kicked the ground refering that Rian's father went to hell, not heaven.

Easier to understand with a short-version-back story?

Anyone experienced with fight scenes, how would it be best to distinguish who's hitting who?

 

[BWFoster78]

Easier to understand with a short-version-back story?

The primary problem was pronoun confusion, not character motivations.

Whenever you use a pronoun, its antecedent is naturally the last noun used. If I write, "Bob wrung his hands," the reader knows that "his" refers to Bob.

You have multiple uses of "he," "his," and "him" that could refer to either of your characters. While you can sometimes get away with such usage, this scene is made unclear because of it.

My advice is to rewrite a lot of your sentences so that there is a clear antecedent for each pronoun use.

 

[Philip Overby]

I'd say if you're looking for how to write clear fight scenes, take a look at authors who have plenty of fight scenes in their books. Joe Abercrombie springs to mind for me. He usually makes the fight scenes clear by giving voice to the POV character. This is a tip Caged Maiden actually gave me about not making fight scenes sound like a play by play. If you give voice to the POV character, it makes the action more clear and doesn't make it so "this happened then this happened."

This part confused me a bit:

An angry growl broke behind him. He turned in time to see Nick’s shoulders before they rammed into his gut. He grabbed Nick's back as he lifted him off the ground. We fell to the dirt with a thud. Nick scrambled to get on top as Rian coughed the breath back to his lungs. He kicked the jerk in the ribs and scurried away.

It says "We fell to the dirt with a thud." Was this written in first person before?

My main suggestion is to find authors who write excellent fight scenes and see how they do so. Try emulating them at first before developing your own style.

Here's a random fist-fight I saw that I think is pretty clear for me and has POV in it to make it feel more active and engaging:

Sample Fistfight Scene - wikiHow

 

[Edankyn]

I'm not usually a stickler for active over passive, but since this is a fight scene I encourage you to make the entire section active. I know your request was to determine if the fight scene was clear, but I was so thrown off by the verb tense that it made it difficult to focus on the actual action.

 

[Addison]

I checked out the Sample Fight scene. That helped.
What I couldn't really tell is how to distinguish between two known characters. The college punk's name wasn't important, Tyler's was. But in my scene's case how can I write the scene with Rian set as the perspective but communicating when Nick dealt the blow.

True Nick's the only one beating the snot out of Rian but.....ya know what I'm just going to re-write the scene and post it ASAP. Any other comments?