On Keeping Things Clear

[MineOwnKing]

Looks good.

Find a good copy editor to give it a once over and I think you're good to go.

Good luck.

 

[Heliotrope]

Hi Ireth, while MOK has done a wonderful job, and he is, by far, more skilled and knowledgable than me about this sort of thing, there was a weak point that I wanted to address, just in case…

Reckless in his own vanity, Fiachra has ruined his chances to marry among the Fae and therefore sees Ariel as a prize. Her understanding of the Fae is rare among humans, adding luster to her value in the eyes of the wayward prince. .

This part seems a bit weak to me, only because it raises a few (not good) questions. Pretending I'm the agent, or publisher, I wonder why he didn't just steal a Fae girl? Yes, you say that he has ruined his chanced of marrying them… but going to another world to steal a human girl, who also hates him, seems even more complicated then simply stealing a girl from his own land… so I wonder about that? Maybe that choice could be enhanced a bit? Why she is so special, besides just that she knows who the fae are. It seems that there should be more to it then that?

That is just my very limited perspective on that.

I hope that is helpful. I don't mean to over step my place…

 

[Ireth]

Thanks for your comment, Helio. There is a wee bit more to the issue than Ariel's knowledge of the Fae; being human also makes her more fertile than a Fae woman, increasing Fiachra's chances of having heirs. (Given his murderous plans, though, this isn't necessarily an advantage to him-- but he's too narrow-minded to see that.) All that seems bit much for a query, though. Ariel's knowledge of the Fae is really the deciding factor, though. Otherwise he'd just take the first teenaged girl he came across, rather than seeking one who specifically knew about the Fae.

 

[Heliotrope]

Yeah, I guess maybe there seems like an opportunity missed there. If there was an interesting reason behind why she is the only teenage girl who knows the fae (perhaps she is related to a fae hunter? Or her mother was killed by the fae, or she is half fae herself… I don't know what your reason is…) then it would be another hook to make readers settle in… "Oh… her father was a renowned fae hunter, and now she has been thrust into the world as the betrothed of the prince himself… interesting…." Or, "Ohhhhhh, her mother was killed by the fae for xyz, and now she is living with the future fae king…how will this play out?" Do you see what I mean? This could be a good reason to add in some inherent tension and hook the reader, instead of it coming across as sort of a weak excuse to get her into the fae world…

Does that make sense?

Again, I don't know the context of the story, and I don't want to over step by boundary here… I just think an opportunity has been missed.

 

[Ireth]

Yeah, I guess maybe there seems like an opportunity missed there. If there was an interesting reason behind why she is the only teenage girl who knows the fae (perhaps she is related to a fae hunter? Or her mother was killed by the fae, or she is half fae herself… I don't know what your reason is…) then it would be another hook to make readers settle in… "Oh… her father was a renowned fae hunter, and now she has been thrust into the world as the betrothed of the prince himself… interesting…." Or, "Ohhhhhh, her mother was killed by the fae for xyz, and now she is living with the future fae king…how will this play out?" Do you see what I mean? This could be a good reason to add in some inherent tension and hook the reader, instead of it coming across as sort of a weak excuse to get her into the fae world…

Does that make sense?

Again, I don't know the context of the story, and I don't want to over step by boundary here… I just think an opportunity has been missed.

I tried that in previous drafts, but it felt like too much backstory. And really, it is.

Ariel believes in the Fae because one once tried to kidnap her when she was a baby, right after her mother's unrelated death. There's not a drop of Fae blood in her on either side, but the would-be cradle-robber intended to keep her and raise her in Faerie as his daughter. Ariel's dad and uncle fought him off, and consequently raised Ariel to know and fear the Fae folk, after they came to accept it themselves. It took a while.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

I would probably tighten the writing some, but its a big improvement over the original. The query is in itself a writing sample, so, tighter the better. For instance, "therefore" could be tossed. "at best" is weak phrasing. And the third paragraph starts with our MC being acted upon rather than acting. Something like...

Ariel shuns Fiachra's fickle attempts at courtship. Spitting out an enchanted meal earns a whipping; throwing away her engagement ring and fleeing the castle ends with her locked in an icy dungeon. His patience tested, Fiachra changes the date of their nuptials to hasten his regicidal plot, driving Ariel to ever more dangerous schemes to escape. If she marries Fiachra and claims the Winter Queen's crown she'll be trapped in Faerie with an abusive, homicidal husband for eternity. If her final escape fails, she'll be killed.

That's just a mock up trying to use most of your words. The last line bugs me. What are the stakes here? Become the Queen trapped forever, don't escape she dies... seems she would become the queen if continuing to be caught?. What is going to kill her if she does not escape?

 

[Ireth]

I would probably tighten the writing some, but its a big improvement over the original. The query is in itself a writing sample, so, tighter the better. For instance, "therefore" could be tossed. "at best" is weak phrasing. And the third paragraph starts with our MC being acted upon rather than acting. Something like...

Ariel shuns Fiachra's fickle attempts at courtship. Spitting out an enchanted meal earns a whipping; throwing away her engagement ring and fleeing the castle ends with her locked in an icy dungeon. His patience tested, Fiachra changes the date of their nuptials to hasten his regicidal plot, driving Ariel to ever more dangerous schemes to escape. If she marries Fiachra and claims the Winter Queen's crown she'll be trapped in Faerie with an abusive, homicidal husband for eternity. If her final escape fails, she'll be killed.

While I agree with the idea of tight writing, sometimes it gets in the way of the author's style and voice. Phrases like "Ariel refuses to be wooed or subdued" were chosen specifically for that reason, because I like the way they flow and rhyme. I also prefer the term "regicidal" to "homicidal" in the second-last line, as it spares the need to mention it in the "hastening" bit.

The last line bugs me. What are the stakes here? Become the Queen trapped forever, don't escape she dies... seems she would become the queen if continuing to be caught?.

Exactly that. I don't see how it's confusing.

What is going to kill her if she does not escape?

The Fae themselves will kill her if she keeps trying to escape. I had thought it was easy to infer.

 

[Heliotrope]

Hey Ireth, here are some samples of synopses which were successful. Note how clearly the stakes and conflict are shown. Some other things to note:
- brief description of the mc. With your synopsis I don't know how old she is or what is important to her. In the examples it is clear who the book is written for (teenage mc) and what their goal/ values are.
-active/heroic mc. In the examples the mc is exceptional and heroic in some way. In your synopsis the mc comes across as a victim with no goal other than self preservation.

I think these might be some reasons why you are running into problems.

Query that got 17 full requests + 4 offers of representation (and now a publisher) - AQ Connect - Examples of Successful Queries - AgentQuery Connect

 

[Heliotrope]

Another.

Query that got 18 requests, 3 offers of rep, and a partridge in a pear tree. - AQ Connect - Examples of Successful Queries - AgentQuery Connect

 

[Ireth]

I'm a member of AQC; I've seen those examples before.

My query states clearly that Ariel is sixteen years old, and the stakes and conflict are (I thought) just as clear. Success for Ariel = life and freedom; failure = death OR torturous immortal life (death being the more likely). Conflict is Ariel vs. Fiachra; human teen vs. regicidal Fae king wannabe.

I do not believe that an MC has to be exceptional; they simply have to have a goal and the motivation to achieve it. Self-preservation is Ariel's most important goal, and I think it's a pretty good one. Especially considering that she does NOT sit around waiting for rescue. She assesses what she needs to do to help herself, and then she goes and does it. She fails the first time to complete her ultimate goal (escaping, with survival as a pre-requisite), so she tries again. And again. Until she succeeds, at the end of the book.

 

[Demesnedenoir]

While I agree with the idea of tight writing, sometimes it gets in the way of the author's style and voice. Phrases like "Ariel refuses to be wooed or subdued" were chosen specifically for that reason, because I like the way they flow and rhyme. I also prefer the term "regicidal" to "homicidal" in the second-last line, as it spares the need to mention it in the "hastening" bit.



Exactly that. I don't see how it's confusing.



The Fae themselves will kill her if she keeps trying to escape. I had thought it was easy to infer.

By all means, if that represents your style leave them in.

It is not that easy to infer since she tries to escape multiple times, and they don't kill her.

 

[Ireth]

By all means, if that represents your style leave them in.

It is not that easy to infer since she tries to escape multiple times, and they don't kill her.

Not all of her escape attempts are widely noticed, and they begin with small steps, little defiances here and there that build and escalate in scope and consequence. This is outlined in the query. First she resists his enchantments and is whipped; next she flees the castle and is locked up.

What the query doesn't say, since I can't give away the whole plot there, is that she breaks out of prison and flees into the wilderness, only to be dragged back by the guards Fiachra sends after her. That's when he says "eff this, we're getting married NOW", only things escalate further from there. Which leads into the climax of the story.