Mermaid Story

[DeviousBeeotch]

Hi all.

I'm fairly new here, and am looking for a place to receive some feedback about my stories. The current story I'm working on is about a new girl, Ambra, who moves to town, who is actually a mermaid, or siren to be exact. The girls are naturally jealous of her because she is so different, but also because she keeps going after their boyfriends. When she sets her sights on Jake, a popular boy, and tries to seduce him, it cause a love triangle between the mermaid, Jake and his girlfriend. Any ideas about where to go from here?
I also am not opposed to playing this out as an RP if anyone is interested- if you want me to move or repost this in a different category, I apologize, just let me know...I'm still getting used this site Thanks!

 

[Darkfantasy]

Firstly welcome to this site, I'm sure you'll like it here.

It sounds a bit too cliche for me with pretty typical characters and to be successful in writing you need to try thinking outside the box more. But more information is needed for me really.
Is Ambra the main character? Or the guy or his girlfriend? What's the conflict other than the love triangle. What is his internal conflict and whats his girlfriends. Is this set in a fantasy world where they know what being Ambra is?

 

[Ireth]

My first thought is, why have Ambra only target boys? Maybe you could have the rather cliche "love triangle" (more of a "jealously angle", really) become an ACTUAL triangle, with both the guy and the girlfriend falling for Ambra, and she for them.

 

[TheCrystallineEntity]

^Oh, that'd be awesome!

One thing that might be neat would be for the guy and/or his girlfriend to be of a similar family, mythologically speaking, to Ambra, such as a lorelei.

 

[DeviousBeeotch]

^Oh, that'd be awesome!

One thing that might be neat would be for the guy and/or his girlfriend to be of a similar family, mythologically speaking, to Ambra, such as a lorelei.

I think it would be interesting for Jake to have mermaid in his blood or family somewhere, which is how he and Ambr feel so connected. The story will also focus on how Ambra has always been a ioner and is desperate to find a soul mate whom she feels understands her, so....

 

[S.T. Ockenner]

Why even stop at triangle? Why not do..say...a love OCTANGLE? Or a love DODECAHEDRON?