Need help addressing a couple of comments

[BWFoster78]

From reading this, I got the impression that this woman has no intention of being subtle... she knows exactly what she is doing, by controlling men with sex (or dangling the promise of sex in front of them). It is certainly a more aggressive approach than you would think most women would take, and it would actually turn off some men (myself included). I'm not sure how BWFoster intended on portraying her. But if she has the more overt, aggressive type personality, it would fit. There are certain types of men who would continue to chase her, even given the methods she is using.

Here are some insights into her character thus far:

She dresses provocatively, especially when contrasted to the other girl characters.

She teases in a joking manner using sexual innuendo, liking that most of it goes over Xan's head.

She's kinda resentful about being bartered as little more than an enticement for a political alliance even though it's her choice to do. At other times, though, she embraces the role.

Men have pursued her from a young age both for her looks and the power that comes with marrying her.

Bottom Line: The scene needs to be clearly understandable to Xan that she's emphasizing her sexuality, and he's kinda dense on the subject. At the same time, I don't want to go too far with her, making the sexuality fun and flirty rather than hardcore dirty.

Does any of this make sense?

Thanks again for the help!

 

[Penpilot]

Part 1:

The description seems campy, but if that's they style of what you're going for, there's nothing wrong with camp. But if you're going for something more serious. I have a question. Does Xan have emotions for her other than lust? If he does and she knows this, she can play off it and the description of her seduction can rift off the emotional as well as the physical. Generally speaking, I think emotional seduction is more sexy than physical.

I don't know if it's any better, but maybe something along these lines?

She drew him close, rubbing her thigh against his. "I feel your warmth. Can you feel mine? That warm can extend to other places if we can come to an agreement." Taking his hand, she placed it above her heart, and did the same with hers. She whispered into his ear. "Is this what you want?"


Part 2

I don't have any problem with the strangling and mocking and battering that happens in that paragraph, but together it seems like it's laying it on a bit thick and feels melodramatic. Maybe in context with more of the emotions involved more evident in the scene it might not seem that way, but just from the clip I read, that's what it feels like.

 

[Zero Angel]

I'd like to chime in with my opinions on the original post.

First, I don't see anything wrong with the paragraph being "trite" because this could imply that the character herself is the same way. Sometimes the most obvious, overused actions are obvious and overused for a reason. It seems from the posts (and others appear to agree) that this is intentional in her character and not something that should be changed.

As far as the metaphor with the rings--I like it, but I recommend making sure it is clear that it is figurative. I usually preface heavy use of figurative language with clear descriptions of reality. I especially like using figurative language to emphasize that a character is "tweaking out" as this character seems to be doing.

 

[BWFoster78]

The description seems campy, but if that's they style of what you're going for, there's nothing wrong with camp. But if you're going for something more serious. I have a question. Does Xan have emotions for her other than lust? If he does and she knows this, she can play off it and the description of her seduction can rift off the emotional as well as the physical. Generally speaking, I think emotional seduction is more sexy than physical.

I'm definitely trying to avoid campy in this section.

I also think that Ashley tends to seduce physically rather than emotionally. Good suggestion, but it doesn't fit the character.

I don't have any problem with the strangling and mocking and battering that happens in that paragraph, but together it seems like it's laying it on a bit thick and feels melodramati. Maybe in context with more of the emotions involved more evident in the scene it might not seem that way, but just from the clip I read, that's what it feels like.

Point taken. Thanks.

 

[BWFoster78]

It seems from the posts (and others appear to agree) that this is intentional in her character and not something that should be changed.

Another good point to consider.

I especially like using figurative language to emphasize that a character is "tweaking out" as this character seems to be doing.

I'm not completely getting the concept from your comment. Do you mind sharing an example?

Thanks for the reply.

 

[Zero Angel]

I'm not completely getting the concept from your comment. Do you mind sharing an example?

I cannot think of an example off the top of my head. But I associate major figurative language like that with characters that are experiencing sensory overload (either from drugs, some transformation that increases their senses (werewolf, vampire, etc) or from being overly dramatic).

 

[Ghost]

I had a lot of the same reactions Lorna did. A phrase like "less than an inch from her skin" is oddly specific when the lady is trying to be seductive. I didn't picture the hourglass figure motion because I wasn't sure what she was doing, but now that I have a better idea, Ashley seems detatched from her physical self, especially combined with "the parts I've reserved" lines.

Maybe she could do something similar, but slightly different? Like trailing her fingers down her side, along the curve of her waist and hip. Or if her dress is low cut, she might wear a pendant and trace her fingers around it, which would draw his gaze toward her cleavage. "Isn’t this" she could say, "what you wanted? Sign and you’ll have all of me."

You lose the parts and flowers, and the pause after "this" let's us know exactly what she means given where her hand is. It still might be too vampy for Ashley, so it's only an example. I really think her dialogue might improve if you omit the the parts after "Isn't this what you wanted?"

I think the rest of the conversation is fine.

The gold band strangled the air from him, and the glittering diamond mocked him with tiny fire-like rays. She wound her hand behind her head, preparing to throw the ring. At the last second, she let it slip from her grasp as if she couldn’t even muster enough emotion to hate him. A metallic clang sounded, echoing off the walls, each clink battering him.

I didn't realize it was a ring, but I'm sure it would've been clear from earlier passages. Maybe "The sight of the gold band" could work? I got a weird image when she "wound her hand behind her head" preparing to throw something, like a cartoon character winding his arm in circles before he makes a throw. "Wound" puts me in mind of a circular or spinning motion, but I'm probably the only person who read it that way. lol

The sentence with the metal clang seems melodramatic. I have a hard time imagining the sound because it seems too noisy for such a small thing. It's just my opinion, but I think it's just as dramatic for it to be a soft sound—a sound he wouldn't normally hear but he was actively listening for it—and despite the lightness of the impact it makes the air feel heavy. While something like that would ground me in the scene, I don't know if it's meant to be over-the-top. If Xan's emotions are intense and if he's easily affected, it makes sense for his emotions to color the scene so that his senses are exaggerated.

I think you do a great job of showing the tension between Xan and Ashley, BWFoster78.

 

[BWFoster78]

Maybe she could do something similar, but slightly different? Like trailing her fingers down her side, along the curve of her waist and hip. Or if her dress is low cut, she might wear a pendant and trace her fingers around it, which would draw his gaze toward her cleavage. "Isn’t this" she could say, "what you wanted? Sign and you’ll have all of me."

I like this a lot. Exactly what I was going for, just toned down to be more suggestive and less trite. Cool. Thanks.

I got a weird image when she "wound her hand behind her head" preparing to throw something, like a cartoon character winding his arm in circles before he makes a throw. "Wound" puts me in mind of a circular or spinning motion, but I'm probably the only person who read it that way. lol

I was thinking of a pitcher winding up in baseball. I'll fix it.

While something like that would ground me in the scene, I don't know if it's meant to be over-the-top. If Xan's emotions are intense and if he's easily affected, it makes sense for his emotions to color the scene so that his senses are exaggerated.

I was going for exaggerated for just the reason you described. I'm just not so sure that I should now.

Thanks again for the comments. I found them most helpful.

 

[BWFoster78]

How about this:

Excerpt from The Power of the Mages Chapter 28.3

She fiddled with the engagement ring, holding it in front of the light from an oil lamp burning in the corner. “Did I tell you how much I love it?”

He shrugged off her baffling change in demeanor. “Ashley, I’m not doing this because of some kind of power struggle between you and me. I won’t sign that statement.”

The cutest bark of a laugh escaped her lips. “I know what drives men. I’ve known since I came of age, and they stood in line for a chance at my hand.” Her finger drifted to the soft velvet of her scarlet dress, idly tracing the corseted curve of her waist. “Aren’t I what you want? Sign and you’ll have me. All of me.”

A wave of heat washed over Xan. “Of course that’s what I want.” Then what he’d implied registered. “I mean, not what you said.” He felt the flush rising on his face. “I mean, not that I don’t want…”

She turned her head to the side and raised a hand to her mouth.

“You're laughing at me!"

She moved to him, nearly touching his body with hers, and stroked under his eye where the sword had cut. "Only because you're so cute."

"You don’t fight fair,” he said.

“I fight to win.”

“I don’t want to fight at all.”

She smiled. “Then sign the agreement.”

 

[Ghost]

I like this version.

Why does he call the contract a "statement" early on? (Yeah, it was in the earlier version but I didn't notice it there.) She calls it an agreement, which makes more sense to me. I'm not fond of "cutest bark of a laugh." I'm curious about what parts of their bodies almost touch. She touches his cut in the same sentence, presumably with her hand. I want something more specific than "his body with hers" to help me visualize what she's doing and how it could tempt him.

The part about the sword can be trimmed, I think. I assume you already described the cut and how Xan got it, so "and stroked the scar/cut under his eye" works. For me, "where the sword had cut" slows the momentum. It reminds me of the past when I want to be in the here-and-now.

This time, nothing stopped me from reading because the excerpt was easier to understand. I like your rewrite because it flows better and I don't wonder what's up with Ashley. This looks like something I'd read.

 

[BWFoster78]

Why does he call the contract a "statement" early on? (Yeah, it was in the earlier version but I didn't notice it there.) She calls it an agreement, which makes more sense to me.

Yeah. Maybe statement isn't a good word. I like contract.

I want something more specific than "his body with hers" to help me visualize what she's doing and how it could tempt him.

Noted.

I assume you already described the cut and how Xan got it, so "and stroked the scar/cut under his eye" works.

I get that, but the cut was healed magically. There's no trace of it. I wanted to show where Ashley was touching and emphasize a bit a tenderness by having her stroke where the cut used to be. I can't think of a better way to say it.

This looks like something I'd read.

Thanks. Thats about the best compliment I can get.

 

[gavintonks]

“Ashley," he shrugged, "I am not doing this because of a power struggle with you," He stared at her his body language showing he was quite adamant." The confusion at her change in demeanor showed clearly in the sharp angle of his eyebrows. he raised his voice, "between you and me, I will not sign this statement.” His face was now a shade of red and his pupils shrunk to pin-pricks.

Raising her hand to her neck, she stopped and inch from her skin in shock at his sudden outburst.She thought a bit, and then with a twisted smile and lust in her eyes, she lowered her voice to a smokey thrum,“Isn’t this everything you wanted?" her voice could make a man's toes curl. I hated it when she did that.

She closed her eyes, I could imagine what she would do to me, I could see she imagined her hands on mine as she traced, too damn delicately,I thought the contour of her body down to her thigh.

I swallowed and goose flesh ran down my spine, no one had such control, I swallowed and my mouth went dry, I could not look but stood a child open mouthed at seeing her emphasizing the swell of her breasts and the curve of her waist, like some first teenage peek in a strip club.

“Isn’t this everything you wanted?“ she said again in even more sultry, when I did not or really could not reply without loosing her game.
"Sign and you’ll have all of me," she whispered now an innocent, desiring only me, she coyly opened her eyes a slit,this she whispered and blew the words to me, she floated her hand across the dark cross between her legs, "this" she whispered, "is reserved," she stopped and panted, pretending this man had just touched her, she groaned,.

I was shocked at this display but she held me captive as she knew my desire for her.

A sigh escaped her lips and she tilted her head back. her hand fluttered a wounded dove," I could not take my eyes away, She dropped her head and hair drifted across her face causing sultry shadows, damn her now even the light was on her side."this she said," and opened her eyes wider and breathlessly pouted the words," this is reserved for the man I marry," all I could think of is how lucky he would be.

"do you lust after me too since I flowered?” Her sultry question made him blush.

“Of course that’s what I want.” He stammered, "I mean1" he tried to corrected himself, "stop this."
"Stop what she asked startled and innocent."

" No" he said, and left his mouth open, 'yes I mean,' and closed it, "you know what I means!" he finished at last exasperated.

"woman." he muttered under his breath and tried to avert his eyes, and turn his face so the obvious red flush was not so obvious."damn them." he muttered again to himself.

She turned her head and lifted her hand in mock shock and indignation, "me" she smiled, "never" she laughed managing to put everything into that one word that betrayed him as the guilty one here.


“You don’t fight fair,” he said, flushing again.

“I do not fight," she became all coy again, "I only ever win.”
"damn her he thought to himself in total frustration

“I don’t want to fight at all.” he tried to sound reasonable and extract himself from this mess

She smiled. “Then sign the agreement.” she was all business like as she pulled a pen and contract from behind her back the sultry godess gone in a flash

 

[BWFoster78]

Gavintonks,

Thanks for the reply, but not really what i was going for at all.

There's too much explanation of the reason for every movement for my taste.

 

[Ghost]

I get that, but the cut was healed magically. There's no trace of it. I wanted to show where Ashley was touching and emphasize a bit a tenderness by having her stroke where the cut used to be. I can't think of a better way to say it.

So there's no longer a trace of the mark. I can't think of a better way to say it, either. I can certainly think of worse ones.