On Keeping Things Clear

[Ireth]

Part question, part frustrated ramble. Actually, mostly frustrated ramble.

I've been trying to perfect my query for WINTER'S QUEEN for a few years now, and while it's come a long way, there are still some issues that seem to trip up those who comment on my revisions. Thing is, even after setting the query aside for a few weeks and coming back with fresh eyes, I have no stinking clue how to make it any clearer. I don't know if it's me not being clear enough, or if those who comment just don't grok what I'm trying to say.

Exhibit A: The hook.

"Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk doesn't believe in the Fae; she doesn’t have to. She knows full well they exist, and how dangerous they are."

Time and again people have commented, saying "if they're there, why doesn't she believe?" and "I wonder why she believes in them without proof." As I've answered, every time, belief and knowledge are not the same thing. Ariel does not BELIEVE in the Fae because she KNOWS they exist, and she HAS proof. I don't see how hard this is to grasp.

Exhibit B: The villain's personality.

"His pride and arrogance make finding a bride who actually returns his desire nigh impossible. Ariel’s knowledge of the Fae, seen as rare in modern Earth, is quite enough for him."

Again with the comments. "Why doesn't he just pick a Fae bride instead?" "Shouldn't he have fae girls groveling at his feet?" No, because he's too arrogant and proud to be desirable even by his own people. This also blinds him to the fact that Ariel -- whom he literally has to kidnap in order to court her -- hates his guts as well.

I've considered tweaking the sentence to read, "His pride and arrogance make finding a bride who actually returns his desire, even another Fae, nigh impossible." Would that help, like, at all? Or would it just make things worse?

Exhibit C: The stakes.

"If she marries Fiachra and becomes the Winter Queen, she'll be trapped in Faerie with an abusive, regicidal husband for eternity. If she fails to escape for good, she'll be killed instead."

"I'm not sure how this connects to her marrying him," says one commentor. "Like, well okay she can't marry him, she needs to escape. Do you mean that if she attempts escape and fails, she'll be killed for her attempt?" Yes. That is literally it. I don't know how to make it clearer; it's already crystal to me.

/End ramble.

*heaves a sigh*

Anyone with advice, please give it.

 

[Mythopoet]

Exhibit A: One definition of "belief" is simply acknowledging that something is true. So if she knows that the Fae exist and knows they're dangerous, I'm not sure how this doesn't count as belief. If you mean belief in a more religious sense then you'll probably have to be more specific.

Exhibit B: I think

"His pride and arrogance make finding a bride who actually returns his desire, even among the Fae, nigh impossible."

might be better and more clear.

Exhibit C: It is a bit unclear. I might change it to something like

"If her attempt to escape fails, she will surely be killed."

 

[Ireth]

Exhibit A: One definition of "belief" is simply acknowledging that something is true. So if she knows that the Fae exist and knows they're dangerous, I'm not sure how this doesn't count as belief. If you mean belief in a more religious sense then you'll probably have to be more specific.

It's a bit of both. Ariel and her family are Christian; while they do acknowledge the Fae exist, they don't acknowledge them as demigods or whatever. Similar to what the people in Elizabethan Europe (or at least England) believed.

Exhibit B: I think

"His pride and arrogance make finding a bride who actually returns his desire, even among the Fae, nigh impossible."

might be better and more clear.

I agree. ^^

Exhibit C: It is a bit unclear. I might change it to something like

"If her attempt to escape fails, she will surely be killed."

Well, she spends the whole book trying to escape in one way or another, so just putting it down to a single attempt doesn't properly credit the plot. She does make it out of the castle a couple of times, but before the very end of the book she's always dragged back in. Hence where the "for good" part of the sentence comes in.

 

[MineOwnKing]

If people are asking questions, you might want to consider it a good enough reason to leave it as it is.

Curiosity is raised and so the book is opened to find out more.

Two years spent on a query is enough to drive anybody batty.

 

[Ireth]

If people are asking questions, you might want to consider it a good enough reason to leave it as it is.

Curiosity is raised and so the book is opened to find out more.

Two years spent on a query is enough to drive anybody batty.

I'm not sure this is a matter of curiosity as it is incomprehension. Which is why I'm working so hard to clear it up. And driving myself batty in the process. XD

 

[MineOwnKing]

I can look at it for you if you want. A fresh set of eyes might help.

 

[Ireth]

Thanks very much! Should I post it here or PM it to you?

 

[MineOwnKing]

Either way.

 

[Butterfly]

I'd go with A.

But, just submit it and see how it goes. You have nothing to lose. A couple of well known publishers are opening their doors to unangented submissions. Two that I know of are...

One that is open right now - Angry Robot is open

In January - Gollancz are opening their doors.

 

[Ireth]

Okay, here it is, with the tweak Mytho suggested:

Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk doesn't believe in the Fae; she doesn’t have to. She knows full well they exist, and how dangerous they are. So when their Winter Prince kidnaps Ariel to the realm of Faerie on Halloween, she's not shocked or confused. Scared, yes… and angry. Really angry.

Ariel’s abductor—His Royal Smugness, Prince Fiachra—is everything she hates about the Fae in one beautiful, sinister package. His pride and arrogance make finding a bride who actually returns his desire, even among the Fae, nigh impossible. Ariel’s knowledge of the Fae, seen as rare in modern Earth, is quite enough for him. And he’s planning far more than she knows. After he marries her on Midwinter Night, he’ll murder his father and seize the throne of the Winter Court. Ariel has only seven weeks to find a gateway back to Earth before then—seven weeks in which Fiachra will do all he can to make her stay.

But Fiachra’s attempts at courtship are fickle at best, and Ariel refuses to be wooed or subdued. Spitting out the enchanted food Fiachra feeds her gets Ariel whipped; throwing away her engagement ring and trying to flee the castle gets her locked in an icy dungeon. Even when Fiachra changes the wedding date to hasten his plot, Ariel doesn’t give up trying to escape. If she marries Fiachra and becomes the Winter Queen, she'll be trapped in Faerie with an abusive, regicidal husband for eternity. If she fails to escape for good, she'll be killed instead.

[Title, word cunt, genre, all that important stuff.]

 

[MineOwnKing]

I'll play around with it for a while.

We want to make that word count, right?

 

[Ireth]

I'll play around with it for a while.

We want to make that word count, right?

Oh, definitely. As it stands, Word says it's 253 words -- just a tad on the lengthy side. Could do with some trimming. ^^

 

[MineOwnKing]

That's not exactly what I meant, but never mind.

Okay, I'll get started.

 

[MineOwnKing]

I reworded the first paragraph, let me know if you want me to do more.


Halloween offers Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk all trick and no treat. Fully aware of the dangerous nature of the Fae, she is not shocked or confused when kidnapped by their Winter Prince, just angry. Really angry.

 

[Ireth]

Oooh, that looks good. ^^ If you have ideas for the rest, I'd love to hear them!

 

[MineOwnKing]

Okay,

Give me a few minutes to look at it.

 

[MineOwnKing]

Okay,

I left the last paragraph alone.

Let me know if this looks better or worse.






Halloween offers Sixteen-year-old Ariel Hawk all trick and no treat. Fully aware of the dangerous nature of the Fae, she is not shocked or confused when kidnapped by their Winter Prince, just angry. Really angry.

Ariel’s abductor—His Royal Smugness, Prince Fiachra—is everything she hates about the Fae in one beautiful, sinister package. Reckless in his own vanity, Fiachra has ruined his chances to marry among the Fae and therefore sees Ariel as a prize. Her understanding of the Fae is rare among humans, adding luster to her value in the eyes of the wayward prince. To make matters worse, he’s planning far more than she can guess. After he marries her on Midwinter Night, he is planning to murder his father and seize the throne of the Winter Court. Ariel has only seven weeks to find a gateway back to Earth before then—seven weeks in which Fiachra will do all he can to make her stay.

But Fiachra’s attempts at courtship are fickle at best, and Ariel refuses to be wooed or subdued. Spitting out the enchanted food Fiachra feeds her gets Ariel whipped; throwing away her engagement ring and trying to flee the castle gets her locked in an icy dungeon. Even when Fiachra changes the wedding date to hasten his plot, Ariel doesn’t give up trying to escape. If she marries Fiachra and becomes the Winter Queen, she'll be trapped in Faerie with an abusive, regicidal husband for eternity. If she fails to escape for good, she'll be killed instead.

 

[Ireth]

Oh man, that looks amazing. Thank you so much!

 

[MineOwnKing]

Edit,

Maybe we should change 'planning' to murder, to 'scheming', to avoid the repetition.

 

[Ireth]

Edit,

Maybe we should change 'planning' to murder, to 'scheming', to avoid the repetition.

I tweaked it to "he means to murder..." to keep the voice a bit more active and cut down on words. What do you think?