People talking over each other

[Svrtnsse]

I've got a scene where two people say different things, "yes" and "no", at the same time. I decided I want to illustrate that in the text rather than just writing that they're talking over each other. I've thought of two ways of doing it but I'm unsure about both and would like to get some feedback and other suggestions.
These are the two options I thought of myself:

1.

“Yes,” said Rolf and “no,” said Steve, both at the same time.

2.

"Yes," said Rolf.
"No," said Steve.
Both of them had spoken up at the same time to answer Enar's question.

Thoughts, suggestions?

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

I think both of your examples still end up with you simply stating that one is talking over the other. If you want to avoid that, I'd suggest something like this:

John thrust his fist towards the sky. "Ye-"

"No," mark interrupted. Reaching up, he pulled John's arm down, wiping away his friend's grin.

That's off the cuff but it might work for you. For my money though, I'd rather have a bit more dialogue being interrupted. I think it reads better. It still can give your reader the sense of one talking over another.

Something more like this:

John thrust his fist towards the sky. "Yes. I knew we would-"

"No," mark interrupted. Reaching up, he pulled John's arm down, wiping away his friend's grin.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

I agree completely with T A S. But to add impact and make it clear that it was an interruption I'd cut the words off part way through if I could and delete as many 'saids'. As possible.

John thrust his fist to the sky. "Yes I knew we w -."

"No!" Mark reached up and pulled John's arm down. Wiping away his grin.

Much as I hate to say it it's a show not tell thing.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[T.Allen.Smith]

John thrust his fist to the sky. "Yes I knew we w -."

"No!" Mark reached up and pulled John's arm down. Wiping away his grin.

Yes. This can be effective as well. My only concern would be clarity. If the words John is saying don't have relevant meaning, and are just an expression, chopping a word for the interrupt works. If however, those words (especially the interrupted word) needs to be understood, then you have to either put enough of that word out there so it can't be misread...OR...write the complete word with the interrupt immediately following. Clarity, after all, is king.

I suggest experimenting with these methods, if you think they'd fit the bill. Say them aloud. You'll then know what feels right.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I've got some inspiration and some ideas that should help get this one sorted out. I'll post here again once I've got it sorted (within the next day or two).

 

[Svrtnsse]

So, in the end I went with:

“So, monks. I didn't realized there were any here. Do you have a temple as well or are they wandering?”
“Yes, sort of, but Steve knows...”
“Not exactly, Rolf can tell...”
The two brothers stopped talking, looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Looking at it I'm still having doubts, but I'm at a point where I'm ready to move on to another scene and leave this for edit/revision.

 

[Lawfire]

Grammatically, the ellipsis (...) is used to show dialogue trailing off, whereas a dash (cannot recall which one) would be used to show interruption. Otherwise, it reads well, to me.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Grammatically, the ellipsis (...) is used to show dialogue trailing off, whereas a dash (cannot recall which one) would be used to show interruption. Otherwise, it reads well, to me.

Cool, thanks, I wasn't aware of that.
It makes sense now you mention it though.

 

[Nihal]

It's the em dash (—), by the way. Code ALT+0151.

P.s.: Oh, and for all I know, you never follow it with a period.

If it's a dialogue it would be “Yes, sort of, but Steve knows—”, if it's a change of subject that wouldn't return to the original you would end it only with the period—like this. Never—something like this—.

 

[Svrtnsse]

Right, so correct formatting would be:

“So, monks. I didn't realized there were any here. Do you have a temple as well or are they wandering?”
“Yes, sort of, but Steve knows—”
“Not exactly, Rolf can tell—”
The two brothers stopped talking, looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Yes, that looks better. Thanks all.