please, please read and critique my creation story.

[OsloTheHand]

First, there was nothing.

Then there was everything.

The first two gods were created.

Chaos and Fate.

They disagreed. They clashed. They fought.

Fate won. By changing the fate of Chaos, it trapped Chaos in an infinite void.

The following period of time was known as the Karusun. An infinitely venerated day for all species.

But Fate was alone. So it created three children.

Their names were Order, Change, and the Middle-Ground.

Order was constant. Like stone, it would never budge.

Change’s only constant was a lack of one. Like the seas, it was always in motion, never the same.

The Middle-Ground was not quite like the rest. It was like nature; one moment it’s changing, others it’s like it’s been that way for eternity.

The four beings of light were alone. So they created a world.

They created Vunis.

Vunis was a world of light and of darkness. Of day and of night. Of Order and of Change. The Middle-Ground was attuned to everything within it; it danced with the sea, it sat among the trees. It was the face of nature.

Fate, Order, and Change were jealous.

But the Gods were aware there were things missing.

They created the Four Peoples: Fate made the Elves, Dwarves were carved out of the stones of Order, and Gurans were made by the whims of change. To these three peoples, the Gods gave powers; Order gifted the Dwarves longevity, that its people may forever sit upon the face of the land; to the Gurans gifted Change the ability to change aspects of their physical appearance. To the Elves, Fate gave them a fraction of its power; Elves could change details of Fate, but only Fate itself could change the entire story.

The Middle-Ground did not see the gifts of the other Gods to their Peoples, as the other Gods hid them from it; so when the Middle-Ground created humans, it did not give them a gift.

When the Middle-Ground walked among the Humans, all was right. But as it walked among the Dwarves, the Gurans, and the Elves, it saw the gifts of the other Gods to their Peoples, and it was wroth.

But the Middle-Ground could not give a gift to its People. So it created the Tsabia.

The Tsabia was a way to write down the languages that had been so carefully hand-crafted by the Gods; the Elves could preserve knowledge of magic, the Dwarves could refresh their memories of the past, and Gurans could write down their short lives so that the future generations wouldn’t forget the past.

But as the Tsabia was given to a man named Rigan, Fate was walking among Humans.

And it noticed the signs. The books. The knowledge written down and preserved.

Rigan had a son. He was Cuënznou, and he was pure; being just a babe, his innocence would have normally preserved his life in the face of Fate.

But Fate was wroth; it had gone through such lengths to satisfy its jealousy, and yet the Humans were happy, intelligent, and advanced. So Fate cursed Rigan with insanity; Rigan went mad and killed his own son, then himself.

The Sthan, Azhdan, the ruler over all Humans, blamed the Elves. They could not take out anger over Fate itself; so they did the next best thing. They declared war on the Elves.

As the title of Sthan was passed from Azhdan to Choluhhan, the war waxed on. People died on both sides.

Finally, the cowardly Choluhhan gave up. He surrendered to the Elven Queen, Cemara. He sent a delegate, Ümashan the Wise, to teach the Tsabia to all the people of Vunis.

And finally, for the time, the Gods were satisfied.

 

[Finchbearer]

The opening lines are redundant - it’s a creation story - we know from nothing, things are going to be created. I think generally it’s a good exercise to get you thinking about how to write one, but a the example below could get you thinking outside the box a bit;

Excerpt from The Silmarilion, JRR Tolkien:

‘It is told that even as Fëanor and Fingolfin stood before Manwë there came the mingling of the lights, when both Trees were shining, and the silent city of Valmar was filled with a radiance of silver and gold. And in that very hour Melkor and Ungoliant came hastening over the fields of Valinor, as the shadow of a black cloud upon the wind fleets over the sunlit earth; and they came before the green mound Ezellohar. Then the Unlight of Ungoliant rose up even to the roots of the Trees, and Melkor sprang upon the mound; and with his black spear he smote each Tree to its core, wounded them deep, and their sap poured forth as it were their blood, and was spilled upon the ground. But Ungoliant sucked it up, and going then from Tree to Tree she set her black beak to their wounds, till they were drained; and the poison of Death that was in her went into their tissues and withered them, root, branch, and leaf; and they died. And still she thirsted, and going to the wells of Varda she drank them dry; but Ungoliant belched forth black vapours as she drank, and swelled to a shape so vast and hideous that Melkor was afraid.’

 

[TheCrystallineEntity]

Could definitely be shortened, maybe even by half. Middle-Ground is a little awkward for a name and doesn't quite fit with the other two. One thing you could ask yourself is, 'which of these beings make substantial changes to the main narrative, or impact the story in significant ways, and which ones could be removed with nothing changing?'

 

[pmmg]

I think for a time line and origin its as good as any ive seen. I have a history timeline like this that i wrote out, but its only a tool. It does not appear in the story anywhere.

I am not sure what you intend for it, but if this was part of the narrative i would want it improved a lot.