DreamerI´m planning, God willing, insha'Allah, to write a fantasy series, but my major concern is my prose style; my first language isn't English. It's Arabic, but, I'd say, I'm quite competent, but my style doesn't conform to English's usual preferences. Still, I'm writing fiction, so there should be some wiggle room.
While I haven't written anything outside of a short story, which was, in a way, a "formalization" of a local folktale, I came up with some prose that doesn't take place in anywhere to test my style. Because I naturally write, well, like an Arab would, I leaned more into it, so it would not come out as an English-Arabic blob with misaligned features.
I'd appreciate your feedback very much. Is it too weird? Repetitive? Hard to follow? Does it have "redundancy"?
The man’s almost-corpse dropped with the heaviness of a boulder onto the torrid, scarlet, desert sand, back laced with arrows; from afar, his visage seemed of a giant urchin. Enemies, five hundred strong surrounding him, like a necklace on a girls neck. Still, they did not dare approach a hand span closer; his presence required trepidation and demanded reverence.
“Saddlebags swollen with silver and gold,” a man clamored, breaking the noiselessness, “for whoever sunders his head.”
He was motionless as a mountain, as if the world around him had turned black, a canvas inked to absolute pitchiness, punctuated with blobs of white malign. Eyes shooting him stares of daggers, parched—lusting to spurt from his flesh springs of delicious red.
“Pride, that’s what you lack,” Qais said, walking backwards as he faced Baqir with swagger in his gait, throwing his weight left and right in strut and making wide swings with his fists and drumming them on his chest.
While I haven't written anything outside of a short story, which was, in a way, a "formalization" of a local folktale, I came up with some prose that doesn't take place in anywhere to test my style. Because I naturally write, well, like an Arab would, I leaned more into it, so it would not come out as an English-Arabic blob with misaligned features.
I'd appreciate your feedback very much. Is it too weird? Repetitive? Hard to follow? Does it have "redundancy"?
The man’s almost-corpse dropped with the heaviness of a boulder onto the torrid, scarlet, desert sand, back laced with arrows; from afar, his visage seemed of a giant urchin. Enemies, five hundred strong surrounding him, like a necklace on a girls neck. Still, they did not dare approach a hand span closer; his presence required trepidation and demanded reverence.
“Saddlebags swollen with silver and gold,” a man clamored, breaking the noiselessness, “for whoever sunders his head.”
He was motionless as a mountain, as if the world around him had turned black, a canvas inked to absolute pitchiness, punctuated with blobs of white malign. Eyes shooting him stares of daggers, parched—lusting to spurt from his flesh springs of delicious red.
“Pride, that’s what you lack,” Qais said, walking backwards as he faced Baqir with swagger in his gait, throwing his weight left and right in strut and making wide swings with his fists and drumming them on his chest.
Vala
Sage
