Matthew Bishop
Scribe
THANKS FOR THE HELP EVERYONE! I have standardized the synopsis and query letters and have another 50 versions of them besides
Hey everyone!
So I've got two "final" queries and one "final" two-page synopsis, and I was hoping to get some feedback on them. I have heard that queries are best as 200-300 word bits, so whatever is the weakest I should cut.
AND in return for your excellent, gracious, and most-needed help, I would be glad to edit letters/chapters!
SYNOPSIS:
Synopsis: To Be Free
ADDRESS LINES ONE AND TWO
Gendorn, Bendoraun and Meiln were born as prisoners in the penal colony of Gaoln. They are born 40 years after the partitioning of Gaoln, and are raised as part of a generation born inside of a prison. When Governor Centreal proclaims himself King of Gaoln and secures passage to invade the nation to the north, the Skaelin Lands, which are guilty of utilizing the prison colony, Gendorn and Bendoraun find the opportunity to seize their freedom from their captors—but they must leave Meiln behind.
When Gendorn and Bendoraun arrive in Skaen, they find a land more beautiful than they could have imagined, and they believe themselves to be only a step away from their freedom. Their reverie is broken by their short-tempered captain, Luncas, who forces the naïve young boys to remain at his side so he can watch over them. This is the start of Gendorn and Bendoraun’s entrance into the world of captains, commanders, and kings—but for now, they are only two boys.
Gendorn and Bendoraun are knocked unconscious in the first battle after watching their friend die. They wake up inside Port Tekal, the city they captured, to find the army has moved on and left only a small force behind. Gendorn discovers that Port Tekal was inhabited by ex-soldiers whose families were killed while they were fighting in the Civil War of Skaen, and feels remorse over the two men he has killed. Soon after regaining consciousness he sets out with Bendoraun and some other soldiers to rendezvous with the army—but already Gendorn is a changed man, and more the man than the boy.
The army, meanwhile, has changed its route, leaving Gendorn, Bendoraun, and the others lost in the cold wilderness of Skaen. The group splits up when they find themselves pursued by enemy scouts, and Gendorn and Bendoraun stumble upon a village recently burned by their own Gaolnian Army. In an ironic twist of fate, the villagers here save their lives by taking them in, thinking them to be refugees themselves. Gendorn spends some soul-searching time rebuilding a village burned to the ground by his own army, until after one week he is on the road with Bendoraun to Fort Gatsesilli.
At Fort Gatsesilli Gendorn and Bendoraun find Nolor, one of their companions who was separated from them in the wilderness. The three of them live and work in the fort for one hundred days before King Sendroun of the Skaelin Lands arrives and tells the garrison at Gatsesilli that the Gaolnian Army is fast approaching. Gendorn, Bendoraun, and Nolor devise a plan to alert their army before the Skaelin can ambush them, knowing that should they do nothing, Gaoln—and Meiln—could never be free.
In the middle of the night the three friends sneak out of the castle and begin their trek through the woodlands. They soon find that they are being pursued by the same scouts who split them up in the wilderness, and Nolor daringly takes off to distract them while Gendorn and Bendoraun run to alert the army. In a page-turning scene, both armies end up knowing of the scouts and the spies and must react in a single instant. The Gaolnians win in the end, but their camp—and all their supplies—are burned by the retreating Skaelin, leaving their entire army stranded in the snow without even enough blankets for the night.
Relief comes from the other Gaolnian divisions while they besiege Gatsesilli. During this time the army reviews information of a planned final stand by the Skaelin Main Army. On their way to the final battle, the army is ambushed and split into chaotic groups. Gendorn, travelling with fifteen survivors, loses his eye on the road to the rendezvous point, which puts him in bed for weeks. Now friends with King Centreal, Gendorn and Bendoraun receive permission to sail back to Gaoln and spend Gendorn’s last moments with Meiln.
Three days after Gendorn and Bendoraun depart a messenger arrives from the enemy nation of Laen, also the chief state sponsor of the prison colony. The message is frank: Unless the Gaolnians surrender all the land they have won and renounce their freedom, agreeing to return as prisoners to Gaoln, then all of the Gaolnians who could not go to war will be systematically executed. In the time that the Gaolnian Army was gone, the Army of Laen invaded the prison colony and abducted every woman and young or elderly man and brought them back to Laeoiln, the capital of Laen. It is now up to the Army of Gaoln to decide whether or not they will be killed—and whether or not the soldiers themselves can ever be free.
The vote comes in favor of war. King Centreal leaves a threat for the messenger and his king, but vows to continue the struggle for freedom. Meanwhile, Gendorn and Bendoraun have arrived in the old penal colony to find it completely deserted. After searching for days and finding not a single person, the two ex-soldiers turn to the neighboring nation of Gonaka for their answers, sending them off on a new adventure. At the end of the first book Gendorn and Bendoraun remain ignorant of why the colony is deserted, and they can only suppose that the worst has befallen the struggle for their freedom.
The final battle at Seun Bastion ends in a victory for Gaoln, and King Sendroun of the Skaelin Lands is killed. King Centreal establishes the Kingdom of the Free. While their loved ones are held hostage in Laeoiln and our two main characters are lost and confused in the emptiness of the old prison colony, the army, famously, “dances until the dawn”, and believes that their freedom has come at last, and that Laen will have no choice but to return the hostages—to acknowledge their sovereignty and their freedom.
QUERY FINAL VERSION ONE:
Gendorn has never known what it is like to be free. He was raised in a penal colony as part of a generation of people who were born as prisoners but absent of any crime. When he is presented with the chance to join the rebellion for freedom and sail away to invade the nation to the north, guilty of using the colony, he sees a way to seize what was denied to him by his birth. TO BE FREE is a 90,000 word no-magic fantasy which thrusts Gendorn and his fellow co-prisoners into a world of gripping adventures. By the end of TO BE FREE, Gendorn has stared death in the face, gotten lost in the wilderness, hidden his identity while living in a hostile village, spied behind enemy lines, and saved the army of the rebellion—he has been transformed from a young and unpromising boy into a leader among men.
TO BE FREE is the first in a five-book epic, but this script is the only one ready for immediate publication, with its sequel scheduled to be finished in one month.
I have been writing fantasy since the day I was bored in math class and took out a pen and notebook and just started writing down dialogue as it came to me. I have not stopped writing since. Over the past eight years these manuscripts have evolved from a form of self-entertainment to something profound and meaningful—a wider story which is able to pull readers into a complex and fast-paced adventure that spans five books and two generations.
What inspires much of my writing is the human struggle—that is, how men and women must strive toward whatever ends they seek against sometimes impossible odds. The characters I develop are shaped by hard-learned life lessons—the “good guys” take these lessons to heart, but keep in mind what they struggle for, while the “bad guys” forget what they set out for in the wake of what they have lost. The result is a host of characters who are both good and bad, or who appear to be one but are really the other—it creates a world that allows for shifting alliances amidst certain loyalties, and surprising friendships that defy firmly drawn battle lines.
If you would like to see pages or know more about myself or my manuscripts, please just let me know. I hope to hear back from you soon, and I thank you very much for your time.
Best Regards,
Matthew Bishop
Hey everyone!
So I've got two "final" queries and one "final" two-page synopsis, and I was hoping to get some feedback on them. I have heard that queries are best as 200-300 word bits, so whatever is the weakest I should cut.
AND in return for your excellent, gracious, and most-needed help, I would be glad to edit letters/chapters!
SYNOPSIS:
Synopsis: To Be Free
ADDRESS LINES ONE AND TWO
Gendorn, Bendoraun and Meiln were born as prisoners in the penal colony of Gaoln. They are born 40 years after the partitioning of Gaoln, and are raised as part of a generation born inside of a prison. When Governor Centreal proclaims himself King of Gaoln and secures passage to invade the nation to the north, the Skaelin Lands, which are guilty of utilizing the prison colony, Gendorn and Bendoraun find the opportunity to seize their freedom from their captors—but they must leave Meiln behind.
When Gendorn and Bendoraun arrive in Skaen, they find a land more beautiful than they could have imagined, and they believe themselves to be only a step away from their freedom. Their reverie is broken by their short-tempered captain, Luncas, who forces the naïve young boys to remain at his side so he can watch over them. This is the start of Gendorn and Bendoraun’s entrance into the world of captains, commanders, and kings—but for now, they are only two boys.
Gendorn and Bendoraun are knocked unconscious in the first battle after watching their friend die. They wake up inside Port Tekal, the city they captured, to find the army has moved on and left only a small force behind. Gendorn discovers that Port Tekal was inhabited by ex-soldiers whose families were killed while they were fighting in the Civil War of Skaen, and feels remorse over the two men he has killed. Soon after regaining consciousness he sets out with Bendoraun and some other soldiers to rendezvous with the army—but already Gendorn is a changed man, and more the man than the boy.
The army, meanwhile, has changed its route, leaving Gendorn, Bendoraun, and the others lost in the cold wilderness of Skaen. The group splits up when they find themselves pursued by enemy scouts, and Gendorn and Bendoraun stumble upon a village recently burned by their own Gaolnian Army. In an ironic twist of fate, the villagers here save their lives by taking them in, thinking them to be refugees themselves. Gendorn spends some soul-searching time rebuilding a village burned to the ground by his own army, until after one week he is on the road with Bendoraun to Fort Gatsesilli.
At Fort Gatsesilli Gendorn and Bendoraun find Nolor, one of their companions who was separated from them in the wilderness. The three of them live and work in the fort for one hundred days before King Sendroun of the Skaelin Lands arrives and tells the garrison at Gatsesilli that the Gaolnian Army is fast approaching. Gendorn, Bendoraun, and Nolor devise a plan to alert their army before the Skaelin can ambush them, knowing that should they do nothing, Gaoln—and Meiln—could never be free.
In the middle of the night the three friends sneak out of the castle and begin their trek through the woodlands. They soon find that they are being pursued by the same scouts who split them up in the wilderness, and Nolor daringly takes off to distract them while Gendorn and Bendoraun run to alert the army. In a page-turning scene, both armies end up knowing of the scouts and the spies and must react in a single instant. The Gaolnians win in the end, but their camp—and all their supplies—are burned by the retreating Skaelin, leaving their entire army stranded in the snow without even enough blankets for the night.
Relief comes from the other Gaolnian divisions while they besiege Gatsesilli. During this time the army reviews information of a planned final stand by the Skaelin Main Army. On their way to the final battle, the army is ambushed and split into chaotic groups. Gendorn, travelling with fifteen survivors, loses his eye on the road to the rendezvous point, which puts him in bed for weeks. Now friends with King Centreal, Gendorn and Bendoraun receive permission to sail back to Gaoln and spend Gendorn’s last moments with Meiln.
Three days after Gendorn and Bendoraun depart a messenger arrives from the enemy nation of Laen, also the chief state sponsor of the prison colony. The message is frank: Unless the Gaolnians surrender all the land they have won and renounce their freedom, agreeing to return as prisoners to Gaoln, then all of the Gaolnians who could not go to war will be systematically executed. In the time that the Gaolnian Army was gone, the Army of Laen invaded the prison colony and abducted every woman and young or elderly man and brought them back to Laeoiln, the capital of Laen. It is now up to the Army of Gaoln to decide whether or not they will be killed—and whether or not the soldiers themselves can ever be free.
The vote comes in favor of war. King Centreal leaves a threat for the messenger and his king, but vows to continue the struggle for freedom. Meanwhile, Gendorn and Bendoraun have arrived in the old penal colony to find it completely deserted. After searching for days and finding not a single person, the two ex-soldiers turn to the neighboring nation of Gonaka for their answers, sending them off on a new adventure. At the end of the first book Gendorn and Bendoraun remain ignorant of why the colony is deserted, and they can only suppose that the worst has befallen the struggle for their freedom.
The final battle at Seun Bastion ends in a victory for Gaoln, and King Sendroun of the Skaelin Lands is killed. King Centreal establishes the Kingdom of the Free. While their loved ones are held hostage in Laeoiln and our two main characters are lost and confused in the emptiness of the old prison colony, the army, famously, “dances until the dawn”, and believes that their freedom has come at last, and that Laen will have no choice but to return the hostages—to acknowledge their sovereignty and their freedom.
QUERY FINAL VERSION ONE:
Gendorn has never known what it is like to be free. He was raised in a penal colony as part of a generation of people who were born as prisoners but absent of any crime. When he is presented with the chance to join the rebellion for freedom and sail away to invade the nation to the north, guilty of using the colony, he sees a way to seize what was denied to him by his birth. TO BE FREE is a 90,000 word no-magic fantasy which thrusts Gendorn and his fellow co-prisoners into a world of gripping adventures. By the end of TO BE FREE, Gendorn has stared death in the face, gotten lost in the wilderness, hidden his identity while living in a hostile village, spied behind enemy lines, and saved the army of the rebellion—he has been transformed from a young and unpromising boy into a leader among men.
TO BE FREE is the first in a five-book epic, but this script is the only one ready for immediate publication, with its sequel scheduled to be finished in one month.
I have been writing fantasy since the day I was bored in math class and took out a pen and notebook and just started writing down dialogue as it came to me. I have not stopped writing since. Over the past eight years these manuscripts have evolved from a form of self-entertainment to something profound and meaningful—a wider story which is able to pull readers into a complex and fast-paced adventure that spans five books and two generations.
What inspires much of my writing is the human struggle—that is, how men and women must strive toward whatever ends they seek against sometimes impossible odds. The characters I develop are shaped by hard-learned life lessons—the “good guys” take these lessons to heart, but keep in mind what they struggle for, while the “bad guys” forget what they set out for in the wake of what they have lost. The result is a host of characters who are both good and bad, or who appear to be one but are really the other—it creates a world that allows for shifting alliances amidst certain loyalties, and surprising friendships that defy firmly drawn battle lines.
If you would like to see pages or know more about myself or my manuscripts, please just let me know. I hope to hear back from you soon, and I thank you very much for your time.
Best Regards,
Matthew Bishop
Last edited:
Maester
) that I have read,yours reads a lot more flowery, beats around the bush, and leaves out details that later chapters relied on. I found myself confused as to who was where and who was doing what to who. The short synopsis in the query letter seems to be not the same story as in the longer synopsis, leaving out some of the major plot events that differentiate your novel from every other Find The MacGuffin in the slush pile.
Troubadour
Auror
